Archive | October, 2013

Owner Profile: The Nostalgic Nitwit

8 Oct


The Nostalgic Nitwit (NN) believes that dogs come programmed with all the basic skills and obedience required to live with humans.    The NN assumes that a dog automatically recognizes the command “sit” and knows not to shred the latest issue of US Weekly or pull that block of cheese off the kitchen counter.  They don’t remember their family dogs growing up requiring much work, so they are completely aghast that their new pooch requires effort and patience. When their current dog inevitably act like (untrained) dogs tend to do, the NN seethes in frustration and waxes nostalgic about how their last dog never needed to be told how to behave.

And we didn't have legs!

And we didn’t have legs!

Common Locations:

In their living rooms repeatedly giving commands (down..down…just…lay down!) to their confused dogs, complaining to friends over cocktails about how much more work their current dog is than their childhood pet

I’ll sit if you bring me that margarita.

Breeds Owned:  

Whatever their dog was growing up, because that dog was perfect. Collies, Labs, and Golden Retrievers are common.

Perfect(ly) Devious

Skill Level:

Low.  Having assumed that their family dogs growing up all came perfectly trained, the NN has not bothered learning anything about dog behavior or training.

Either that means he is hungry or he ate the mailman… Which one?!

Catch Phrases:

“He should have known better!”, “Mr. Fluffykins NEVER….”

Anecdotal Evidence:

BusyBee: It never ceases to amaze me how many people come into the animal shelter looking for a dog that will not require any work or effort.  Recently, a young woman came in looking for her first dog as an adult, and seemed horrified that the dog she was interested in, a stray we picked up a few days earlier, did not know that jumping was uncool.  Imagine her surprise when she learned the dog didn’t know how to shake and rollover.  I mean, her “gentleman” (her words) of a childhood dog did all those things, so surely all dogs should do these things automatically, right?  I tried explaining that her family dog probably was trained by her parents, and even though she may not have been involved or remembered it, it was highly unlikely that Fido came out of the womb knowing how to behave.  When I suggested that the dog she was looking at was quite smart and would benefit from some training classes (and frankly, so would she), she scoffed and then asked if the other major shelter in the area had dogs that came “trained”.

She probably isn’t ready for a plant either

Potnoodle: A particular nitwit comes to mind, though I know many. This particular NN had purchased a field line lab “just like the one he grew up with.” He purchased the dog, taking great care to make sure it was the same color as the one he had as a kid. I met him when he brought the dog in for training classes. It CHEWED on things, didn’t come when called and was impossible to house-train. In other words, it was a lab puppy that had no manners.  Absolutely nothing like his childhood dog, despite being given the same slightly racist name. I watched him struggle for six weeks trying to get this puppy to mind. Finally, he started to accept reality and actually train the dog. He visited his family the week after the class ended and came back afterwards to tell us that his new puppy was going to a board and train facility because that’s where the first incarnation went and it came back the perfect dog.

**Know a Nostalgic Nitwit?  Used to be one?  Share below!**

Sex Toy or Dog Toy Saturday

6 Oct

OK, kids. Settle down and let The Dog Snobs tell you a story. Actually… kids need to get out because this is NOT suitable for minors. That’s right… it’s Sex Toy or Dog Toy Saturday.

Option A

Option B


“But Dog Snobs!” you say, “This week is so obvious!” To that we reply… do we really trust people to leave the tennis ball alone? No. No, we do not. Yes, Option B is the dog toy. Still though… what sexual congress can someone get up to that involves inserting a fox tail in to their…. well we all know where that’s going.  What we really want to know is why? Or maybe we don’t. We do know that those weird hipster tails just became the second most hated use of fur bits we can think of.

What WOULD the fox say if he knew where his tail was going after it had been chopped off his mortal remains? We’re going to leave the yelping jokes alone, because we have class.

“He’s just a puppy!” and other dumbass excuses for idiots and the responsibility challenged

1 Oct

We’re sick of it. You know what we mean. The stupid people. The rude people. The rude and stupid people. The rude and ignorant stupid people. So we’re going to make it easy. Rather than attempting to muddle through the idiocy, we’ve made a guide. Consider it our guide to knowing if you’re going to need to make that drink a double.


1) He/She’s just a puppy.

This is the go-to excuse for people who don’t want to bother making boundaries or actually putting effort into their dogs. While we’re probably bordering on that being factual, your nine-month to eighteen month dog is not in fact a puppy anymore. Seemingly thought of as a way to excuse any and all of their dog’s bad behavior, we’re here to let you know, it’s not. If your fourteen month old retriever puppy harasses the other dogs and does not respond to their corrections, blowing it off with “Oh she’s just a puppy” is not a way to make friends. Conversely explaining that your “puppy” jumps up and bites your arms as you show your scars is not a good way to make a case for passing a basic test of control. Puppyhood is a very very short phase; you should enjoy and embrace every puppy behavior that charms and delights you. You do however need to understand that what was “cute” with a puppy, can be exceedingly *not* cute in an adult dog, and downright dangerous in many cases. Love your puppies, but make sure you’re raising an adult dog you can be proud of.


2) He/She is a rescue

All three Dog Snobs have rescue dogs.  We understand that sometimes the dog comes to you in a less than ideal condition.  We get that it can take time to work through them.  However, allowing your rescue to get away with murder and not making any attempt whatsoever to solve the issue at hand? Not cool.  Allowing this to go on for years?  Really not cool.  While rescuing a dog is a great thing, actually working with your rescue dog is even better.  Rescuing a dog is not a life-long excuse for his bad behavior nor does it give you an excuse for a life-long pass on responsible dog ownership.

Sometimes I bark at other dogs because a dog barked at me once four years ago.

3) He/She doesn’t mean it

Are you actually saying that your dog who is trying to go cobra at the end of your leash is “just joking”? Explaining the reasoning behind this particular sentiment is infuriating.  What exactly does he mean? Is snarling and slavering at the end of a leash how he says hello? If that’s what you consider hello, we’re gonna choose to walk away.

This is just how he says hello!


4) The other dogs will correct him/her if there’s a problem

People who say this are inevitably the ones who subsequently freak out when a dog does indeed correct theirs.   While we do agree that helicopter dog-parenting is not the way to go, nor is letting other dogs go all “Lord of the Flies” on your dog.   What starts as an appropriate correction can quickly escalate, especially if the dog on the receiving end is lacking in dog social skills.  Instead of letting the dogs battle it out, it’s your job as an owner to intercede if necessary.  Your dogs shouldn’t have to figure out everything on their own.  Part of being a responsible dog owner is knowing what kind of behavior is appropriate and what isn’t and making sure that your dog isn’t consistently pushing other dogs to the edge.

Not this kind of pushing, but we could see how that could get annoying.

5) My Dog is Friendly

Please don’t make us say this again.  It makes us get all riled up.  Read our thoughts on this asinine phrase here.


So, the moral of the story? If someone opens their mouth and some of these phrases come spewing out, there’s a good chance you’re talking to a moron.   Walk away, and quickly.  We hear idiot can be contagious.