Archive | February, 2015

An open letter….

23 Feb

Dear People who tell their ill-behaved small dog,  “Oh, don’t mess with that dog, he will eat you alive !” when you pass by us on a walk,

I’m afraid that one more comment or joke about how my dog could eat/kill/maim your dog will send me over the edge.  Truly, I might lose my shit.  You know who you are–that  person who with a yappy out-of-control little dog lunging at the end of his leash and barking frenetically at us while my dog walks calmly by.   I’m not quite sure what about my chill dog who literally hasn’t even acknowledged your dog’s existence screams “I’m gonna eatcha!”, but alas, the words seem to spew of your mouth with some regularity.

I’m pretty sure my dog hasn’t gotten into them.


Just because my dog is large, or of a certain breed, does not mean that he is looking at your precious pup like a slab of delicious bacon.  In fact, I’m actually the one trying to get away from your miniature hell-beast before it nips my big guy’s ankles.   Here’s the thing–my dog really doesn’t care about your dog, and frankly, even if he did, I’m responsible enough to make sure he doesn’t defend himself from your dog’s frantic behavior.

Maybe you should try it.


Look, I am sure some of you are joking when you say such things, but I’m pretty sure many of you aren’t.  Either way, it is super annoying and really not that funny.  If it were my dog misbehaving on the end of the leash and releasing the kraken on your dog, I am pretty sure you would be upset and wouldn’t find it funny, so I’m not entirely sure why I am supposed to laugh at your lame joke.


If you are someone who has said something like this before, please just stop.  Instead of laughing at the situation or making some lame comment, might I suggest (gasp) actually working with your dog to curb him of his bad behavior?  Ill-behaved dogs of any size are not cute, and neither are their owners who make light of it.

Even Grumpy Cat agrees.






Westminster Kennel Club Drinking Game: Bottoms up!

17 Feb

We certainly aren’t the first ones to come up with a Westminster drinking game, but we would like to think that ours is the most fun.  So fill up your liquor cabinet and drink up bitches, it’s gonna be a wild couple days.

In case you live under a rock, the rules of the game are as follows:   Every time one of the following happens, follow the appropriate directive. Or else. 


Hear someone mention the word “alpha”. Take one shot and bang your head on the table.

Each time someone mentions the poodle “haircut”.  Eat a cupcake. It’ll soak up the alcohol. You’ll thank us later.

An announcer asks an asinine question (i.e. “Do Pointers really point?”). Take one sip.

The Friend-Zone: “This dog has a great personality!” Take one shot, and eat another cupcake because it’s never going to happen, Allen.

The Dick: “Independent personality” a.k.a. The Terrier group. Really this is just an excuse to get trashed on a week night, so take half a sip and chase it with some water.

Anyone in your general vicinity watching with you uses the adjective “frumpy”. Yell “This is how we do” and take a shot. Props to the frumpies.

One of the group dogs ignores or gives a “Fuck off” face to the host attempting to interview the four legged half of a show team. Take a drink and toast that dog.

The Patriot: Comment about ‘Murica’s dog. Take a sip of something foreign and spit it out in disgust. We drink watered down beer and grain alcohol. Go back to France, commie.

The Weimaraner enters the ring. Pick your favorite ‘Best in Show’ quote and yell it loudly. Whoever is most convincingly as a neurotic showy gets a lactose-free Starbucks drink upon their next venture into the real world.

A female handler is wearing gratuitous sequins.  Take two shots and put on a pair of sunglasses.

Someone mentions how ‘ancient’ a breed is.  Chug whatever you are drinking.  DO IT NOW.

Handler rolls their eyes. One shot and a cupcake. God knows they have to put up with enough crap this week.

Someone mentions that a celebrity owns a particular breed.  Punch your neighbor in the throat and call them Martha Stewart. Then go watch Orange is the New Black. Do it.

A host (Not you David, you rock.) grossly mispronounces a breed name (might as well prepare yourself before the Xoloitzcuintli) .  Take half a shot and hang your head in shame.

Can’t decide whether a dog is ugly, cute, or a foot-stool.   Make a toast.

A dog (most likely the Lab) is obese.  Eat two more cupcakes.

Someone comments on how skinny the Greyhound is.  Finish the cupcakes.

You know the dog. Take a sip.

You know the dog and it’s a dick. Take a shot.

You hear the phrase, “Don’t be fooled by this dog’s appearance”.  Roll your eyes and rehydrate with some water.

An announcer says “This breed makes a great family dog”.  Yawn and go get a refill.

A male handler doesn’t set your gaydar pinging.  Drink two shots, throw your hands in the air, and shout “hallelujah”

A female handler is actually wearing attractive shoes.  Finish off the entire bottle of vino.

A dog’s call name is your first name. Take a shot.

Finish the entirety of “God Loves a Terrier” during a Purina commercial. Everyone else with you takes a shot.

A dog has better hair than you.  Sob silently into your merlot.

A judge’s first name is Doris or Jean.   Call your grandma immediately.

You correctly guess the “Best in Show Winner”.   Immediately do the ‘told ya so dance’ and rip off your shirt in a fit of glory.



How to Avoid Making Asshole Moves at the Vet: A Tutorial

3 Feb

Imagine you’re at the doctor’s office waiting for your appointment and are feeling nervous. Then imagine a middle-aged man comes running up to you, sits uncomfortably close to you, and then proceeds to elbow you repeatedly while trying to make small talk while singing.  Most of us would be pretty annoyed, right?  So if this kind of behavior isn’t acceptable for humans, why do so many people let their dogs treat the vet waiting room like an unofficial dog park.

So here are some general rules that you should abide by while at the vet.  Failure to do so makes you Supreme Ultimate Asshole (and yes, there is a crown for that).

Like this, but with a giant dog turd on top

You’ve arrived at the vet and are now waiting for your turn in a waiting area covered with inspirational cat posters.  What should you do?


  1. Keep your dog on the damn leash.  For real.  And we mean the entire time too.


2. If you insist on using flexi-leads (and you know how we feel about those), lock the line.  No one wants to break an ankle on your tripwire-of-doom while you yap on your cell phone.

3. Ask permission before you let your dog approach another dog.  And if they say no, respect their choice and don’t force Princess Fluffypants on their petrified pooch.

And don’t think I won’t blame your dog.

4. The same goes for cats/critters in carriers.  Don’t be an asshole and let your dog harass little Bunny Foo Foo or the hissing cat in the cloth carrier.

5. If your dog isn’t okay with other animals or people in reasonable circumstances, request an appointment during quieter hours. If that’s not possible, bring a friend/someone who owes you money to sit inside as the place-holder to call you in from outside when it’s your turn. Even better get one of those nifty mobile vets who come to your house. It’s like a pizza delivery guy, but with more student loan debt.


So you waited, and sometimes waited and waited and now it’s Fluffy’s turn! Yes! It’s halfway over but wait… you still have rules to abide by.

  1. Is your dog a dick? Yes? Tell everyone who comes into the room. Repeat yourself until you think you may be annoying. If you are aware that your dog has the capacity to put a tooth through someone, not notifying them makes you a massive asshole. Bonus points for bringing your own muzzle and having it on before getting out of the car.

Better a duck than a dick

2. Look around. Is there a big-ass table in the middle of the room? Yes? Put your small/medium dog on it and hold them there. Really big dog? Hold off and wait for the vet. There may be some alternative arrangements for placement.

This is one alternative arrangement…

3. Have a question? Ask it no matter how stupid (And yes Virginia, there really are some incredibly stupid questions.) Better to be quietly snickered at later than accidentally harm your pet.

4. Be honest. If you are feeding for 70lb dachshund a rib roast with gravy every night for dinner, no one is going to believe “He just eats 1/8th of a cup and run two miles a day”. Most pet-owners’ lies are laughably unbelievable across the spectrum of animal industries so just don’t even try. Be an adult and take the lecture on your fat/unmedicated/benignly neglected dog.

And the vet tech too!

5. So help us God, do not ask for an arbitrary curative drug before the vet has even touched your pet. Veterinary medicine is certainly not straight-forward. While the novelty of the informed pet-owner imbues the average dog person with special status at their vet, that preferred status can be quickly lost by being ‘one of those’ owners. The needy pain-in-the-ass types. While you may be sure a round of steroids will clear up that phantom limp, treating your vet like an inconvenient pill-pusher won’t win you any friends or make your vet particularly inclined to assist you.

You did it. You survived the vet trip. Fido is healthy, happy and you had your questions answered and you followed our rules. Go team! But… there’s a few more things we should chat about….

  1. Don’t bash your vet if you intend to use them later on. If you still go to the practice and you didn’t bring it to the attention of the practice owner/manager it’s probably either not that important, not that serious or you may be being a bit of a special snowflake. The dog world especially is incredibly small. Calling your vet a jackass when you still go to them… not smart.
  2. Have a little perspective. Just because your vet doesn’t know the dosing of echinacea for your Persian’s sneeze or the Bone/Organ/Meat ratio for your raw fed dog,  doesn’t make them a bad vet, it makes them someone who has to google shit or look in a textbook like literally every other kind of doctor who is faced with something new. Vets will also make mistakes which a good one will cop to. It’s life, it sucks, it happens, we move on. They can also have bad days like everyone else.
  3. Bad vets exist. Rude, incompetent, nasty and plain old stupid people get into vet school too. We’ve yelled about them before and we probably will again. Most vets however, are not bad. If you attempt to treat all vets like they were bad, you will have a very difficult time finding a good one, and the constant in that equation is you.

So minions, what do you think?  What bad behavior have you seen at the vet?  Want to admit to being guilty of any of these?  We want to hear! 

Sex Toy or Dog Toy Saturday

1 Feb

Which is a cactus meant for your pooch and which is a cocktus meant for your….yeah….



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So even though option A  appears to have double-prick action, it is indeed a dog toy, meaning that option B is the unfortunate sex toy.   Nothing screams pleasure like a cactus up the hoo-ha, are we right?