Owner Profile: Abercrombie & Bitch Bro

12 Nov


We all know him, most of us avoid him, that’s right, it’s the Abercrombie & Bitch Bro.   Equal parts “bro” and douchenozzle, the ABB obtained a dog with the sole purpose of picking up chicks.  While the ABB may genuinely enjoy his dog, he primarily views it as a means to a (happy) end(ing).

yeah….not so much

Common Locations:

Lurking at dog parks waiting to strike up conversation with female park-goers or sitting outside of coffee shops for extended periods of time, the ABB only walks his dog during peak times when the chances of seeing ladies jogging in sports bras is maximized.

She’s probably a Lesbian anyway….

Breeds Owned:

Labs, English Bulldogs, French Bulldogs, Boxers.  Basically anything smooshy and soft that women can’t seem to resist.

Bitches love when I snort. Bitches love Brachycephalic Syndrome.

Skill Level:

Low.  Given these individuals put little thought into getting a dog beyond the potential female-attraction quotient, the ABB has done very little research and even less training.  If they have trained their dogs, it’s to do things like fetch a beer (Natty Light, of course) out of the fridge or find a hot woman in a crowd.



“Trust Me I’m a Doctor” t-shirts, Polo shirts (collar popped),  cargo shorts, nautical themed flip-flops


Catch Phrases:

“Chicks love Winston!”, “Oh wow, Mugsy really likes you.  You must be pretty special”, “Did you see those sweater puppies?!”, “Duuuude”

Anecdotal Evidence:


BusyBee: I have a neighbor, let’s call him “Chad”, who is most certainly an ABB.  I’m fairly certain that he chose his dog (and subsequent dog-related pick-up lines) from reading askmen.com, GQ, and other male-friendly publications.  Everything about him is textbook ABB.  I mean, who walks their dog year round wearing flip-flops, a blazer, and novelty logo tees?   Granted, he never seems to actually walk his dog.  Instead he just kind of mills around the local park waiting for an unsuspecting woman to come up and ogle his Frenchie (and no, that’s not a euphemism).  While I’m sure he thinks he looks pretty slick hanging out in the park all day, he comes across more like that creepy dude that causes parents grab their children and flee.  I do occasionally see him snare a woman into his Frenchie trap, but it never seems to last long.  Apparently even a cute dog isn’t enough to make this guy tolerable for more than a few minutes.

Pretty sure this *is* a euphemism.

Potnoodle:  I go to a university in which Greek Life is a fairly big deal and last semester I was in class with an ABB. Classic Bro, he was a frat boy from his boat shoes to the frosted tips of his gelled hair  His english bulldog (Named Juggs… I wish I was joking) was basically the frat dog and I’m pretty sure he survived on cheetos and beer. He and his ABB owner could often be seen hanging out on the quad, watching the girls playing ultimate frisbee. I often saw girls go up to pet the dog, so apparently his plan was working.

Hey Gurl

3 Responses to “Owner Profile: Abercrombie & Bitch Bro”

  1. lisa2812 December 3, 2013 at 12:49 am #

    Oh this is great. I met one of these a few months ago when my boy was still a baby puppy. He didn’t understand why I didn’t want his mental “Puggle” jumping all over my boy.
    He also kept asking me if I thought his “puggle” was cute then had the idiocy to ask if my pedigreed dog was a mutt…


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