GoFundYourself: Moving, Rednecks, and other updates in the life of Fang.

13 Jul

I Fang, have been a busy bee (No relation) in the somewhat expected but still rather sudden process of moving. That’s right underlings, I am leaving the elderly phallic shit-show that is The Sunshine State and departing for blue-green pastures to the north. While I’ve been playing an elaborate game of “Maybe Potnoodle and BusyBee will just pretend I contributed to something” it’s gotten a little silent and a little awkward so this is my contribution for the next month or so while I pretend to pack things while playing an alarming amount of Tetris. It is of course a list of things that are irritating me at this exact second. You’re welcome.

Not really, Florida. I know you try, you just fail so often it’s painful.

  1. Is it just me or has everyone lost their mind? Perhaps it was just that weird little bit of niggly earwax that constituted some degree of self-respect that was picked out sometime between some moron buying some sad sack parvo puppy off Craigslist for the low price of $7000, and then proceeding to hold the rest of us emotionally hostage as they hit us up for hundreds of dollars to fund this astoundingly poor life decision. I get it, I do, shit happens, emergency funds are very easy to deplete and sometimes life just sucks. There is however a fine line between “Oh how sad” and “God, what now?”.Despite theories to the contrary I’m not actually fully heartless. I don’t begrudge genuine emergencies, charities, or fundraisers for legitimately good causes. Hell, last year I was on a team rally (I’ve still got glitter in places I don’t want to think about) that used a similar site for an amazing cause and managed to contribute a fantastic amount of money. But here’s the gist guys–I’m not going to contribute to your 30k fund for your special service dog who is being imported as a puppy from some far off ‘-istan’ and he’s the only dog who could ever do the job ever. I’m also not going to contribute to your 20 year old dog’s CCL repair, your new $300 training vest, a crash-tested crate for your snookums or my personal favorite, a puppy for the kids because they can’t afford to buy one.
    I am by no means the arbiter of sound financial judgment, but I am cheap and pretty good at differentiating a need from a want. While I think many of these sites were set up with the former in mind, they’re increasingly directed towards the latter. To those funds I do in fact say, Go Fund Yourself.

    When your life plan matches a joke on South Park, you should probably reconsider your options.

  2. Stupid people annoy me. Willfully stupid people make me want to smash things. While I was closing up at work I took T-beast, who has turned into a bit of a frisbee-phile, out while I shut off ponds, etc. There was one other dog in the entire park and while I’d previously found this dog annoying, it was a hot and low-key evening, so I wasn’t anticipating any difficulty. I was amazingly wrong. This dog who we will call Doltface proceeded to harass, chase, posture over and otherwise ignore the amazing restraint shown by T-beast in her judicious corrections. Doltface’s owner, who we can just call TheAmazingDolt, yelled “Come! Come to me, damn it! Come! Get over here!” repeatedly while never actually bothering to stand up or put down her magazine. An inability to keep my mouth shut led to this charming exchange:“You realize that by not actually getting up and resolving the issue he’s learning he doesn’t have to listen to you at all, right?”
    “You’re teaching him that blowing you off is totally fine.”
    “He knows it! He’s supposed to come.”Amazingly, my mouth remained shut about other things that are supposed to happen, especially in regard to natural selection, but here’s the point. Supposedly this woman knows what she’s doing as she tells us all in great detail. Given how much yelling, puffing, and lecturing him on his badness that she does, one would think the reality would dawn on her but the rose-color glasses are GorillaGlass trifocals apparently. Supposed to and does are in fact different things. Who knew?

    Oh dear god.

  3. Moving is a shit-ton more difficult with dogs. I typically have four dogs in my house in an elaborate social strata that requires arrows and graphs to explain in detail. That is magnified in my car where space is a premium and the Malinois is perpetually a projectile. Have you ever attempted to fit four dogs in a hatchback with 8 crates? I can say from experience that this is impossible. While all of my dogs are fine together in short bursts, something about the car brings out everyone’s bitchtasticness and by middle-Georgia we’re all just about done with the horse-shit. So I discovered on my most recent northerly adventure that three crates, a grooming table and four dogs was the upper limit of my little Subaru’s attitude hauling capability. Relying on the pity of friends, however, has paid off and the Malinois is hanging out with the mottled scorpion-dragon and her co-owner up north while I stuff the others into progressively smaller spaces. Eventually I should have a cattle dog themed jack in the box. If you would like to fund my new vehicle, my move or other shit I want but don’t feel like working for feel free to message us.

    And by that I mean I'm incredibly expensive

    And by that I mean I’m incredibly expensive

  4. Speaking of Funding-oneself, what the fuck is with these sad-sack impossible cases where everyone is supposed to put their life on hold to fund a legless, stomach-less, bowel-less, face-less lumps of flesh but sweet puppy and we have to save it! There was a new one I saw today with a severely deformed English Bulldog swimmer puppy (Who has not recovered) with amputated rear limbs, no functional pelvis and a spinal deformity… like really? What kind of quality of life are you looking at there? I’m glad that you love… well whatever that is, but let’s check our own feelings at the door a bit here. There is a point where your love is making the situation worse, not better and the reality of the situation needs to be examined.

    I cry my sad tears into a river of Shut the Fuck Up.

  5. We had a fire at work. No one died, or was injured and nothing was even destroyed but we have no A/C until the repair guy gets here (Which is who knows when), and then the big *if* he can actually fix it. This is Florida in July; Hot is an understatement.

    So yeah, it’s really hot

  6. On a non-dog related note, there was a big rally this weekend not far from my home… a big redneck rally for redneck pride over a redneck flag for redneck reasons that somehow seem worthwhile to said rednecks. (Really Evan, your parents are from Rhode Island) This interrupted my commute for Indian food. Not amused, rednecks. Not amused. In all seriousness though, is the fact that the flag is offensive news to people? I was pretty sure we all knew that already, like how the sky is blue or that sinkholes are bad. You can’t throw up a swastika wielding garden gnome and say you’re embracing this symbol of good luck from your Eurasian ancestors without being considered an asshole. I’m all for pointing out the obvious (Just ask my friends) but in this case I’m a little annoyed by the distraction of it all. The flag, while an issue, does not actually address any of the problems, circumstances or entitlements that allow for these tragedies to happen time after time. It’s all depressing and tragic and it never changes. What’s wrong with us?

    Just when I’m selling the damn house.

  7. Lastly, if you think a young adult high energy herding breed is “just going through a phase” when it gets ten minutes of play training a day and trashing all your shit out of boredom but crating is mean and you didn’t get a dog to crate it and it’ll be fine haters!… just get the fuck out. Just go. Go. Shoo. Away with thee. Except before you do, tell me where you’re going to hang out your newly minted “professional trainer” shingle, so I can move there and fix all the shit you fuck up beyond all reason for profit and let’s be honest… funsies.


I could go on, but that’s all I’ve got for you today kids. Hopefully I’ll be back to our regularly scheduled bitchery sooner rather than later but until then, happy trails and happier tails.

20 Responses to “GoFundYourself: Moving, Rednecks, and other updates in the life of Fang.”

  1. kalilu July 13, 2015 at 5:39 pm #

    Good luck! Thanks for the rant. It was good to hear.

  2. CrazyFunDogs July 13, 2015 at 6:07 pm #

    Made my Monday. Good luck moving. And I think I Facebook-know who is watching your dog! If it is who I think it is, I would LOVE to have one of her ACDs someday.

    • TheDogSnobs July 14, 2015 at 11:46 pm #

      Possible? And they’re pretty great but I am biased.

  3. Paula Lawrence-Brown July 13, 2015 at 6:11 pm #

    I’m stealing ‘Bitchtasticness’- best new word I’ve heard in months!

  4. Kristina G (@RayvenMoon) July 13, 2015 at 6:34 pm #

    #4 so much. I saw an article about that pup and immediately went, “Why? Why do people need to force a painful life on an animal just to feel better about themselves?” Sure he’s cute, but looking at long term impact I’d have put him down. And if I had decided to keep him alive for the time being in no way would I expect others to shell out for his care.

  5. Pamlin July 13, 2015 at 7:12 pm #

    THANK YOU!!! EVERY SINGLE POINT on this post has made me think “Thank god! I’m not the only one who feels this way!!” The douchenozzles who don’t understand “quality of life” vs. “I’m so awesome for ‘saving’ this animal and can validate my awesomeness via viral interwebs and therefore am validated in asking everyone else to pay for my awesome savior superioritiness!”

    Speaking of new levels of stupidity, have you seen the “new, designer, easy to train Shepinois?” It is totally its own rant.

    Yeah, I have a whole cannister of compressed whooparse to offload on these eejits. Thank you for making me feel less alone!

    • Mel Carlin July 14, 2015 at 1:14 am #


    • Carlyandthefurkids July 20, 2015 at 1:13 am #

      Sadly you see this all the time in the “rescue” world. Let’s spend thousands of dollars on a “shitty” animal when other decent animals have to be put down. Think of the publicity saving little broken never live a full life puppy will be. Oh and when someone adopts it…would insurance cover it or is there a millionaire sitting around waiting for a hopeless cause to throw money at? I’ve been told I’m heartless…whereas I like to think I’m a realist.

      So yes…you are not alone.

      • pommom101690 July 23, 2015 at 5:09 pm #

        I do think the discussion about it being a waste of money though, like I have often heard, is a moot point. Let’s be real. I think $18000 was donated for this dog in question. I keep hearing how that money could have helped so many other dogs. Would it have, though? I mean the fact is that all these people who donated, they donated because it’s a really unfortunate case. I really don’t think they would have donated to a healthy-ish animal. Yeah, that sucks, like a lot, but without the dog, the money would never have been donated, so it would have never been available to other animals

      • TheDogSnobs July 23, 2015 at 5:10 pm #

        It was well over 30k when I last checked when you start adding together the 3-5 different fundraising sites.

      • pommom101690 July 28, 2015 at 2:48 pm #

        I saw $18,000 at one point, but that could have very well changed. The number isn’t really relevant to my point though. My point is that the money in question probably wouldn’t have been donated for a dog that just needed vaccinations or something simple, so it’s not fair to say that the money could have been spent to save hundreds of animals. You can’t spend money that isn’t there, and I don’t think it would be there without this puppy.

  6. AgileK9 July 13, 2015 at 8:34 pm #

    #7 I know exactly what you are talking about as I said something similar on that same post. As did many others. Sadly we didn’t even get a dramatic flounce from the “professional trainer” OP. All your other points, completely agree with as well. Good luck surviving your move!

    • TheDogSnobs July 14, 2015 at 11:39 pm #

      She was just a delight, wasn’t she? Oh well.

  7. Jan Williams July 13, 2015 at 9:04 pm #

    I was going to write a post about that hapless English Bulldog puppy who is going to die soon anyway after some assholes work on our guilt to keep him alive. But I’m vulnerable now and if someone would comment telling me how mean I am, I would go over the edge. That and supposably.

  8. cheryl kelly July 14, 2015 at 11:54 am #

    #1 How can you “rescue” a dog without money, open an online auction to pay for transport & also do the same thing every time a dog gets sick! What the F@$k is wrong with people, don’t release the darn dog and don’t adopt if you can’t afford it. I can’t stand the Fund Me crap any more………. Well, okay…. so anyone want to fund me for a trip to Napa? I’m out of wine.

    • cheryl kelly July 14, 2015 at 12:24 pm #

      FYI, this rant isn’t so much about the baby bulldog (which is a travesty), but about people adopting dogs that can’t afford it.

  9. Rob Summerfield July 14, 2015 at 11:13 pm #

    I’d love to say how I agreed with every single word but I’m too busy being offended on behalf of other people who aren’t actually offended because they don’t know why they ought to offended in a chin wobbling, bosom heaving Angry of Tunbridge Wells sort of way…… 😉

  10. Eric James D July 15, 2015 at 5:35 pm #

    I decided to open a new tab and check out the animals gofundme page just to see what I would wonder upon and lo and behold… I don’t even make it through the first page before I see someone with a puppy they just got from Petland that (SURPRISE!!!) is having major medical issues, and they’re looking for people to fund their poor decision. STAHP my brain can’t handle this much stoopid all at once.

    • Eric James D July 15, 2015 at 5:37 pm #

      These people also used the term “adopt” for a dog they most definitely bought. From a store. With money.

  11. Love My Mal July 16, 2015 at 7:11 pm #

    Thanks for today’s chuckle. Haven’t been on your site for a while so lots of catching up to do. I never get tired of re-reading your breed profile on the crazy, lovable Mal.
    Good luck with the move.

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