A dick by any other name: BusyBee’s latest annoyance

7 Apr

Me:  Hey, I’m so sorry that my dog was a dick this morning.

Neighbor: Did you just call your dog a dick?

Me:  You don’t?

Neighbor:  No. That’s not very nice.

Really?  You think calling my dog a dick isn’t nice?  Well it’s a good thing she didn’t hear some of the other things I’ve called him recently.  One of the things I am most proud of is my vast knowledge colorful insults.  I’m pretty sure I’ve called my dog a twatwaffle or an assmarmot at least a few times in the last few months.

Dogs have been killed for less than this.

Here’s the thing.  I love my dog.  I really do.  Just ask my Facebook friends who have to see at least 30 gazillion photos of him per week (and yes, those pictures of him sleeping aren’t all the same, I swear). But that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t sometimes act like a dick.  And as his (loving) owner, I reserve the right to call it as I see it.  The names I call him really have no bearing on my love for him.   And beyond that, guess what?…he doesn’t understand that I am calling him a phallus and he certainly doesn’t know what a marmot is.

Just a pir-marmot.  Nothing see here.

Referring to my dog as an asshole or dick in conversation isn’t going to traumatize him or impact our relationship, I promise.  I can pretty much guarantee that people have done worse things to their dogs than calling them a cockmuppet (you’re welcome for that new vocabulary word).


Kermit gives no fucks.  Sorry, Jim Henson.

So the next time you hear someone telling their dog that that their mother was a hamster and their father smells of elderberries, please don’t don’t get your panties (yes, I used that word. That is an entirely different issue for an entirely different blog) in a twist.

9 Responses to “A dick by any other name: BusyBee’s latest annoyance”

  1. LyndaScho April 7, 2017 at 7:44 pm #

    I actually saw a poster on FB object to someone referring to his female dog as a bitch a while back. Thought they must be kidding,but nope, she was totally serious.

  2. actualconversationswithmyhusband April 7, 2017 at 8:50 pm #

    I lovingly refer to one of our cats as “Fatass.” (He answers to it.) Our dogs will answer to their names, but also come happily when I call for “worthless fucking mutts” so I doubt I’m damaging any fragile psyches.

  3. KDKH April 7, 2017 at 9:00 pm #

    Funny, I’ve often told my terrier to not be such a dick. Never thought anything about it. I would say the same thing to my husband when necessary. Love them both, but sometimes they need an awakening!

  4. Jan williams April 7, 2017 at 10:06 pm #

    Some people get their bloomers in a bunch over Dog Shaming. Like the dog reads what is posted there.

  5. Linda Zaworski April 7, 2017 at 10:43 pm #

    We, too, have a dick. Actually, I usually call him an asshole. But as I tell my friends who look askance byat that, he is OUR asshole.

  6. Linda Zaworski April 7, 2017 at 10:45 pm #

    We, too, have a dick. Actually, I usually call him an asshole. But as I tell my friends who look askance at that, he is OUR asshole.

  7. Assegai Rhodesian Ridgebacks April 8, 2017 at 12:03 am #

    I often greet my 3 year old intact male Ridge back with the following salutation: “Hiya Jerk Face” largely because, well, a good portion of the time, he IS a jerk-face – it kinda comes with the age (and the testicles).

  8. hexebitch April 8, 2017 at 12:28 am #

    Um…are you sure your neighbor wasn’t just pointing out that polite conversation between neighbors, unless they’re good friends, usually doesn’t include offensive language like ‘dick’, ‘asshole’, etc.? I mean, I swear like a sailor when the situation and place are appropriate, but I don’t speak like that at work, or in the grocery store.

    • Jayelle April 10, 2017 at 5:19 am #

      Unless she is, in fact, the real Miss Manners, that’s also not her place to point out, for the record.

      Would “jerk” possibly have been more socially appropriate? Maybe. But at least she didn’t say “hey, sorry my dog was such a fucking douchecanoe. He’s a real bitch sometimes.”

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