What end of this thing takes kibble again? a.k.a. You got a puppy, now what?

29 Apr

As you may have heard, puppy fever has struck the Dog Snobs.

And the only cure is… shit I know this one


Clearly the only option for this is for the one of us to acquire said furry infant and the nominations are in. Fang is your Miss Dog Snob puppy Owner, 2014.


The eight tentacles would have come in handy. Damn underachieving childhood.


Aside from being incredibly annoying about the acquisition of said puppy, she’s been making list after list after list and generally being incredibly unwilling to discuss anything else for more than three minutes so you, dear minions can benefit from her obsessing (BusyBee and Potnoodle can attest to this…not that they mind…too much).

So you got a puppy, now what. Here’s a handy guide to doing what you should already know before you got said puppy in the first place.


Pick a name

What's in a name? Murder.

What’s in a name? Murder.

Names matter. Pick not-stupidly. We  know something like 30 Bellas off-hand. Bella shouldn’t be your first choice.   Also–read this 


Get the stuff you need but don’t have

Need and Want are not the same.

Need and Want are not the same.

Leash, collar, crate, dishes, white vinegar (Urine eliminator), Xanax, whatever you will 100% truly need when the puppy comes home.


Don’t get the stuff you don’t need

Despite feeling like a Need, it is in fact a Want.

Despite feeling like a Need, it is in fact a Want.

Diapers, Flexis, life-jackets, backpacks, 25 backup collars, strollers, giant rawhides, expensive toys etc. There is plenty of time to acquire that shit later. Focus on the essentials.


Make a plan

A legit plan

A legit plan

Socialization with dogs, people, umbrellas, wheelchairs, cement blocks, barrels, bicycles. A good touchstone is 100 things in 100 days. What about Training? Puppy Class? Home management? Will you be crating?  Tethering while home? Scheduling? How will you figure out a plan to make sure they can potty regularly? Do yourself a favor and hammer out all the details before the puppy comes home. Be flexible, because weird shit happens, but the major bits should be at least conceptualized.


Introduce your other pets

 This image was originally posted to Flickr by Blaine Hansel at http://flickr.com/photos/54193473@N00/5216306.

Oh my God! Riley got Quackers! -posted to Flickr by Blaine Hansel at http://flickr.com/photos/54193473@N00/5216306.


Slowly, carefully, and without being a dumbass. There are a ton of how-to’s online. Look them up.


Call your vet

Not remotely relevant, just hilarious.

Not remotely relevant, just hilarious.

Get an appointment. Maybe your breeder needs you to get the puppy examined within 72 hours, but regardless call and make a follow-up for the next round of puppy shots.  Also a great socialization opportunity over there.


Make a “go-bag”

Swiss Army

But in a nice Canvas or Nylon


Puppies are messy, gross little things, much like children. Be prepared with your go-bag for all your puppy-relevant travels. Towels (Paper and standard), water, dishes, Benadryl, wet wipes, spare leash and collar, puppy snacks, and an occupying toy since goodness knows some days we’d kill for an etch-a-sketch when we’re bored.


Register the damn microchip.

Except Steven. We don't want to find Steven.

Except Steven. We don’t want to find Steven.

Put your name on that sucker. You know what sucks? A dog who gets turned into a shelter, gets scanned, has a microchip and then has no current info on it. A microchip can save a life. Do it now.


Start training right away

YOLO indeed.

YOLO indeed.

No, we aren’t talking about getting your 8 week old pup to do a clean figure 8, but you should remember that the earlier you begin basic training, the better.  Puppy may be cute and innocent for now and follow you around like well, a puppy dog, but eventually the honeymoon will be over and before you know it, they’ll have hit that super fun (read: sarcasm) adolescent phase where they roll their eyes and tell you to fuck off.  Getting a good handle on obedience and forming a good training relationship early on will save you a lot of trouble in the long-run.  Don’t be that person who says “oh, he’s still a puppy” when your year old dog is still acting like an asshole.


Puppy-proof.  Then do it again.

With supervision this doesn't tend to happen.

With supervision this doesn’t tend to happen.

This is a great excuse to clean your house and get rid of any unwanted stuff…or at least move your wanted stuff to a safe place.  Puppies have a god-given gift for finding stuff you thought you had put away, so do yourself a favor and make sure that you don’t leave anything valuable, toxic, or dangerous at puppy level, and holy crap remember your electronic cords. Do what they do for babies, get down on your hands and knees (Not like that, pervs) and look around. Imagine the havoc you could wreak with just your teeth and some unsupervised time.

Prepare to take lots of pictures and annoy your friends.

This must be one of those weird Mexican Hairless things. Ugh... Oh well. Maybe it'll grow up to be cute.

This must be one of those weird Mexican Hairless things. Ugh… Oh well. Maybe it’ll grow up to be cute.

At least they aren’t baby pictures but they do grow up fast. Document it, but live in the moment.


Update your emergency contact information.

I like that God. Let's pick that one.

I like that God. Let’s pick that one.

Who gets puppy if something happens to you? Where do you want them to go for vet care? Any special allergies or circumstances? You need to have all this noted in that document that we assume everyone keeps in their car for travelling with their pets in case there is an accident and you are unable to answer these super-basic questions.


Patience, Patience, Patience

The real one this time.

The real one this time.

Remember your patience when the puppy is screaming at you at biting because god forbid you take away that toy they wanted a.k.a. Your Macbook’s AC adaptor. This too shall pass if you handle it correctly (See training above) and a time-out/nap time can be as good for you as it is for the puppy.


Make time for your other dogs too

I'm probably not to impressed by you either.

I’m probably not to impressed by you either.

If you have multiples (Like Fang and Potnoodle) or even one other very needy dog (like BusyBee), it’s hard not to be blinded by puppy glamor, but you still have other beasts to contend with at home. Those other beasts may also not be as thrilled with your new addition as you are. Alternate crate time for puppy and quality time for your other pets so they don’t get shafted in the time and training department. Or go all OCD like Fang and make a detailed training schedule because that involves different colors and that makes it fun.


Pick your coordinating colors and theme design

Not like this. This is all kinds of wrong.

You mean not everybody does that? Seriously?


Have fun.

We're still good though, right? Yes? I'm adorable.

We’re still good though, right? Yes? I’m adorable.

They’re only puppies for a short period of time and it goes by quickly. Love the puppy you have, train the dog you want and you’ll make the best friend you’ll ever be lucky enough to own.


And Fang’s puppy is the best puppy ever, so just get used to the shame of your less-than best puppy.

So much better than you

So much better than you

Best Puppy.

Best Puppy.


It’s okay. I’m sure you won’t even know the difference.

11 Responses to “What end of this thing takes kibble again? a.k.a. You got a puppy, now what?”

  1. Lori April 29, 2014 at 12:39 am #

    Oooooh, a WayOut Cattle Dog puppy! Have fun with that little cutie.

  2. Crazy Spotted Dog Lady April 29, 2014 at 12:52 am #

    I’m SO HAPPY I’m not the only one with coordinating themes and colors for each dog! (Even the freaking CAT has his own color scheme…)

  3. Joy B April 29, 2014 at 1:39 am #

    I swear every second female puppy that comes into the vet I work at is named Bella. Somebody please come up with something original!

  4. sarahjaneb April 29, 2014 at 4:08 am #

    The last time I had a puppy was 17 years ago, and I had no idea what the hell I was doing. She chewed EVERYTHING so I put away everything I thought she’d want to chew, (other than her chew toys) and she chewed up the TV remote, batteries and all. I will never again have a puppy. I like them pre-housebroken and well past the “chew everything” stage.

  5. Darcy April 29, 2014 at 10:06 am #

    Funny you should have a conversation about puppies! I just got my new puppy. Sally. 11weeks old. Your lists are so funny, but so right-on! Prioritizing is very important. We new puppy owners need to never lose sight of what is truly important in this puppy-world…. Color coordination… Please, people! Do NOT take your pup to her first vet appointment wearing a mismatched collar and leash…

    • tvignogna May 14, 2014 at 9:32 pm #

      Oh dear. My boy has a red leash, black harness, and collars of every color BUT red. No wonder the vet and the groomer shake their heads each time I come in………….Congrats on the new puppy!

  6. Dr. Bob, muppet vet April 29, 2014 at 6:59 pm #

    You’ve left out one crucial item- sign up for pet insurance and/or have a savings account for emergencies BEFORE you need one! There are few things worse than euthanizing a brand new sick puppy because the owners just spent $2000 on puppy and matching paraphernalia and now can’t afford to treat for parvo because they’ve spent all their money on the dog. If you haven’t had a dog for a while, you should also call around to check the prices of vaccines and spay/ neuter- you may find they are significantly more expensive than you remember and you need to budget for them!

    • TheDogSnobs April 30, 2014 at 2:49 pm #

      Preferably both. Most pet insurance has a delay in payment and claim approval.

  7. organictroll May 1, 2014 at 7:56 pm #

    Today is my Dog’s fourth birthday, so I’ve been thinking a lot about when she was a puppy. I loved her then, and I love her now; but it sure is nice that my hands are bleeding from puppy teeth like they did for the first 4-5 months!

    Puppies are great anyway, and that little Heeler is very cute. LOVE herding dogs.

  8. RNB March 10, 2015 at 3:11 am #

    Reblogged this on ravensnestblog and commented:
    Incoming puppy. I need to read this repeatedly.

    Also, buy more rum. For me, not the dogs. Although maybe Griffin will need some too, ha.


  1. Must-have puppy supplies? - May 28, 2014

    […] What end of this thing takes kibble again? a.k.a. You got a puppy, now what? | The Dog Snobs for fun To add: Some sort of enclosure, be it a crate, ex-pen, or baby gate for a pup-proof room. Food dispensing/interactive toys. Treat pouch and clicker. Harness and leash for walking. Collar and tag for id. A brush and nail clippers. Bed or crate pad and food/water bowls. Those are the biggies. Posted via Mobile Device […]

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