Archive | December, 2013

Owner Profile: The Distracted Dingbat

3 Dec

Description:  The female counterpart of the Abercrombie & Bitch Bro, the Distracted Dingbat (DD) is more about looking good with their dog than actually doing anything productive with them.  The DD obtained a dog because she thought it would be “fun” or was the thing to do while in their early 20s. The typical DD is a young (usually attractive) woman who can frequently be found sitting on the park bench at the dog park, playing with her cell phones  and checking her caked-on makeup using her iPhone camera.  The DD can spend impressive amounts of time trapped in her own self-focused universe, because heaven forbid she interact with any other humans at the park, let alone her own dog.  Whether Facebooking, Instragam-ing, or just sending snarky texts to her friends, the DD’s focus is always everywhere but her own dog.  As such, she is woefully oblivious to anything going on around her and is the ire of other dog owners who inevitably have to clean up (both literally and figuratively) the mess the DD and her dog leave behind.

Possibly the only way for a dog to get a DD’s attention

Common Locations:  The dog park, where she somehow manages to unleash her dog without ever removing her phone from her ear.  Sitting in front of coffee shops with dog tethered to table and cell phone firmly in hand.  Driving with her dog in the passenger seat while rocking out to Maroon 5.

You’re welcome

 

Breeds Owned:  Small-to-medium sized “designer” breeds like Puggles, Schnoodles, Frostons, Chiweenies, and Pom-a-poos.

Meet the latest in designer breeds, the Whizzerhunde Pequeno

Skill Level: Low.  The DD may love her snookums, but the only actual training she’s done is getting her dog used to be tied outside of Starbucks while she runs in for her skinny extra-hot soy double-pump chai latte.

Are you sure that was non-fat?

 

 

Catch Phrases: “Oh, Cupcake pooped?  I didn’t see, sorry!”, “Hold on, can I call you back?  My dog is humping someone’s leg”, “Can I get a collar to match my Vera Bradley pattern?”

Truth

 

Wardrobe:  The DD generally looks like a walking Lululemon ad, adorned in yoga pants, cute track jackets, and colorful sneakers.  Although at first glance it might look like she just rolled out of bed, the DD has in fact spent quite a bit of time perfecting the “supermodel going out for froyo” look.

I see London, I see France, I see through your Lululemon pants

 

Anecdotal Evidence:

BusyBee:

I frequently see a classic DD “walking” her dog in my neighborhood, which generally consists of her gossiping on her cell phone (“Oh. Em. Gee.  Can you believe that heifer said that?  I die.”) while her dog cavorts on the end of the flexi-leash.  I’ve literally seen them take five minutes to go 500 yards because the girl is so wrapped up in her phone that making any sort of forward progress is next to impossible.   This is also the same girl whose dog I once had to free outside of the local coffee shop when I walked by and saw him completely upside down and hog-tied by the flexi-leash he had been tied out on.  When she saw me trying to untangle her dog, she came running out and was SHOCKED that her pookiebear had managed to get himself into a pickle.  After her dog was freed, I nicely mentioned that *if* she was going to tie out her dog on a flexi-lead, she should at least make sure it was locked with little-to-no slack so that the dog couldn’t get itself into too much trouble.  She looked confused by this comment, thanked me, and then proceeded to re-tie her dog out so she could go inside and finish her triple mochaccino with her bestie.

 

Potnoodle:

I mentioned this on the last owner profile but it’s relevant so I’m mentioning it again… I’m in college so basically all the dog owners that surround me on a day to day basis are Abercrombie and Bitch Bros and Distracted Dingbats. I encounter idiots with yorkies named Preston or pomeranians named Prada on my daily walks. The most irritating of the DDs owns a Pekingnese named Winifred. Winifred is regularly seen tucked in to her DD owner’s purse or lunging at the end of a flexi lead while her owner laughs at how cute she is. On one of our more memorable encounters, the dog came dashing at my dogs but I was told not to worry (after the DD got off her phone) because “her mouth is too small to do any damage”…

 

I don’t know what she was thinking, that thing could snag a chunk out of my ankle with the underbite alone.

I don’t know what she was thinking, that thing could snag a chunk out of my ankle with the underbite alone.

 

Sex Toy or Dog Toy Saturday

1 Dec

We’re here to ruin another Saturday!  For this week’s installment, let’s take a little Polynesian vacation.

So, which is the sex toy and which is the dog toy?

Option A

Option B

Option B

 

Apparently nothing is sacred, even religious symbols.  Just be thankful we aren’t posting the Baby Jesus Butt-Plug.  Yes, that exists.  Look it up.  Or not

Option A is a “Squeaky Tiki” dog toy and Option B is the adult toy that gives a whole new meaning to “going south”.

Anyone for a vacation?