Archive | May, 2013

Monday Morons

14 May

It’s Monday.  We feel like raging.  We’re not entirely sure how this differs from any other day of the week.

 

 

BusyBee:

 

Last week I was on a lovely evening walk with Mr. T when a man came rushing out of his house screaming and flailing his arms in a most dramatic fashion.   By the time I realized I was the target of his hissy fit, he was right up in my face.   With a sour expression on his face, he pointed at a tiny little dog turd on his front lawn and accused me of not picking up after Mr. T, which was laughable for several reasons:  1) The turd was the size of a marble, thus clearly not coming from a 75 pound pittie, 2) the turd was old and dried out, so clearly not fresh, and 3) I was already carrying not one, but TWO full poop bags.  Why on earth would I pick up after him twice and then just say “meh” about a third one, and 4) while he couldn’t have known this, I am a bit of a poo police in my neighborhood and have joked about starting a vigilante “poo crew” because no one likes stepping in dog shit, even dog owners.  While I wanted to tell him that he clearly needed to watch more “CSI” to hone his detective skills, I told him that while I did not take responsibility for the lawn nugget, I would pick it up since he was so clearly distressed about its presence (said in a most patronizing tone, of course). While I understand that people don’t want dog poop in their yards, chastising any and all dog owners who dare pass by your property is just asinine.  Luckily for him, I’m not much into confrontation, so I’ll just passive-aggressively bitch about him here on the interwebz.

 

“This isn’t even mine, I just don’t want to hear you bitch.”

 

 

Potnoodle:

 

I got up early this morning because I thought I had to work. Turns out, she only needed me for a short while and I took advantage of that. Went home, grabbed my dogs, and took them off for an adventure. We hit a trail we don’t often hit because it is for leashed dogs only. No big deal, I kept my guys on leash and we hiked up to the waterfall. I passed quite a few people and dogs for a Monday morning, and yes, there were some off leash dogs. They kept to themselves and I kept to myself. Upon returning to my car, I found this:

Well so much for my pleasant mood, asshole. Just because I have dog crates in my car and multiple bumper stickers claiming just how close to crazy dog lady I am does not mean I control all of the dogs. My dogs were on leash the entire time, and even if they weren’t, say something to my face-don’t leave a snotty little note. To add insult to injury, the front of the card was for a semi-local dog grooming shop. Perhaps they thought my poodles needed grooming too?

Someone piss you off over the weekend? Let us hear about it in the comments.

Sex Toy or Dog Toy

11 May

Happy Saturday! Let’s Ruin it.

 

Ok kids, which is the dog toy?

 

Option A

Option B

 

Can the answer be neither? We REALLY just want the answer to be neither. Don’t rub your junk on weird disembodied feet and don’t let your dog chew on weird disembodied feet. Can’t life just be that easy? Apparently not. Despite the lovely pedicure suggesting otherwise, option A is the dog toy. Sadly,option B isn’t even the most disturbing find when you google “foot fetish sex toy”. Don’t google that, let the experts* handle it.

*And by experts, we mean us.  Trust us, you don’t want your search engine history to be compromised like ours surely has been.

 

Where Do Puppies Come From?: Why We Judge People Who Have Oops Litters

10 May

As the prize for winning the first-ever Dog Snob photo contest, Ali B. earned the right to choose any topic of her choice for us to riff on, and boy did she pick a doozie.  Ali consulted with her friends from vet school and came up with the idea of judging “idiot owners that didn’t expect their unneutered pets to have sex.”  Yes, this is an idea we can get behind…ew…we mean…on board with.

 

So perhaps we should start out by explaining the birds and the bees, or in this case the intact dogs and bitches.  When a mommy dog and a daddy love each other….oh wait.  Nevermind.  When a dog and bitch are left alone together…they will get it on.  (cue Barry White)

 

Below are some examples (many of which are common threads on Yahoo! Answers of things idiot owners will say when their intact dogs end up mating.  We’re pretty certain (fine, 100% sure) that if one of these thoughts ever crosses your mind, you are NOT ready to keep intact dogs.  Or procreate yourselves.  Or read our blog.

 

“But they’re siblings!!”

Yes, of course your dogs know that incest is wrong.  Given that your dogs aren’t confused, horny pre-pubescent teens reading “Flowers in the Attic” , we’re pretty sure that they have no idea what incest is even is.

 

Girl, you like fiiiiine

Girl, you like fiiiiine

 

“I thought they would know better!”

Oh, you thought your dogs understood our human ideas of right and wrong?

That’s nice. Keep that in mind the next time your dog gets sick from eating something gross or runs after a squirrel. Some things are inevitable, like the tragedy that will befall you if you utter these words.

 

It’s not just a dog food, kids.

 

“Well, they’re totally different sizes!”

Because that’s ever stopped two dogs before.  Have you noticed how many dogs are part Dachshund?  Those little fuckers get around.

 lil frank meme

 

 


“I only left them alone for a minute!”

We’re not saying your bitch got any satisfaction out of it, just that you let her get pregnant. Dogs are like teenage boys–it only takes a second. Also, they often smell bad and will hump anything with a pulse.

“Yeah, I can do plenty of bad things before you get back, enjoy your trip.”

“We have five dogs in the house, its nearly IMPOSSIBLE to prevent a pregnancy”

So you authorized a doggy gang bang? If you aren’t smart enough to prevent a

pregnancy… spay the bitch, neuter the dog, and punch yourself in the throat.

It’s like a doggy diaper and a chastity belt all in one.*

“I didn’t want the dog to leave blood on the upholstery so I tied her up outside.”

Right, because obviously having puppies is MUCH less messy. Dog Birth is like a scene from “Carrie”, if Carrie licked up the mess afterwards. It’s gross. If you don’t want to spay your dog, get hot pants.

It’s not quite a kotex ad, but you get the gist.

 

“I didn’t know he was mating with her, I thought they were just playing!”

They were playing….hide and seek.

Not quite what they meant by the dog being tied

Not quite what they meant by the dog being tied

*belly bands do NOT actually work as chastity belts. Don’t try it, dumbass.

What are the worst excuses you’ve ever heard given for accidental litters?  Rage on, minions, rage on!

WTF Wednesday

9 May

When Busy Bee originally shared this with us, we naturally all laughed. What’s funnier than a dog that pays no attention to his owner, really? But then, we began studying the video. We watched all of his other videos with Joby and just…sigh. Is this real? Is that a voice-over? Is the owner really named Lonnie Stanks? Is the dog trained to shit on command? We’ve watched the videos more times than we care to admit, and we still don’t have the answers. Whatever it is going on here, we continue laugh incredibly hard every time I watch it.

Your Dog’s a Fat-ass. Feed it less. A Rant by Fang.

6 May

Food is a huge commonality in dogs. All dogs must eat. All humans must feed their dogs. And in all of this I have a beef. A big one.

No, not you cow.

My beef is with this.

holy shitballs

holy shitballs

and this

dear lord

dear lord

and this

It surprises me that an average walk down the street doesn’t send me into paroxysms of fury. Then I realize that these fat dogs don’t walk anywhere so at least my evening zen is safe.

I think I see a less-than-brave lion, but at least Toto isn’t 4000lbs.

I have no illusions to my own fitness. I am gifted with opposable thumbs, a car, and free will which allows me the freedom to pick and choose whatever bullshit I want to ingest and I do so with zealous abandon. I can be a happy 600lbs and it’s no one’s business but mine and my doctor’s. My dogs, however, despite some ingenuity with cabinet doors and packaging in general, have no such options. As such, their well-being rests entirely with me.

 

I know. I’d be scared too.

As I was saying, I own the credit card. I go to the store. I pick out the food. I pay for the food. I bring the food home. I measure out the food. I give individual portions for ideal body condition into each dish. I stand around waiting for the food to be eaten by each dog. I pick up their dishes. I wash their dishes. I repeat this cycle twice a day and will continue to do so for the rest of their lives. I’m equal parts dictator, nutritionist, fat-camp counselor, and anxious mother. Are they eating? Are they eating enough? How many kilocalories are in a cup of that? Is there enough bone in this package? Did I give enough organs this week? Why won’t they eat that? Can I make them eat that?

In essence, it all comes down to me. I make the choices for them. I pick their treats. As such, their weight is something I should be in control of. Whether or not you feed the best high dollar kibble on the market, one of the raw diets, table-scraps, or the crappiest dollar store kibble around, there is zero excuse for having an otherwise medically sound dog who is obese. I have dogs as companions, friends and helpers. I do not have dogs to create some sick science experiment on volume vs. surface area.

This is not funny, or cute. This is fucking disgraceful and I don’t mean the dog.

This is not funny, or cute. This is fucking disgraceful and I don’t mean the dog.

Now I fully understand medical issues. Thyroid, Addison’s Disease, Cushing’s Disease, post-Op recovery, even recent spay/neutering surgeries can cause your pups to pack on the pounds. Other skeletal and joint issues make strenuous exercise nearly impossible for others.

That potbelly is hallmark of Cushing’s. If your “fat” dog has it, get it to a vet ASAP.

I also understand that sometimes, shit happens. Jobs are lost. Living circumstances change. Budgets are cut and that pricey diet kibble is no longer in the cards. Now, ask me how much that matters in the long term health of your dog.

Zero!

Yup. You got it. There are always other options to keep a dog at a healthy weight. The first step is recognizing there is a problem. If it’s not medical, it’s lifestyle choice, and let’s be honest, our dogs don’t have that many choices in regard to home decor let alone food.

Here’s a handy guide to: Shit not acceptable as an excuse:

1) He looks hungry still

    He’s a dog. They’re scavengers and thus most are always hungry.

images

2) He looks thin.

    Have you ever seen a thin dog? Yes? Well that one isn’t so no. People can’t recognize a cat at a healthy weight so why would they recognize a healthy dog.

This kitty isn’t a lard-ass.

3) He’s hyper otherwise.

    Why did you get an energetic dog if you couldn’t manage it? Putting weight on a dog doesn’t solve training issues, it just gives them more mass to knock you around with, moron.

Yup.  Let's put 30 pounds on him and hope he slows down.

Yup. Let’s put 30 pounds on him and hope he slows down.

4) He misses me.

    WTF? What does that have to do with anything?

I don’t get it either.

All those excuses suck. The sheer willful disregard by owners astounds me. (Okay, no it doesn’t, but I lost my soul somewhere in the dog park) Whether it’s carelessness, a deliberate attempt to decrease energy levels, misplaced love or just ignorance it is something that is not only fixable but preventable in the first place. When your dog weighs more than I do, we have a problem. So here’s the plan; You get out and look at your dog. If it’s fat, put it on a diet. If it’s not. Awesome. I don’t hate you yet*.

You can’t deny the dog has pizazz.

*I will probably hate you eventually though.

Sex Toy Saturday!

5 May

It’s that time of the week again!!  We’ve scoured the internet (and cleared our browsing histories multiple times) so that we can bring you another Sex Toy Saturday!

Put on your thinking caps (we imagine they look a little something like this) and get ready to guess! 

OPTION A:

squeaking-weird-monster-style-rubber-toy-for-dogs_ejnnss1348482185199

OPTION B:

Screen Shot 2013-05-04 at 7.17.31 PM

Ok minions, which is the sex toy and which is the dog toy?

If you guessed that Option B is the dog toy, you would be….woefully incorrect.   Yes, ladies and gentleman, that mouthy little green monster is a sex toy.   For real.  People put that thing, actually called the Man Eaters from Outerspace Waterproof Vibrator, near their lady bits** (om nom nom nom).   Option A, while looking an awful lot like a testicle with a tiny penis on its head, is actually a dog toy.   We also noticed that it appears to be snickering, and we’re pretty sure it’s laughing at the other toy for having to go where no monster should have to go.

**CORRECTION:  Blame BusyBee for not reading thoroughly, but apparently the Man Eater toy is actually for men (seriously, the man-eating part should have been a clue).  Yep.   Let that image dance around in your head.  You’re welcome.

Descend into the Void: Yahoo! Answers: Dog Snob Version

4 May

Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question never spent any time on internet forums.  Even a quick search of various dog-related forums will yield an alarmingly large amount of stupid questions, most of which make us want to beat our heads (or better yet, the heads of the people asking them) against a wall.   Below we have taken a stab at answering some of the best (read: worst) questions we found.

QUESTION:

Screen Shot 2013-05-03 at 7.11.23 PM

ANSWER:

Seriously?  What’s going to happen is that your dog is going to be in a lot of pain and possibly could die if you don’t get off the freaking internet and get your dog to a vet.  Also verb tenses are important. Get with the program, fucktard.

QUESTION:

Screen Shot 2013-04-30 at 6.03.25 PM

ANSWER:

So, your eight week old puppy has been sick five times, presumably since you’ve had her. Exactly how long have you had the dog? Wait, she hasn’t “ate or drank” anything? Why haven’t you gone to the vet yet? Oh right, you were too busy asking questions on the internet.

QUESTION:Screen Shot 2013-05-03 at 7.12.39 PM

ANSWER:

There is so much wrong here that it’s hard to know where to start so we won’t. Just bask in the idiocy.

QUESTION:

Screen Shot 2013-05-03 at 7.12.29 PM

ANSWER:

While this is totally a legit concern (at least according to BusyBee, who swears she isn’t the original poster), we can’t say we recommend viagra for dogs.  Penis pumps are a whole different story, however.  Also, measuring your neighbor’s dog’s penis (The apostrophes are important there) might land you a court date with animal control. Just sayin’

QUESTION:

Screen Shot 2013-05-03 at 7.12.20 PM

ANSWER:

Yes.  It’s the dog.  Also, we have a bridge to sell you.

QUESTION:

Screen Shot 2013-05-03 at 7.12.08 PM

ANSWER:

Is this for real?  We hope not.  Well actually, it would be pretty spectacular to imagine a dog that revenge pees on his dumbass owner on a regular basis. On another note, what (or more disturbingly who) else could be peeing on you?

QUESTION:

Screen Shot 2013-05-03 at 6.59.35 PM

ANSWER:

We’ve logged your IP address. We’ve contacted the authorities. Please keep your underwear on until they arrive.

QUESTION:

Screen Shot 2013-05-03 at 6.54.10 PM

ANSWER:

I think your dog is on to something. If you don’t understand the answer, ask her. She’ll be in the corner, smirking.

QUESTION:

Screen Shot 2013-05-03 at 6.52.46 PM

ANSWER:

Yes it’s weird. That you’ve announced it on a public forum is even weirder and we question your mental status. Luckily there is a whole category (Subcategory? God please let it be a sub-sub-category) of people who pretend to be species they are not, as adults and in large undulating piles. Maybe you’ll find your “Six foot weasel” or in your case, six foot wiener(dog) to snuggle up to.

QUESTION:

Screen Shot 2013-05-03 at 6.51.52 PM

ANSWER:

Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus. I choose to believe you were asking about Santa. Let me hold my innocence for a little longer.

QUESTION:

Screen Shot 2013-05-03 at 7.34.11 PM

ANSWER:

Clearly, the answer is yes.  And if you believe this, may we suggest that both you and your dog make appointments to be sterilized.  Darwin thanks you in advance. We’ll hold our thanks until we get your spay certificate.

WTF Wednesday

2 May

Good luck blaming the dog anymore.

Yep.  That’s a thong.  For dogs.

Directly from the website:

“The Dogone – Dog Gas Neutralizing Pad is a comfortable and least intrusive means for deodorizing gassy discharges in a thong design. This will eliminate pet odors and dog odors from flatus or flatulence.”

Dogs fart, some more than others (we’re looking at you Mr. T).  While we often bitch and moan about these gaseous extrusions, we seriously want to know who has this much time on their hands to create this? Or who has a dog whose gas is soooo bad that they felt the need to create “an activated charcoal cloth….that is reusable and washable”??  Maybe one should rethink their dog’s diet before fitting them with a thong.  We’re actually pretty sure our dogs would kill us in our sleep if we ever tried to make them wear one of these.

I guess we shouldn’t surprised that this product exists.  I mean, we’ve already posted about “Rear Gear” and the “Poop Trap”, so it only makes sense that there would be even more products out there geared specifically for the dog ass.   Seriously though, your dog has an asshole.  That means it will pass gas and extrude turds.  If you can’t deal with this,  you really should rethink owning an animal.  Might we suggest a nice pet rock?

First Dog Snob Photo Contest

1 May

Deciding on a winner was not easy. There was an all-out debate, a little name-calling, and some decidedly bitchy sniping that went into making this decision.  Ultimately, we were able to land on a snobby dog that was worthy of representing us for the month of May.  Drumroll please….

 

Our Choice:

 

Ali B. and Sport!!!

That face, side-eye and all, was just too much to ignore.  Congratulations!  You get the illustrious honor of being our profile picture for the month of May and the ability to choose a blog topic for the three of us to riff on.  Better make it good–we’re feeling extra snarky!

 

 

In addition to the picture voted on by us, the lucky minion (who  received an amazing 81 likes) who wins a questionable dog toy of our choice is…..

 

 

People’s Choice:  

 

Tracy P. and Daisy!

 

Both winners should contact us privately as soon as possible.  Either Email us at thedogsnobs@gmail.com or message us on facebook.


Thanks to everyone that sent us photos, we laughed out loud at most of them. For those of you who didn’t win (we won’t go as far as calling you losers, but….), we are excited to announce that we will post our next month’s contest tomorrow!  Stay tuned….