Archive | April, 2013

Shitty Breeder Websites: A What Not To Do Guide

13 Apr

Here at ‘The Dog Snobs’, we spend a fair amount of time perusing breeder sites, and as such, we’ve seen the good, the bad, and the so so so so ugly.   Based on what we’ve seen, we’d like to make a few general suggestions and as always some critiques to improve your shitty websites.

 

Buy an Actual Domain

Geocities is dead, people. And Angelfire and the like have been desperately clinging to their rafts for the last decade. I know, the whimsical additions of MIDI music and the cursor that looks like a butterfly flapping its wings followed by fairy dust is just too “kewt” for words but let’s get real here. Not everyone is going to be a website guru, and if you know that about yourself, it’s time to call in an expert. Preferably one who dresses like someone you wouldn’t run away from in an alley, but we won’t be picky. Anyone clothed with a clue will work. A fully functioning detailed website with your own domain designed and maintained by professionals can run you as little as $200 a year. That’s like a single shitty BYB puppy. Make the investment, people.

 

He’s probably your best choice for a website about rabbits.

Speaking of MIDI….

 

Absolutely No Autoplay Music

As much as we love terrible music (Okay, maybe only Fang and really it’s only to be annoying) autoplayed music on a website should be classified as a hate crime. You’re going along, minding your own business when your ears are assaulted by some truly craptacular midi piece of garbage masquerading as something necessary on a website.

You should click on this if you have a strange craving for shitty music. 

 

Just Say “No” to Bad Animation

While researching for this article, we noticed a phenomenon among pit breeders. They all seem to have a burning passion for photoshop. Photoshopped images of their dogs over lightning or flames or some other badass imagery. Do they do this themselves? Are they PAYING someone to do this? We don’t know… but this one is our favorite.

No Dogs on Chains

Or behind fences for that matter. Even if you do have your dogs tethered or kenneled… take them out to take photos. PLEASE. If you don’t have time to take a decent photo of your dog, you do not have time to breed.

 

Avoid Sparkly Graphics

 

Generally speaking, inducing seizures is not a good way to entice people to buy your dogs.  Sparkling graphics also don’t make you look classy.  Really.  They don’t.  Instead, it makes you look some 13 year old girl hopped up on Pixie-Stix and RedBull who couldn’t contain herself when designing a web-page.

You’re gonna have to click on this one too. We’re sorry. 

 

No PayPal Buttons or Shopping Carts

Sometimes, when we’re surfing the internet at three o’clock in the morning, we feel the sudden need to buy a puppy RIGHT THEN. Luckily, with these super handy paypal buttons, we can. Much like buying aquarium parts or a Domino’s pizza… we never have to interact with an actual person. Bad news is, the dog probably hasn’t either. Please leave PayPal and shopping carts on Amazon or eBay where they belong.

 

 

No Jesus References

We really aren’t quite sure what being a good Christian has to do with dog-breeding, since most of the websites we found that openly preach about their faith also appear to be quite unscrupulous BYBs or puppy mills.  It makes us wonder if these are actually people of faith, or just individuals who think that by aligning themselves with God, people will trust them more.  While we respect peoples’ rights to believe what they want, using it to sell your micro teacup peke-a-pom-a-poos will definitely earn our judgement.

 

 

Adoption vs. Purchasing

Can we just call a spade a spade, please? You are not adopting this puppy. It is not a rescue. You are not saving it from anything except perhaps the horrible life the parents are subjected too… and perhaps being eaten by the breeder (Java black and french vanilla? Caramel Delight? What would you do-oo-oo for a maltipoo? We’re craving frozen delights now. Thanks.)

We can't decide rather to ear them or cry. Or both, both is good.

We can’t decide rather to ear them or cry. Or both, both is good.

 

Size Comparisons with a Soda Can

 

While we enjoy Cherry Coke Zero as much as the next dog snob, using your favorite beverage to illustrate the size of your puppies is probably  definitely a bad idea. Puppies are tiny.That’s normal. That’s how they get to live when they’re destroying shit and screaming through the night. We do not need you to pose your super rare blue phantom morkiepomabastard with a can of soda. You’re putting us off our sugary drinks. Stop.

We like how pissed off they look.

We like how pissed off they look.

puppieswithcrap2

“Bitch, I at least deserve an iPhone 5”

We know we missed a few, as we were actually beginning to feel physically ill. What do you hate to see on a breeder website. Minions?

WTF Wednesday: Lars and the RealDog edition.

11 Apr

… clearly Lars didn’t see the movie.

We spend a lot of time talking about sex toys as compared to dog toys, but there is nothing that can be said about the hotdoll other than… this is fucked up.

No More Wire Hangers: A brief guide to Obedience and the People that compete in it.

9 Apr

Here at ‘The Dog Snobs’, there is a fair amount of competitive spirit. It reasons then that dog sports would play an active role in our existence. Busybee and Mr. T, despite having the hearts of Champions (and probably better training than most dogs who actually compete), don’t have any plans to step into the show ring, but Fang, Potnoodle and their dogs are regular competitors at a variety of performance events.  Between the three of us, we know a lot about different performance events and feel it is our duty to share (with a touch of snark) the intricacies of each type of event.  For our first entry on this topic, we will tackle Obedience which is Fang’s favored venue.

Obedience

The Event:

 

The Obedience ring is where it all started. To the outsiders, most people with a pulse under the age of 45, and spectators, Obedience is rather boring. It’s quiet, subtle, and like fine wine; it’s all just Boone’s Farm if you don’t know what you’re talking about. There are a ton of subtleties and class variants and optional titling classes.  These vary by organization but the most basic version is pretty simple.

There are three levels; Novice (CD or Companion Dog), Open(CDX or Companion Dog Excellent) and Utility (UD or Utility Dog). You must qualify (Q) three times in the class to earn the title and the previous title is required to move to the next level. Each level has different exercises but the idea is that each level is built upon the successes of the previous. There is functionally an alphabet soup of possibilities in terms of Obedience class titling. As a tip though if you see OM (Obedience Master), UDX (Utility Dog Excellent) or most impressively OTCh (Obedience Trial Champion)  in a dog’s name; they put more hours into their dog’s training each week than you spent picking your last vehicle.

 

What Car I chose didn’t matter, I trained my OTCh dogs to drive a tow truck out to me.

The rules for Obedience are not by any means simple. While people always tell you to “RTFM!” (Read The Fucking Manual), this time they mean it, and we mean they really really mean it. Can you use both a hand signal and a verbal command? Well, we know the answer and we’re not telling you because 1) It would take too long and 2) RTFM!

Just read the manual.

The People:

 Obedience is one of those funny places where everyone is a Type A personality and anything other than that will earn you a funny look. Weirdly, this is also one of the places where breed sweaters with matching pants and pom poms are held up as a standard and even expected fashion choice.

l_0b07e2c0-b390-11e1-b0e3-234aed700002

While occasionally standoffish at trial, they’re also some of the people most willing to bolster up a new exhibitor and offer suggestions when frustration hits. However, it is a hard regular clique to break into. Like in a lot of dog events, there are clubs based around groups of people, many of whom have been around since the dawn of time and they’re not so inclined to invite you into their inner circle. If you want in your best bet will always be the old fashioned way. Train your ass off, and someone will notice… eventually.

I trained my dog to invent the wheel. He’s ready for his CDX.

The cliques in obedience are fairly broad and have a lot of ‘Shades of Snob’ in them. Oddly enough despite a fair amount of animosity between Conformation and Obedience competitors (You’d be pissy too if you were relegated to the back corner of a massive complex) they share the most similarity in groups. You have ‘The Old Timers’, ‘The Clicker-ites’, ‘The Balanced Trainers’, ‘The <Insert Breed here> people’. The groups then get smaller as personality conflict, training-style and who-knows-who gets sorted. The tribalization isn’t surprising really. We all like to be a part of a group but eventually someone’s got to get sacrificed upon the altar of competition. It’s like Hunger Games but with no risk of actual death, at least hopefully.

‘It’s better than ‘Shades of Gray’ but frankly it could use more heavy petting.”

So, you’ve made it to the club. You’re in! You’re training your dog and now comes the rough reality, there are over 200 ways to NQ (Not qualify) on your way to a CDX and in Utility that number goes up exponentially. And sometimes the longer you train the more it seems like your dog is inventing new ways to circumvent the exercise. Dreaming of an OTCh? How many times have you won in a class over over 6 dogs, heck in a class of just 3 dogs even when you’re competing against finished OTCh dogs? How many times can you spend $200 a weekend for trialling. Can you handle the inevitable failure that comes with the journey? It’s as much a mental commitment as a financial one really.

If it peed coins you’d be in business.

If you think you’re still game, it’s time to meet who you’ll be up against.

Nemeses:

Agility: Probably the number one rival for funding, space and attention, Agility is the whoreish younger sister of Obedience. It’s fast, it’s flashy and it has crowd appeal. A lot of the training is similar and both sides have noted the benefit to cross-training but be damned if anyone likes to lose space to the other.

She totally does agility.

Rally Obedience: Don’t let the name fool you. What was originally supposed to be a “pre-obedience’ styled competition has morphed into its own bloated image as the epitome of obedience. The love child of Obedience and Phonics, rally is a wonderful place to introduce your dog to a lot of stuff you can’t do in Obedience and a handful of stuff you can. Judging is pretty typically loose and easy and generally it’s a fun relaxed environment without a lot of the stresses Obedience brings.

first-day-of-obedience-school-pees-on-everything

All kidding aside, dog sports are awesome ones with ribbons, trophies and more big-ass ribbons even more so.

-2

.Compete in Obedience? Want to compete in Obedience? Horribly offended? 😛 Share a story with us!

First Dog Snob Photo Contest: Show Us Your Dog Snob

7 Apr

This was posted to Facebook last night, posting here for those of you that haven’t liked us on Facebook. You should really get on that…

Who’s the biggest snob? So our super-cool Viszla picture is not actually ours… Yeah yeah we know Copyright laws, lawsuits, angry fines etc. So we’ve come up with a solution that we think you’re going to like… *drumroll* A Contest! Specifically a photo contest of your snobbiest canine companion.
-The first winner, as selected by us (Who’s better to judge you than us, right?) gets the illustrious honor of being our profile picture and a blog feature including our ever so present opinions on whatever topic you’d like us to riff on with your feature photo included.
-The second winner is selected by you, our readers and the ever popular Facebook “Like”. Get your friends, dog compatriots and your mother (if she’s cool with talking about sex toys because if she’s not be prepared for a lecture) to like you picture and you could win a (new) questionable dog toy we’ve featured on the blog. It’s our choice so don’t get greedy.

-Now for the boring bits: The photo must be of your dog or a dog owned by your immediate family. You must have the rights to the photo (no watermarks please). Enter by emailing us your pictures at thedogsnobs@gmail.com. We’re also holding you hostage and making you like us to win. You can take it back, but we know who you are so Ha! Snobby is totally subjective but some snobby things that might get you some bonus points; Raised eyebrows, smirks, moustaches, monocles, Kafk, Tolstoy or any obscure literature that we would know but no one else would because we’re hipster like that.

The Deadline for Snobby Pics is April 31st.
Send entries to us as an attachment at thedogsnobs@gmail.com with your name, the dog’s name, and what makes them the snobbiest in the land.
Happy picture taking minions

Sex Toy Saturday Round 6

6 Apr

In celebration of our new, official, non-family friendly status  (check out our badge on the bottom of the page and for the full story, like us on facebook.) we bring you a brand new Sex Toy or Dog Toy conundrum!

Option A

Option B

Option A is “sure to be a ____’s delight” and it is also a “fun toy that your ___ will lick right up.” It also happens to be the dog toy in this weeks post. Yeah, we’re questioning it too. It’s a Tretkon Dog Treat Toy.

 

If we accomplish one thing with this blog, we’d like for it to be that dog toy manufacturers stop using the word “stimulating” to describe toys for dogs. After that, we can die happy.

 

Another note, the sex toy this week is “The Cone” and it scares us just a little. On the website for “The Cone” (cue dramatic music) it says that “contemporary style means it doesn’t need to be hidden away in the bedroom drawer.” If we walk into someone’s house and see this sitting on their kitchen table…. we are walking right back out.

 

Dog Owner Profile: The Undercompensator

5 Apr

We know you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover.  Psh….like that will ever stop us.  Next up in our dog owner profiling category is the large man with a small dog, or as we like to call them, The Undercompensator.

Description:

Lately, we have been noticing an interesting phenomenon— very masculine looking men driving in their monster trucks or strutting around the street with a dog the size of a Dorito on the end of the leash. They are usually seen with little teeny dogs (often wearing rhinestones collars) that are almost always on the end of a flexi-leash.  It is impossible to run across an Undercompensator without wondering what this is all about.  It is clear that small dogs are seen as being vulnerable, cute, and in need  of protection. Could it be a part of these men needs to feel held and protected — a vulnerable, powerless aspect that feels small and cannot be expressed to other people because of cultural conditioning? Men are not supposed to be vulnerable, especially these men who make their living in such physical and “manly” fields.  Or could it be that these men are just in fact extremely secure with themselves and throw cultural norms to the wind. Either way, as big as these men are, physical size cannot outweigh their teeny dogs’ massive attitude. Approach Princess Puddlekins with great caution. They may be tiny, but they’ve got backup.

Serves him right for calling me short, Fucker.

 

The Undercompensator tends to wear clothing that accentuates their physicality (think muscle tees, athletic pants, and tight crew neck t-shirts) and often have jobs that require raw physical strength, such as construction, personal trainers, or hitmen.

Close Enough. Hello Sir!

Common Locations: The Undercompensator knows no geographical  boundaries.  From big cities to small towns, The Undercompensator can be seen proudly walking his dog…or carrying it in his giant arms.

What you expected a Chihuahua? Racist!

 

Breeds Owned: Chihuahuas, Papillons, Miniature Pinschers, Boston Terriers… if it’s under 20lbs and can wear a sweater you’re pretty much set.

It’s like the beginning of a musical… *snap* step *snap* twirl *snap* double pirouette.

 

Skill Level: Low to medium. These dogs are often spoiled, overweight and untrained. While some men with small dogs will disprove this, overwhelmingly most dogs who belong to Undercompensators are spoiled rotten.

 

Catch Phrases: “It’s my girlfriend’s dog”, “Size Matters”

“Yup. So your girlfriend must fondle the dog when she Frenches him. Gotcha.”

 

Anecdotal evidence:

 

BusyBee: There is a particular Undercompensator in my apartment complex who owns the tiniest of chihuahuas–literally the size of a city rat.  I should note that his dog probably has a more expansive wardrobe than I do (and yes, I’m only mildly jealous) and is spoiled rotten.  The first time I heard him speaking baby talk while holding his dog tightly against his enormous pecs, I literally had to stifle laughter.  Mind you, this is the same man that I see constantly at our gym and whom I refer to as “the grunter” due to the excessive man noises he makes when weightlifting.  (For the record, I’m pretty sure he could bench-press me).  I guess I should be inspired by his ability to ignore gender stereotypes, but I swear every time we cross paths while letting our dogs out, I can’t help but see the irony in the fact that his little princess is being carried around as to not get her feet wet, and my own dog is purposely farting upwind.

 

Judging by the steroid induced muscles, the dog isn’t the only thing that is tiny…

Potnoodle: I’m a bit ashamed to say my own father is one of these men. When I was growing up, he always had Jack Russell Terriers in the house (As well as larger ‘outside’ dogs) and he now has a Chihuahua and a Westie/Maltese mix. He absolutely spoils both of them. They go everywhere with him, to the groomer once a month, and both look like little sausages on legs. They both have sweaters that he has no shame in putting on them when it’s nippy out. He has a water bottle contraption that he keeps hooked to his belt loop when they go out on hot days.  The chihuahua is down right nasty and only likes my father. The Westie mix is a much more pleasant dog, fortunately. My dad says he will never be without a small dog, god help us all.

 

“My dad can kick your dad’s ass.”

Fang: Late to the party but my stories can be summed up in a few words; Bikers, Yorkie, Boarding, and Inconsolable. Dropping off ‘Zachary’ the Yorkie was like a departure scene from some war movie. His owners, two very large men in biker-leather were sniffing back tears dropping off their sweet prince with what could only be described as a metric fuckton of gear. This dog’s bed cost more than mine let alone the toys, treats, food and outfits. They called every day to see to his well-being and when they picked him up there were tears of joy. Zachary was in the tolerable end of temperament and generally should turn out okay-ish but the dichotomy frequently surprises other clients who witness such exchanges.

pug-meme-puppy-squeaky-toy

What do you think when you see an Undercompensator and his pint-sized pooch?  Share below!

WTF Wednesday

3 Apr

We are once again here to disturb you.

That’s a woman. Breastfeeding her dog. Even worse, the dog is a pug. Take a moment to imagine the snorting. Done gagging? Good.   We truly are sorry to bring this to the forefront of your minds. Look on the brightside, it could have been worse… and it probably will be next week.