And this is why we can’t have nice things….

27 Apr

We recently put a short and sweet Facebook Status up about dogs preventing us from having nice things, and based on the amazing response we got, we felt this topic was deserving of its very own blog entry.



Nice Thing # 1:  A Fur-Free Existence


I’ve finally accepted that there will always be dog fur on my carpet, on my furniture, on my clothes, on my bathroom floor, my kitchen floor (rolling like tumbleweeds), in the lint trap in the clothes dryer, on the back of the toilet where it apparently falls off my clothes, in my car, and  in my mouth (bleccchh, pffffft, ptooie).  I’m also pretty sure Mr. T’s fur has also made several international trips (Somewhere in Tokyo, someone is eating sushi with a side of Mr. T fur).   It’s not that I don’t try to keep up with it, I do.  I even invested in a ridiculously expensive pet hair vacuum and other hair-catching tools, but nothing does the trick.  Porcupine quills have less staying power. Mr. T has the perfect length and texture fur to weave it’s way into everything and hold on for dear life.  His fur is like an unwanted houseguest..who messes up shit, stays longer than they should,  and doesn’t pay rent.


I’m going to be another week or two, or at least until I get my shit together. Also, I used your toothbrush.

Nice Thing # 2:  A Boyfriend


I call Mr. T the love of my life.  That’s probably not helping in the dating department.   Neither is sharing a bed with him.  And certainly talking (fine, singing) to him on a regular basis isn’t helping my case either.  And finally, like many dog owners, I have a “dog walking wardrobe” that I put on when I am heading out with Mr. T.  These are clothes that are practical and that I don’t mind getting wet, muddy, or hairy (see Nice Thing #1).  I was feeling quite ok about my dog clothes until my mom came to visit and told me I looked like a homeless person.  When I told her that I really didn’t care how I looked when I was taking Mr. T on two hour walks, she looked at me with all seriousness and said, “Maybe you should.”  I thought it was just my mom being, well, a mom, so I blew it off.  Not long after,l a male neighbor saw me heading to work and literally said “Wow, you are wearing real clothes!”  Um yeah…maybe it’s time I realize that what makes for practical dog-walking clothes may not be the most attractive or alluring to men.  And if you think this act of public shaming has changed the way I head outside with my dog…you’d be wrong. I keep holding out hope that there must be reasonably attractive single men in their 30s who are attracted to dog-obsessed, song-singing, dog-fur covered, yoga pant wearing women, right?  RIGHT?! Sigh.


Soooo not what I meant.

Nice Thing # 3:  Sleep


When I first got Mr. T, I had this (naive) idea that we would be snuggle buddies and sleep peacefully side-by-side and wake up refreshed and happy in the morning.  Sadly, I was mistaken, as I have been cursed with a “morning dog”.  Seriously, this dog does not understand the concept of sleeping past 6 am.   As much as I love him, every time I see his smiling face before 7 am (especially on a weekend), I resort to calling him names and grumbling expletives.  I swear sometimes he wakes me up and doesn’t even want anything other than to tell me how much he’s missed me, despite having spent all night literally suffocating me (Note to Mr. T:  While I am glad you are comfortable, having 75 pounds of dog sleeping on my head doesn’t exactly work for me.)  If my calculations are correct, he owes me roughly 8,942 hours of sleep.


Replace that leg with his head and that sleeping person with a squinty-eyed rage beast and it’s accurate. 



Nice Thing #1: A Not-Embarrassing Wardrobe.


I am not exactly a fashionista, but pre-dogs I wasn’t exactly a slob either. While I own a fair selection of hoodies and jeans, they were interspersed with skirts, nice shirts, and occasionally a dress. My dogs, however, have no such appreciation. In the past year alone I’ve lost 5 pockets, one knee, and several hems to dog antics/poaching and my budget can’t take much more.


That Bastard shrunk it in the dryer. I knew I shouldn’t have let him browse at Saks.

Nice Thing #2: A Clean Car


I admit it. My car is a mess. What was once a beautiful Subaru is now a hovel of dog training detritus and the wrappers from treats, both human and canine. I spend a lot of time in the car with the dogs, and I mean a lot. Between work, training, classes, and just plain old errand running, it’s always full of something and rarely is that something you want. I am actually embarrassed to take it to the dealer. I can feel the judgment and I don’t have the big-ass Malinois in the back to frighten off commentary.


“Yes it is a Panda Express Wrapper, racist! I was hungry! It was late! I was busy! Fuck off!”

Nice Thing #3: The Ability to Talk to People


Really it’s more the ability to not talk to people like they’re one of my dogs, and talk may be generous. A typical meeting with me since dog ownership has turned from a somewhat stilted but at least normal conversational to what I could only describe as demented charades with some imperatives thrown in for good measure. It’s never more obvious than interacting with my friend’s little boy. He’s three, adorable, and smart yet somehow I acquire the same tone as I do with Z. It’s identical to the point of being commented on… frequently. Whoops. I suppose I could defend it in saying that good dog training has a lot in common with kid training (I’m sure you call it training.) but… eh. At least I’m consistent?


Braylee! I said Heel!


Nice Thing #1: A Social Life

BusyBee’s boyfriend conundrum aside, I’d settle for just a decent social life. I’m a soon-to-be college senior and the amount of time I spend partying is… nothing. I don’t go out to bars with friends very often because I’m at home, tending my dogs. When not at home with them, I’m at work (tending dogs that are not mine) so that I can pay to support their expensive hobbies. Weekends at trials, afternoons training… I have no time to hang out with peers. The time I do have is spent talking to other dog people, mostly online.

Woo hoo! Crazy Weekend!

Nice Thing #2: Money

From the freezer I bought just for my dogs to the thirty plus collars to trial weekends… I invest a lot of cash in to my dogs. Add vet bills to all that and it gets ridiculous. And to think, I groom my own dogs so at least I don’t have to pay for two standard poodle grooms at least once every six weeks. Of course, I could be cheaper. They probably don’t NEED quite so many collars and there are cheap kibbles out there but what can I say, I have to keep them in the lifestyle they’ve become accustomed to.

Send that back. I wanted my liver RARE! Not medium rare!


Nice Thing #3: Privacy

Pet owners joke about it all the time. Get a dog, never pee alone. Thing is, I LIKE to pee alone. Also shower (I’m looking at you, I. Stop moving the shower curtain while I’m showering.) I’d even be happy taking a nap without a clingy white poodle attached to me. I live in the south, I do not need a living fur blanket. My female poodle is a good girl. She’s happy outside the bathroom, and will leave the door alone. Not so much with my boy. He whines and cries. Eventually he will give up and lay down but then I trip over him when I walk out of the room. I love him, but we’ve reached critical levels of cling.

The varying levels of cling.

Dog ruining your life? We want to know about it!

9 Responses to “And this is why we can’t have nice things….”

  1. Anna Lea West April 28, 2013 at 1:56 pm #

    Hmm, well I don’t have or want a dog … but I get it. Everyone around me has them and would put a stamp of approval on this blog post! Nice one 🙂

  2. Christy A April 28, 2013 at 6:54 pm #

    Lol. Love the expectations/reality photos. I get a full nights sleep but I have to be really on-the-ball about getting in to bed first. If we don’t remember to close the bedroom door, our dog gets in bed when we’re brushing our teeth, and he manages to lay down in the position that takes up both of our sides of the bed. If you try to move him he plays dead-he must have trained with the anti-war movement. So I have to go back and forth betwen his front and back and move each end a little at a time (since I can’t just pick up an 88 lb dog). It’s like moving a bag of sand. He keeps his eyes open and watches me, saying, Good luck, lady. One of the big reasons I want to move from our little cottage is that we can’t fit a king bed in our bedroom, and I am done sharing a queen bed with both a large dog and a man. A lot of old houses don’t have bedrooms that fit a king bed, so our hoggy dog is making our house hunt difficult. I could also post about how my formerly nice perrenial garden and veggie beds are now barricaded with chicken wire and tomato cages to try to keep said dog from plopping his big butt whereever he likes. crushing the plants below, but that’s another story.

  3. Kate April 29, 2013 at 9:55 am #

    I really wouldn’t know where to begin … plus it’d be soooo humiliating!!
    Great post.

  4. Red Dog Mom May 5, 2013 at 3:54 pm #

    I have literally caught myself telling a young child to “leave it!”

    • KellyK August 29, 2013 at 7:14 pm #

      Yeah, I almost did the same thing with my nephew (this was before he turned two). Fortunately, his mom (my sister-in-law) is another dog person, so she thought it was hilarious.

  5. humanrescuesdog May 11, 2013 at 12:39 pm #

    Great post – I sympathise! Especially with the ‘no-privacy’. Very funny blog, looking forward to reading more 🙂

  6. copper's people August 8, 2013 at 11:31 pm #

    Where do I begin, dog has gotten his head stuck in the coach…final score, dog 1, couch 0

  7. Robin October 9, 2013 at 3:57 am #

    #1 – The ability to go home. We are military and we are stationed 1100 miles away from home. If we want to go home for a short trip, we fly. Boarding 3 dogs (or even hiring a professional dog sitter) is no cheap thing (dog care is usually equivalent to the cost of a plane ticket – $350-$500). If we want to go home for a long trip, we drive. However, then we have to figure out which family member will host each dog, considering no one in our family will let us bring all three dogs into their house.
    #2 – Linens. You’d think we have a 100lb moth who lives in our house. There are holes in every sheet and blanket we own, varying from the size of a half dollar to the size of a dinner plate. In the winter, when trying to get cozy under the sheets, suddenly your toe (or entire foot) will get stuck in an awkward hole. Better yet, touching a blanket after someone was just chewing on it, and it’s still wet. It’s an extra special kind of disgusting.
    #3 – Furniture. Our dogs have eaten two couches, so we are clinging to the two remaining love seats for dear life. Bonus, our boy dog likes to mark one of them because the couch came pre-loved by another family who had a dog. I guess after a year, our dog still feels insecure about whose couch it really is. Though I suppose it’s a step up from destroying it…

  8. doughts October 1, 2014 at 8:12 am #

    I saw a bumpersticker once that said dog hair is a condiment.

    It’s accurate, and frightens people who don’t have a dog or people who have a small dog. A 100 pound dog will shed an absolutely STUNNING amount. I find dog hair on EVERYTHING I own, even occasionally my toothbrush.

    There are muddy paw prints all over the back seat of my car, and so much dog hair from so many dogs that the seats are a different color.

    Thankfully, I am such a tosser and turner that whenever I try to sleep with my dog on the bed, she gives up and sleeps on one of her two couches.

    And she will lay down outside the bathroom, so that she can whine piteously when I don’t pet her.

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