Just Don’t Call Me Late For Dinner; or Your dog can’t actually speak English, ya dumbass.

20 Oct

Show of hands if you’ve ever called your dog an asshole.  Or a fucker.  Or any other particularly colorful name that you’ve seen us use here on this blog.

*waves hands in the air like we just don’t care*

For those of you that didn’t raise your hands, either you are lying or you have perfect dogs.  In which case you’re still lying.

For those of you that raised your hands, welcome to the club.  We feel you.  We get you.  You’re our people.  And by our people, we mean our foul-mouthed minions.

If you are someone who thinks that calling your dog an asshole makes you an ever bigger asshole, may we suggest getting your panties out of a wad?

Here’s the thing.  We can love our dogs and still refer to them as shitweasels.   We can even joke about rehoming our dogs and still love them. Potnoodle tries to give her dogs away constantly (turns out no one else wants the assholes either.)  While this may seem like common sense to those of you who are rational and/or have a sense of humor, you’d be surprised how many uptight people get upset on various dog forums or personal Facebook pages when they see dogs referred to as anything other than a precious furbaby.  BusyBee recently received a nasty Facebook message from a “friend” who was upset that she referred to her dog as “the worst”.   Seriously.    No lady, you’re the actual worst.

Before one of you (who probably shouldn’t be on our page in the first place) says, “But Dog Snobs,  isn’t it a slippery slope from calling your dog an assmarmot to abusing them?” all we can do is roll our eyes and tell you to relax.  We assure that our dogs are pretty much the opposite of abused, even if they do occasionally get called things that would make our grandmothers blush.

Here’s the thing. Dogs give zero fucks about what they’re called. Tone of voice? yes. That they care about. Jokingly referring to your dog as a dumbass on the internet? Nope. They’re not going to pick that up. We see you over there, wringing your hands, clutching your pearls, and blathering on about building a relationship. We hear you, we just don’t think calling our dogs a Ratbag has any bearing on the relationship.

Dog ownership isn’t all sunshine and roses. The smiliest, happiest dog owner can continue to bottle it in, smile and call Pookie their furbaby all day long but one day, at three in the morning, Pookie is going to paint her crate with the foulest diarrhea that has ever existed and Ms.Happyfuntimes is going to have to explode. It happens. You realize it isn’t the dog’s fault but you still call them Shittageddon as you magic erase all your hopes and dreams off the wall.

But when it does….

32 Responses to “Just Don’t Call Me Late For Dinner; or Your dog can’t actually speak English, ya dumbass.”

  1. Julia October 20, 2015 at 12:31 am #

    My precious little 8 month old baby boy is a huge dick a lot of the time and I’m the first one to admit it. Cute little baby… giant dickhole.

  2. Michele October 20, 2015 at 12:41 am #

    I have referred to my Pembroke Welsh Corgi male as Mr. Dickhead so often it is now auto-suggested when I type “D.”

  3. Stephanie Govin-Matzat October 20, 2015 at 12:41 am #

    It’s all about your tone of voice. Not to mention some of us have to be profane for those who aren’t but would like to be.

  4. Marcia Bishoff October 20, 2015 at 1:02 am #

    I have horses, so of course I swear. But “assmarmot”? Hahahahahaha

    • tonyamichelle81 October 20, 2015 at 1:11 am #

      I loved that one too. My goal is to work it into a conversation this week. That and shitweasel.

      • Virginia Gilmore October 20, 2015 at 4:08 pm #

        Some of my most favorite new words/descriptives have come from this blog. Assmarmot, twatwaffle, and now shitweasel and ratbag! I thought I had some pretty colorful language (late husband was a retired firefighter and Marine) but even he wasn’t this creative. And yes, I’ve been known to call my dogs all sorts of “endearments”.

    • Australian October 23, 2015 at 9:18 am #

      I try not to swear when I’m training my horses (if I get into a habit, some people that see me work with them might get upset) but honestly, I think I’ve called my horse ‘bugger’ so often he responds to it better than his real name.

  5. cyndi October 20, 2015 at 1:25 am #

    Stumpy would be embarrassed for both of us if I called her my fur baby.

    She thinks all those other names are wonderful. As long as I’m calling her something she knows she hasn’t been loft behind and she’s not going to starve.

    I still can’t tell if I hurt her feelings when I tell her I’m getting a real dog, one day soon.

  6. Amy October 20, 2015 at 1:33 am #

    I once shared a funny post from some dog-shaming website….only to be chastised and told that dog-shaming was mean and that I should, instead, look for opportunities for dog-FAMING. My head exploded.

  7. Faye Bunny October 20, 2015 at 2:39 am #

    I work with dogs and OFTEN sympathize with new puppy owners saying “welp, they don’t grow their ‘dog brain’ until they’re about 2…so until then you have to remember that you got them because they’re cute, and MAYBE SOME DAY if you’re lucky they’ll be ‘normal’, in the meantime, do the best you can and try not to throw them out a window.” hell, my dog is almost 5 and at 35lbs everyone thinks she’s a puppy- I say “nah, she’s just ‘trial sized’ and if she’s bad I get to send her back to Puerto Rico.”

    • Juli Goodrich October 20, 2015 at 4:33 pm #

      I housetrained my 14 year old dog, when she was 6 weeks old, by throwing her out a window.

      Our bed was right under a ground floor window, and when she would wake up in the middle of the night, we’d just open the window and put her out. Still one of the fastest housetrainings ever. 😉 When she was done, she’d paw at the window, we’d bring her back in and all go right back to sleep.

    • Diane October 21, 2015 at 1:30 am #

      It’s well known among IW owners that the brain fairy visits at two years old. But that refers to bitches. With dogs, all bets are off.

      • Sarah October 23, 2015 at 1:40 am #

        With dogs I’ve always heard you can run 1 OBM at a time. Keep the nuts amd run the Optional Breeding Module or neuter and attempt to install the Optional Brain Module.

        RReasons why I love my bitches.

  8. Kim McNeill October 20, 2015 at 2:56 am #

    I never called my dog an a*hole, but i did have a dog I used to call an SOB on a regular basis. Technically, it was a correct term. 😉

  9. Saoirse October 20, 2015 at 3:01 am #

    I love my puppy more than anything, but he is still a little shit sometimes so he needs to be reminded that I paid good money for him so I AM allowed to pat him WITHOUT being bitten, and people need to accept that I am not going to call him ‘my darling’ right after having a massive burst of diarrhea on my carpet. Bless his soul.

  10. Mel Carlin October 20, 2015 at 3:11 am #

    Frikkie AKA “The Flying Weenie” (and I don’t mean that in a Dachshund, wimp, or saussage on a bun kind of way) says “assmarmot” is a GIANTstep over the line… Moron-asshole is the limit for him 😉

  11. Gina October 20, 2015 at 3:44 am #

    I’ve called my dog a little shit so many times that she’ll respond to Little Shit just as well as her actual name. Wags her tail and all that jazz. Of course, the moment I say it in an angry voice, she thinks she’s done something horribly wrong.

  12. Kitten October 20, 2015 at 12:40 pm #

    In a group class, my young dog was super jacked after doing a great job and “a little out of control” so he alligator chomped my treat hand fingers. I loudly yelled “You motherfucker!” before I even thought about it. I can only imagine what those people think I do at home, but honestly? Draw blood, you’re an MF SOB.

    • Sespeausi December 6, 2015 at 6:25 am #

      This made me laugh out loud. For real. Thanks!

  13. AD October 20, 2015 at 4:13 pm #

    I had someone ask me very seriously and very innocently if I use any cute nicknames for my dog. HA! Dipshit is the most common.

  14. Juli Goodrich October 20, 2015 at 4:29 pm #

    OMG I love this. I used to tell my resource guarding, food aggro, rude bitch but cute, dog that I was going to cut off all her toenails and stuff them up her nose. I told her this in front of a crowd and occasionally it’s still mentioned. She remained unfazed, and delighted that I was looking at her and making noises, she’s only ever reacted with fear when I roared at her, which pretty much only happens when I think she’s going to kill someone.

    She’s been told a million times that we’d sell her, but they’d give her back. She’s a beggar, too, so she gets told to fuck off at least twice per meal if she’s not crated.

    My boy is told constantly that we’re going to cut off his tail. He’s also quite fond of being told he’s thiiiiiiiis close to being too stupid to live.

    When we spayed our eldest dog early, we told everyone who acted funny about it that my MIL had the ugliest schnauzer mix ever, and we wouldn’t have been able to pay people to take those puppies. (I had always planned to have her fixed, just expedited the plan by a couple months, when the little horndog started sniffing around her, and I realized I couldn’t trust them to keep the dogs separated).

    My sister’s dog spent an entire day (in public) being referred to as jr. asshole, douchenozzle, and twatrocket, as he was acting like a chihuahua stereotype. (He’s part chihuahua, and living up to your racial stereotype is never good.)

  15. pinksporechan October 21, 2015 at 12:22 am #

    I routinely refer to my chihuahua as useless, ornamental, and dumb because he is motivated solely by baskets of warm laundry fresh from the dryer and would happily starve to death in snuggly bliss. I used to think if a chihuahua was treated like a real dog, they would be a real dog. I have met and fostered chihuahuas that were real dogs. Mine is not a real dog. He’s basically a Barbie doll with stupid ears. I’m beginning to suspect he could actually be some type of fancy lizard because I can’t keep weight on him without providing an external source of heat. I freely admit that I am unwilling to put in the time/effort/creativity to train him when I could be teaching my genius cattledogs to read or do algebra. For some reason this offends people horribly and makes them call my fitness as a chihuahua owner into question while ignoring the fact that I provide him with a heated bed on the couch, let him sleep under the covers with me, knit him ridiculous sweaters, cook for him and take him to Taco Bell in a desperate attempt to get him to eat, etc.

  16. Diane October 21, 2015 at 1:35 am #

    At training class, my 8 month old answers to “Meathead.” At home, he thinks his name is “Leave the Cat Alone” although now that he and the greyhound have started playing with each other, they both think their name is “Not In The House.”

  17. Jennifer October 21, 2015 at 2:49 am #

    My bitch responds to Asshole and Bitchqueen faster than she responds to her name. My boyfriend knows exactly who I mean when I refer to “the Asshole.”

    See also, your red headed step shithead. His automatic response is “where did she pee now?”

    Every time I call her a dirty word, it just makes her day. Her whole body wags. Even when I tell her she’s a completely retarded fuckface.

  18. Pam October 21, 2015 at 5:15 pm #

    Bahaha!!! My beloved first full-blooded Basenji’s most frequently used nickname was Butthead & I once threatened to turn him into landfill (in as sweet & syrupy a voice as possible, of course) after he had committed a particularly heinous crime.

  19. Ruth October 23, 2015 at 1:25 pm #

    Hah, both my dogs think “Pain in the BUTT” is their name…..

    Seriously though, I’d not use a dog’s lack of understanding of profanity (as a bad thing) to prove they can’t understand English, many folks who learn English as a 2nd language as teens or adults have the same problem.

  20. Paul October 25, 2015 at 7:17 pm #

    I’m of the older generation so perhaps not given to profanity as some people. But I also have fairly big, incredibly strong pups. I would never be abusive with them but they do need to know I’m in charge at all times. This is for their safety as well as anyone around us.
    That being said, if they put themselves in an incredibly stupid situation-busting out of the front door to confront a young man walking his Husky-I will swear like a sailor…and you should see the look of fear with tone alone. They drop their heads and obey.
    Otherwise they get spoiled silly.

  21. Carlyandthefurkids October 27, 2015 at 2:30 am #

    All my furkids get called names…usually something like stinker, little shit or shithead and I constantly threaten to wood chipper them. Releases frustration.

  22. Eric James D October 28, 2015 at 3:06 pm #

    I threaten to turn my mutts into rugs/hats a few times a week.

  23. Dee October 30, 2015 at 11:33 pm #

    Ahh, my dog possibly had the longest list of alternate names at the obedience club – even the instructor called him doofus on a semi regular basis. He could be brilliant or he could do the exact opposite of what you asked. Young Rhodesian Ridgebacks are so much fun to train. In a pleasant tone of voice, when he had done as told, I would call him every name I could think of that was not profane (children present). He’s now a pretty well behaved 2 year old dog, but still gets called names.

  24. kittylitter November 8, 2015 at 6:06 am #

    “You’re the reason they eat dogs in china”

  25. TaggarungAk May 27, 2016 at 11:47 am #

    To my corgi(s) “you are the reason the geese fly south, ya filthy animals”

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