The Kinds of People you find in Obedience Classes.

18 Apr

1) The diamond-in-the-rough

This person comes into class having had little to no prior dog training experience, and may even be a first time dog owner.  However, they quickly impress with their common sense (a rarity, it seems) and ability to learn new information. You want to hug these people but you don’t because it’s weird.

2) The doing-it-all-wrong-dipshit

You say zig, they zag…three times…and then tangle themselves up in the leash.   They are often acutely aware of how unskilled they are, but can’t seem to fix it.  Holding a leash and treats at the same time is apparently too much to ask.  Common sense eludes these people, and you are often left wondering how they manage to keep themselves alive, let alone their dog.

So wrong. It hurts

3) The been-there-done-that bitchface   

We’ve all met this person–the person that has SOOOO much dog experience and isn’t afraid to let everyone else know.  From interrupting the trainer to giving unsolicited advice to fellow classmates, this type of student just can’t help but be a know-it-all.  Even though they may very well be right in some cases, they consistently overstep their bounds and act like they are ones in the charge.  Prepare to see shade thrown between them and the poor trainer being paid to deal with her.

… I sleep talk?

4) The Incessant question-asker

While asking questions is a good thing, this person takes it to an extreme.  They are so bad that you often feel like the trainer spends more time addressing their neverending questions than actually teaching the class.

Stop snickering… Yes I know I’m adorable.

4) The “My spouse is making me come” sad sack

You can usually spot this person based solely on the bored expression and perpetual non-subtle texting on their phone. The kids/spouse just “had to have” this puppy and now the only one not gung-ho is stuck doing the actual work. Often they will come to a class or two before disappearing off in Avalon never to be heard from again. If they stick around it is a painful painful process for all involved if their attitude remains strictly in the ‘not my dog’ camp.

Sometimes it’s loud and yelling.

5) The “He is my therapy dog” Cheater.
Did you know you can fly therapy dogs for free? This guy does and even redirecting to the ADA for clarification on where their un-pottytrained 14 week old shih tzu can enter legally ends in much sighing. Your instructor will spend weeks trying to explain the difference between a service dog and a therapy dog before giving up when the assbag shows up with a vest and badge proclaiming their Service Dog status.

It’s not that hard asshole.

6) The Doubting Thomas    

Hopefully your instructor isn’t literally trying to get you to believe in their reincarnation but the Doubting Thomas takes every bit of purchased advice as a grain of salt to be studied under a microscope before being dismissed because “Tha’ll never work”. Often the Doubting Tomii will have “tried everything” and “done everything” after 45 seconds of concerted effort before giving up in a huff of self-righteous laziness. Their dog will never get it ever and everyone should know it’s because nothing you tell them will ever work never.

So much d-bag.

7) The Future Agility Superstar

The FAS is just here because the stupid instructor won’t let them right into competition agility classes. Their dog already sort of listens… kind of…. well how important is a recall anyway, and they are ready to take on the agility courses they saw on TV now now now! Their dog would be great and the only thing holding them back is your instructor’s inept teaching and a lack of faith in Princess Puffybritches’ adorableness when she jumps up on the counter and eats 14lbs of Halloween Candy. She can dog this and you will hear about it endlessly and how much of a waste of time “remedial” classes are for the savants they have yet to become.

Scramble Princess Puffybritches! Scramble!
8) The Enthusiastic Participant
The Enthusiastic Participant absorbs information like a sponge, has relevant and interesting questions and has clearly attempted their homework every week… they just do it wrong. They are the dream student until you have to watch them muddle through. The enthusiasm and interest is there but the physical skill, timing and sense of appropriateness is totally lacking. Your instructor will spend hours after-class with these people trying to mold them into the savvy dog person they’re trying so hard to be. Equidistant between ‘Doing it Wrong-Dipshit’ and the ‘Diamond in the Rough’ it’s a short leap to either conclusion from that middle-ground.

Goals are good…

5 Responses to “The Kinds of People you find in Obedience Classes.”

  1. Anni April 18, 2015 at 8:49 am #

    Yes! Another succinctly accurate post. Please allow my offerings… Rant no. 1 How about the trainers who cannot actually train beyond what they have ‘learnt’ a certain number of years ago. Old school types who discount different methods – even if they work – because “It’s always been done that way” (that sentence alone causes an involuntary throat-punch reflex). Their way or no way. I’ll take my way then, thanks!
    Rant no. 2 The Purely Positive type trainers who think every behavioural problem can be cured with a cuddle and a clicker – they usually have the worst-behaved bratty or nervous aggressive dogs too – a great advert for their business. Also wear fluffy bunny slippers or own knitwear with kittens on.
    Rant no. 3 Puppy socialisation classes. Usually held in a fusty, echoey village hall – yeah a ‘real world’ environment there – where pups that have been on the planet a matter of weeks are expected to behave impeccably while owners coo over each other’s balls of fluff. If you poo poo that (and there will be poo. And wee, in the hall) then you’re heartless coz everyone loves puppies, right?

    • Kyle April 18, 2015 at 12:35 pm #

      Thank you.
      All I needed to hear is in this article and first comment.

      • Susan Kennedy April 20, 2015 at 4:29 am #

        Rude and condescending. Everyone has to start somewhere.

  2. Diane April 26, 2015 at 3:03 am #

    Rude and condescending . . . yup. Maybe because it’s humor . . . snark . . . satire . . . Lots of us know people who fit into some of these categories that are being made fun of. But because we don’t want to discourage beginners, or we don’t feel really good about hurting people’s feelings, we try really hard to be nice, to be polite. And then we can come here and read about the people and situations that puzzle us, aggravate us, drive us to near-homicidality (is that a word?) without hurting the feelings of those aforementioned folks.

    • loveabull May 4, 2015 at 11:39 pm #

      Right on target as always, thank you guys! I work in a big box pet store and get to hear classes almost nightly. Every kind of owner and every kind of dog. From small and paranoid to huge and bellowing…never mind their pets…

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