Owner Profile: The Mascot Moron

15 Mar


What says “I have extreme devotion to a sports team of a college I didn’t even attend” like purchasing a living breathing embodiment of that team? No, we’re not talking about that weird guy that makes his kid dress up like a pirate on game day (though we have a lot of judgement for him too…) We’re talking about the morons that buy a dog breed just because their favorite sports team is represented by one.  The Mascot Moron (MM) has attained a dog solely because they think it would be the ultimate show of school spirit…and stuff.  Things like temperament, exercise needs, and so on are rarely, if at all, considered when a MM decides to get a dog.

Next step:  Become a Mascot Moron.  Possibly add another dumb tattoo

Next step: Become a Mascot Moron. Possibly add another dumb tattoo

Common Locations:

College campuses and cities across the U.S.   The closer to a major sports team you are, the more MMs you are likely to run into.

Breeds Owned:

Most commonly Bulldogs or Huskies although other teams do have dog mascots.  That being said, we highly doubt that entire college towns are being overrun with Salukis (we’re looking at you Southern Illinois University Carbondale).

This image has inspired no one to get a Saluki ever. It looks like a smog covered, pissed off Falcor.

This image has inspired no one to get a Saluki ever. It looks like a smog covered, pissed off Falcor.


Skill Level:  

Low.  So very, very low.  Having done no other research than googling “cool names for a Husky”, the MM is woefully unprepared for the dog they end up with.

That’s still more than your owner does.   (We know this is a malamute. His owner probably doesn’t)

That’s still more than your owner does. (We know this is a malamute. His owner probably doesn’t)

Catch Phrases:

“College was the best time of my life”, “Dude, did you see the game?”, “Do you think we can teach Gumbo to do a touchdown dance?”



Anything with university logos, flip-flops year-round regardless of climate, full body paint at football games. Their dogs are also easily spotted by the jerseys and collar leash sets to match their chosen team.

Damnit. Haven’t we talked about mixing breeds?

Damnit. Haven’t we talked about mixing breeds?


Anecdotal Evidence:



If I had a dollar for every clueless idiot I saw being dragged around by a Husky in my city…I could afford to send my future child to a private college.   Scratch that.  I could buy like 1,000 Paco Collars.  Anyway,  living in a city where everyone and their hapless mother owns a Husky because they want to show their school spirit has definitely been interesting, because you know, Huskies are such easy dogs.  While there are many qualified Husky owners in my area, chances are that if one is owned by someone under 30, is accessorized in college logo gear, and has a name similar to or the same as the actual university mascot or any of the last 5 incarnations, they’re a MM.  These are generally the people you want to avoid as they literally have done nothing with their dog other than training it to bark to the school fight song (arooooooooo).   These are also the same people who can’t seem to figure out why their dog ate their limited edition throwback jersey after being left alone all day or why it scaled their four foot fence and chased a cat while being shut outside during the fantasy football draft.


I also live in a college town. Thankfully, not a dog mascot. Our mascot is the Gamecock, and while there’s plenty of irresponsible cock ownership going around… that’s not what I’m here to complain about. Nay, friends, I’m here to complain about my neighbours.The Georgians and their beloved UGA. Ah, Uga. That wrinkly face, those stubby legs, that inability to breathe so hindered by humid southern air. You know what’s slightly less of a downer than your favorite team losing the game? Your dog having a heatstroke at the tailgating party. No worries, you can just replace your beloved Uga… that’s what they do with the real mascot anyway! In fact, Uga VII and Uga VIII both lived only one year before keeling over, being buried in the stadium and then promptly replaced by another monstrosity from the same lines because if there’s one thing that the south loves more than football… it’s keeping it in the family. *

*I’m allowed to make incest jokes. I live here.

 Anyone want to admit to being a Mascot Moron? Want to throw a family member under the bus and identify them as a MM?  Going to have Saluki-filled nightmares?  Share below!

18 Responses to “Owner Profile: The Mascot Moron”

  1. Barbara March 15, 2014 at 2:45 am #

    Oh my. I live in SEC country too and can’t stand Uga! I didn’t know the past two were so short-lived. That is sad. My dog does not own one school-themed item.

  2. Amy March 15, 2014 at 2:45 am #

    Can confirm–Salukis are uncommon in Carbondale. Source: I’m from southern Illinois; both brothers went to SIUC.

    This article made me die a little inside:

    Sorry for the mobile link, hopefully it will work.

    • Emily March 19, 2014 at 9:41 pm #

      Uhh…does that article really indicate that one of their Salukis got pregnant and they just kind of accepted it, even though they owned the bitch’s full brother? That’s horrifying. Also, that story is like Exhibit A for why most pet owners need to s/n. I’d rather hear of a juvenile speuter than a brother/sister accidental mating.

  3. Peg March 15, 2014 at 2:46 am #

    Hah! Thank goodness our mascot is a Longhorn bull… because while no dogs are bearing the brunt of the sports obsession here, there’s no shortage of bullshit. 😉

  4. Elise March 15, 2014 at 3:12 am #

    I just have to wonder if potnoodle goes to a college town I am ALL too familiar with…

    • TheDogSnobs March 15, 2014 at 3:30 am #

      The world may never know (but probably not.)

  5. Erica March 15, 2014 at 4:16 am #

    I got all excited to see the Saluki there. My dad and a ton of family live here and I’m visiting currently. I read your post out loud to my grandma (well only the SIU parts) and she didn’t laugh near as hard as I did. I’ve yet to see a Saluki here although I know there are some.

  6. Dana March 15, 2014 at 4:48 am #

    I live in Boulder and the number of dogs I’ve met named “Ralphie,” the CU Boulder mascot, is unreal- despite the fact that Ralphie is a buffalo!

  7. Chris March 15, 2014 at 1:11 pm #

    I always love a chance to point out that the Uconn mascot was actually a Samoyed for decades. Oh sure, they’d scour shittastic bybs for all – white Siberians… The sort of byb that is proud to say that’s their dog loving soley in a fucking sorority house. But the illustrated logo… Samoyed.

    And no, my Sibes have nothing to do with proximity to the school, although did have a well considered plan for how oneight save a dog from a sorority house.

  8. Christine Vezina March 15, 2014 at 1:59 pm #

    I always love a chance to point out that the Uconn mascot was actually a Samoyed for decades. Mind you, they always manage to scrounge up a real, all white Siberian from the sort of BYB that is proud to say, “That’s MY dog living in a sorority house and being dragged to massive sporting events!” But the drawn logo… Totally a Samoyed. Seems they just figured it out sometime last year and started to switch over to a blue-eyed Sibe in full mask.

    And no, my own crew has nothing to do with my proximity to the school. I may have extensively thought about how to successfully remove a Husky from a sorority house, though. To be fair, I believe Jonathan now has one, permanent owner, off-campus, who brings him to sporting events. But that’s a far too recent change too.

  9. Mountain Poodle March 15, 2014 at 5:11 pm #

    “while there’s plenty of irresponsible cock ownership going around”….. Hahahahahah! Best line ever!

    As for my alma matre, I’m pretty sure that I’ve NEVER heard of an alumnus keeping a Banana Slug. I guess we just don’t have much school spirit.

  10. Tam March 15, 2014 at 8:16 pm #

    Athens, not Atlanta dammit 😉

  11. Theresa March 16, 2014 at 2:34 pm #

    Ha, ha, thank god I wasn’t drinking my coffee when I read, “Smog covered pissed off Falcor”, I would have done a spit take all over the keyboard. . …

    I walked by a car yesterday with a paw sticker on it—of course I immediately key in on paw stickers, usually only to be disappointed that the kid’s school mascot is an animal with a paw–but this one said “My dog is a Cardinals fan” . . .. . I get making your dog wear your team pride in collars and jerseys and pretending but who parses it out into a sticker with one’s dog’s fake opinions on the car?

    • Theresa March 16, 2014 at 2:38 pm #

      Side note, the “other” KY team is U.K. –wildcats—and yes, there have been known such diehard fans in parts of this state that have thought it would be cool to raise a real wildcat from a kitten as a pet. But the wildcat usually learns ’em why that is not cool at all.

  12. crystalpegasus1 March 17, 2014 at 3:52 pm #

    UNC alum here, our mascot is a ram (or is it a foot? I could never quite figure it out). Anyhoo, I would have liked to see more frat houses with ACTUAL rams in them really, they may have been a bit cleaner.

  13. Carolyn March 20, 2014 at 8:11 pm #

    Luckily I have NEVER seen a pet Wolverine! Nor have I met a dog named Wolverine. I have met a number of dogs named after Bo Schembechler.

  14. perfectpanicky January 25, 2016 at 5:58 pm #

    I briefly considered getting a Scottie dog because my mother hates dogs, but her mascot was the Scottie, so she makes an exception for them. What could have gone wrong with that?!

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