You Call Those Pit Bulls?! BusyBee Takes Her Turn at Ranting

30 Apr
Let’s play a game, kids.

Which one of these things is not like the others?

Horizontal Blue

If you guessed the Hippo* because it’s not blue, you’d be right, but you clearly haven’t read this blog so go back to the beginning and read again. It’s okay. We’ll wait.

The correct answer, now that you’ve caught up is… That thing on the far left.  Is it a dog? Is it a new breed of domesticated toad? Was it crushed by an enormous weight on it’s back so now, like a cartoon coyote, it’s turned into a parody of itself? Nope. People breed that. On purpose.

At least any dog under there would be an accident.

Just do a quick google search and you will see that there all sorts of “breeders” hawking these poor, deformed, unhealthy dogs. As a pittie owner, I am literally offended by the existence of such creatures.  Just…no.  I suppose the idea behind these toadstools is to look “tough”, but I am pretty sure that dogs that are built like this can’t do anything remotely badass.  Good luck even getting one across the street.

Donkey Kong meets Kate Gosselin. Discuss.

I don’t even understand the purpose of these dogs.  Apparently the people who breed these dogs don’t care about function, and apparently their idea of “form” is to make these dogs as exaggerated as possible.   I literally had to stop searching the internet for pictures of these dogs because it just made me sad.  And angry.   Most of the pictures I found were reminiscent of an ugly hippo, a  toad, or  Jabba the Hut.    Dogs who look like this are almost always given names like “Felony”, “Kilo”, “Killer”, or “Demon” and tend to belong to people dumb enough to shell out thousands of dollars for these genetic monstrosities.

Let’s make plants the go-to manly thug pet. Killer McManlypants the ficus, comes with large testicles and doesn’t shit on your lawn. It’s a win-win… Except for the ficus. I give the ficus a week.

Depending on what “line” these dogs come from, these monstrosities can cost upwards of $3,000.  Sorry to break it you, but I am pretty sure that I can find a sweet-as-pie, poorly bred pittie riddled with health issues at any shelter on any given day for less than $100.   Ok, I take that back.  In the five years I’ve been involved with rescues and pitbulls, I’ve never seen a dog come through nearly as malformed as the ones sold for big bucks by these “breeders”.  Seriously though,  can you imagine the health issues on these guys?  Joint issues, breathing issues, epic amounts of gas (come on, take a look at these dogs and tell me they can’t clear a room in 4 seconds or less), and countless other issues surely haunt these poor dogs.

Damn it! I told you not to light a match after Convicted Felon had his Beneful!

Personally, I prefer a dog that can, you know, be a dog.  Part of the joy of owning a pitbull is that they tend to be athletic, robust dogs with a zest for life.  I don’t see the allure of bringing home a dog that probably won’t ever get beyond your front yard.  I call Mr. T my “adventure dog” because he is up for anything, but I’m pretty sure the most adventure these dogs will get is attempting to lick their own ass.

It’s always an adventure if you can’t find it.

*I love hippos.  Like, I’m obsessed. I have a problem.  But apparently my hippo obsession only goes so far.   In fact, referring to these dogs as hippos is offensive is to actual hippos.

I need this.  For reasons.

10 Responses to “You Call Those Pit Bulls?! BusyBee Takes Her Turn at Ranting”

  1. inaradog April 30, 2013 at 12:43 am #

    Thank you. THANK YOU. I find very few things as offensive as those behemoths being referred to as pit bulls.

    • Tina Martin April 30, 2013 at 1:25 am #

      Exactly Liz! They make me cry and gag at the same time.

  2. TheRedQueen April 30, 2013 at 12:57 am #

    Absolutely spot on…

  3. RebeccaW April 30, 2013 at 1:18 am #

    ….. omg. really? Really??? not only what is wrong with these “breeders” what is wrong with the people buying them?!?!!!

  4. Tiffany Marshall April 30, 2013 at 2:02 am #

    I myself like the standard or classic American Bullies since they basically look like a stockier American Pit. Now as far as these “pocket bullies” & such that have horrible sway backs & wide chests, what not, they look downright horrible & they have health issues written all over them. I have asked a few of these bully people how long bullies live for, and I’ve received not even ONE response from any of them. It is sad if you do a search on the internet it is VERY rare to find a breeder that actually health tests, & looking up their lifespan, I’ve read they don’t live very long, gee I wonder why. There are a few rescues that have some nice bullies for adoption & that’s the route I’d love to go & not support these monsters charging outrageous prices for sickly dogs. Sadly most of the nice looking dogs for adoption I’ve seen are out in Cali, which leaves me empty handed being out in the midwest. I love a lot of the dogs for adoption at the Fresno Bully Rescue.

  5. Lolly April 30, 2013 at 3:00 am #

    I don’t understand. What are they called? I read three times, am I missing it?

    • TheDogSnobs April 30, 2013 at 3:05 am #

      Those short stumpy hippo-beasts are called pitbulls by some people and “American Bullies” by others. Both groups tend to refer them as purebred, when it’s clear that something else has been mixed in there, since they do not resemble APBTs or AmStaffs.

  6. Denise April 30, 2013 at 11:56 am #

    I’ve met a few of these dogs at the repro vet. None were as odd looking as the pregnant bitch. I thought they were cute in an odd way, and the ones I met were very sweet.

  7. Corgeek May 13, 2013 at 7:22 pm #

    Most of the breeders brag that these dogs “live to the ripe old age of 6”. Yup. Very Sad.

    • Tiffany Marshall July 16, 2013 at 8:43 pm #

      Sadly you don’t hear of many people talking about how long they live for, most say not very long, others when you ask, don’t respond to the question. I would never drop $3,000 + on an animal purchase that is going to die young and be in the vet’s so often for some sort of genetic issue/health problem.

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