Archive | Confessions RSS feed for this section

Welcome Aboard or How Long Till We Move To A Mini-van?

27 Aug

We’ve come to a sad realization here at The Dog Snobs.   What is it you ask?  Well, we’re fairly certain that we have are essentially glorified “cruise directors” for our dogs.    While we don’t smile nearly as much as cruise directors, nor do we have that crazy desperate look in our eyes (we hope) and a name like “Dan, Dan the Fun Times Man”, we do spend a good amount of our time catering to our dogs needs.  Between shuttling them around to various activities, planning excursions, and making sure that they keep busy and happy, we’re pretty sure they’re controlling our lives.

She’s us with bigger hair and a creepier smile.

Perhaps it would be more fair to compare ourselves to Soccer Moms, but god help us if we ever get those stick figure families on the back of our car.  If you ever see us driving around in a minivan adorned with those stickers, you have full permission to mock us.  Endlessly. And publicly.

Mind you, we enjoy doing so many activities with our dogs (and it’s not as if our dogs are demanding we take them to ten different classes a week), but we do wonder if it’s normal how much time we spend shuttling them around. An hour and a half to this class, two hours to that one. Forty five minutes to pick up that one special food they can have, thirty to take them to that park where people don’t side eye you for dropping the leash. It’s getting out of hand. At least cruise directors get tipped.  What do we get?  The joy of a dog that may or may not vomit in our shoes and the joy of filling up yet another tank of gas.

All this being said, do we plan to cut back anytime soon?  Nope.  We just heard there’s a new class being offered 45 minutes away….

We’ll be meeting at 4 on the Lido deck

*Anyone else feel the same way as us?  Does another job description fit you better?  We want to hear, so share below*

Dog Economics: a.k.a. Why I need to delay painting my cardboard box until next summer.

9 Aug

It may surprise you to learn this but things do in fact cost money.

I know Don. We were confused too.

Some things that cost a weird amount of money? Dogs. Even that free puppy* from a fellow Dog Snob will still cost you thousands upon thousands of dollars in the long run or if you’re unlucky, in the short run too.

“They see me rollin’. They hatin'”

You may think you’ve budgeted for dog basics (food, routine vet care, etc), but in case you didn’t know, shit happens.  And in the dog world, shit happening is usually quite expensive.

We’ll need to repeat the calm part.

Have a dog with absurd allergies (we’re looking at you Mr. T), prepare to spend way more than you ever thought buying organic goat meat for raw feeding.


Have a dog with behavior problems? Better save up for that behaviorist, which have initial consultations often starting around $200.

First question: Is the head spinning all the way around normal? Second: will he just grow out of it?

Feel like taking a fun class with your dog?  Get out your credit card.

One more class and sloth is going to need to make some room.

Want to compete? Pfft.

We don’t go to compete…

Does your dog have a touchy stomach?  Prepare to sell your first born child to the vet to cover your bills.

The budget will never be that tight… maybe.

Oh yeah, and if you live in a major city?   Be prepared to pay even more for basic services than your friends in small towns.

She got me throwin’ my money around.

According to a few sites we found, including this one, the average amount spent on dogs yearly is between $580 to $875.  Um…what?  Did they mean per month? Every three months?  No?  Well then… we feel silly.  The only way this makes sense to us is that there are a whole lot of “zeros” averaged in there to skew the average.  The three of us only wish that our yearly average was anywhere in that range.

All of it… on your dog. Do it now.

Back to that competition thing and our noises of derision…Want to compete with your dogs?  Oh dear. Better take out a loan.Conformation is it’s own little realm of poor long-term financial decisions. Chalk is surprisingly expensive, after-all kids..

Is it really cheating if everyone does it?

But… let’s take a look at Obedience because it’s something we know a bit about. We’ll start with the absolute basics for the average novice competitor for a year (or something like that because we’re not all that scientific. Fang did most of these estimates, is painfully cheap and in a cheap area so Busybee nearly had a stroke reading the prices)

Dog: We’re going to assume the dogs are bionic, indestructible and able to survive without food.

Probably the cheapest pet you’ll ever have.

Classes: $80 per 8 weeks. 6 Sessions a year (48/52 weeks approx) so $480 per year for the minor-keener. If you want to train with an expensive trainer or you live in ‘not the sticks’ it goes into price brackets we don’t like to think about (and that BusyBee would rather not talk about because it might make her wallet weep more than it already does).

They can shake in the corner from trauma though. Documented fact.

Floor Time: Live somewhere with shitty weather? We do! So the indoor space with actual floors is a godsend, but it’s not a free godsend. $3 if you’re willing to share but if you want the whole space, $20 an hour.

You’d think it would be this special but it’s not.

Training Equipment: Think your old collar will work? Ha! We could tell you’re new! $350 in a year seems like a lot until you begin to add things up. Utility articles, dumbbells (Try 3 when the first two don’t fit), leashes, collars, tugs, balls, long-lines, crates**, treats, PVC (The miracle plastic) and the list goes on. This isn’t even including anything special. We’re talking bare bones basics here. The good news is, it’s all reusable… at least until you have a dog of a different size…. *sigh*

A metric fuck-ton of stuff. Not to be confused with a fuck-ton which is about 204 fucks less.

Trialing: Entry fees start at $20, if you’re in a cheap area. Averages in other areas are in the $22-28 range. Gas, lodging, food, parking (Conformation shows charge for parking and it’s never cheap.), emergency fund that is inevitably spent in concessions at any large trial. There are also those optional titling classes which are oh so tempting to add to our alphabets, and the Wildcard classes where you can train in the ring (sort of, not really, don’t shoot me.).

That’s one way to enter all the classes. Cloning!

Miscellaneous: Rule books, books in general, notebooks, seminars, videos, mental acuity training (Don’t laugh it’s real), Fun Days, Show-and-go’s, Match Shows, Buddy Training, Petco because when you train in their stores they’ll give you dirty looks if you don’t buy *something*.

And the kitchen sink… in case you didn’t get that by the picture.

For a dog to finish a UD (Essentially the last of the basic stream obedience titles as the rest require multiple classes to qualify for), it must be shown at least 9 times with qualifying scores. That’s 9 times where nothing goes wrong enough to have issues. Assuming the trial is literally down the road, you have a perfect run and you never need to spend money a CD to a UD has an opening price range of $200-300. Utility is called Futility for a reason. Some people can do it in 9. Most people do it in many many more.

But at least the bar has been set a little lower

UDX requires qualifying in two classes in a single trial, 10 separate times. The nice part is they charge you a little bit less for two classes. It’s still $30+ but it’s better than $50. A single UDX is therefore about another $300.

OM/OGM/OTCh titles increase those numbers exponentially and we do mean exponentially.

Depressed yet? We are! And they say obedience competitors are cheap…

Fake it ’til you make it.

On the bright side you can sometimes win money, assuming you’re the best that day. If you’re lucky your entry fee is covered. If you’re not lucky, you get a handmade piece of braided polar fleece to be destroyed in under 38 seconds. Why do we do this again?


So what is the moral of the story?  Dogs are expensive.  Doing things with your dogs is even more expensive.  Why aren’t they allowed to be claimed as dependents on tax forms??

We could get behind a drool-tax ‘cuz that’s just gross.

*Potnoodle’s got foster puppies and somehow Fang may wind up with one. Because four dogs aren’t enough apparently.

**Fang has two of the Noz2Noz crates which are lovely and great and Z has destroyed both and the cheap emergency replacement. She now goes everywhere in the metal pet crate. She is why we can’t have nice things.

But that blue one is a destroyed crate and the idiot sticking out is Z.

The Vegetarian Raw-Feeder Conundrum

21 May

Of the three Dog Snobs, both BusyBee and Potnoodle are vegetarian.  Both also happen to feed their dogs raw.  In today’s entry, we discuss what it’s like being a vegetarian who is frequently elbow deep in animal carcass.

BusyBee:  As a nearly lifelong vegetarian, if you had told me before Mr. T that I would be feeding my dog a raw diet, I would have laughed in your face….and probably shuddered just thinking about it.   As a kid, I wouldn’t even touch the dinner plates after a meal if meat had been on them (ok fine, maybe it was partially a ploy to get out of doing the dishes), but I seriously was grossed out even thinking about or seeing meat.   When I got Mr. T, we started on a high quality kibble and although he seemingly enjoyed it, it became evident over time that he was having some pretty bad reactions to the food he was eating.  After over a year of constant vet visits for sores, rashes, UTIs, and hair loss (not to mention wicked dog farts), I finally took the plunge and started raw.  I had it in my mind that I would just give him pre-made patties because that wouldn’t require me actually handling the meat.  What I hadn’t planned on was how into meal planning I would actually get, so less than a month after starting raw, I found myself trolling the internet looking for whole animals, joining a local raw feeder co-op, and breaking down his meals in my kitchen sink.  My parents still can’t believe I’m doing this, and quite frankly, neither can I.


Potnoodle: Meat is weird. We can all agree on that right? I mean… why is gnawing on connective tissue considered a normal thing to do? Unfortunately, for dogs, it is a normal (species appropriate) thing to do. Because of this, I’ve been chopping up deer bits in my backyard for longer than I care to think of. I bag up kidney and tripe and nothing nice like it is my job. I get really into planning it out and I have the highscore at freezer tetris. I buy goat on the hoof and butcher it myself, all in my backyard (though I let other people handle the actual killing…) All because my first poodle has bad teeth. That’s right… no gastrointestinal issues caused the switch. My dogs had great coat on a high quality grain free diet. It’s all about the teeth for me, though of course there have been secondary improvements. I have no plans of going back, I’ll be covered in various bloody debris for the rest of my days.


Things We Never Thought We Would Do


1.  Break down whole animals

Seriously.  Gloves on, handling large chunks of raw meat and breaking it down into meal-sized portions.  Who are we?  Why are we doing this?  Tofu never required so much work. Once, Potnoodle made the mistake of answering her door while in the middle of organ bagging day. The good news is, she no longer sees any Jehovah’s Witnesses


With the bulk chicken feet orders, she gets way more Voodoo practitioners though.

2.  Devote an entire freezer to raw meat

Prior to dogs, our freezers were full of Morningstar Farms veggie products and ice cream.  Now, they resemble carefully stocked meat lockers.   BusyBee still gets a little weirded out whenever she opens her freezer and sees little bunny foo foo peering back at her.  Potnoodle wasn’t joking about having the high score at freezer tetris, it truly is an art and not one she feels should be taken for granted.

Like this with the added challenge of ziploc.

3.  Casually watch our dogs devour their raw

Watching a dog go to town on a whole rabbit is quite a sight, and frankly one that we never thought we would be ok doing.  However, it really doesn’t even faze us anymore, so much so that the other day BusyBee traumatized a neighbor who came over to say “hi” and caught Mr. T with bunny feet literally dangling from his mouth.  While the neighbor gagged and probably flashed back to Thumper from Bambi, BusyBee wasn’t even disturbed.


We call it the Disney Diet

4. Examine our dog’s poop with such interest.

On kibble, it can basically be taken for granted that a dog’s poop should look the same day in and day out.  Not so on raw food. Too loose? More bone. Dog constipated? More meat or add some tripe. Weird color? Back off the bone. It’s like working in a CSI lab, minus the murder.


5.Spending more time planning our dog’s menu than our own.

Balance over time, it’s a raw feeding mantra. So often, our dog’s diet is planned weeks ahead. Meanwhile, Potnoodle has been known to eat peanut butter sandwiches for multiple meals a day and BusyBee has failed at every attempt she has made to track her own food intake or plan menus even a few days in advance.

It’s a staple.

Do you feed raw?  Are you a vegetarian?  Share below!

And this is why we can’t have nice things….

27 Apr

We recently put a short and sweet Facebook Status up about dogs preventing us from having nice things, and based on the amazing response we got, we felt this topic was deserving of its very own blog entry.



Nice Thing # 1:  A Fur-Free Existence


I’ve finally accepted that there will always be dog fur on my carpet, on my furniture, on my clothes, on my bathroom floor, my kitchen floor (rolling like tumbleweeds), in the lint trap in the clothes dryer, on the back of the toilet where it apparently falls off my clothes, in my car, and  in my mouth (bleccchh, pffffft, ptooie).  I’m also pretty sure Mr. T’s fur has also made several international trips (Somewhere in Tokyo, someone is eating sushi with a side of Mr. T fur).   It’s not that I don’t try to keep up with it, I do.  I even invested in a ridiculously expensive pet hair vacuum and other hair-catching tools, but nothing does the trick.  Porcupine quills have less staying power. Mr. T has the perfect length and texture fur to weave it’s way into everything and hold on for dear life.  His fur is like an unwanted houseguest..who messes up shit, stays longer than they should,  and doesn’t pay rent.


I’m going to be another week or two, or at least until I get my shit together. Also, I used your toothbrush.

Nice Thing # 2:  A Boyfriend


I call Mr. T the love of my life.  That’s probably not helping in the dating department.   Neither is sharing a bed with him.  And certainly talking (fine, singing) to him on a regular basis isn’t helping my case either.  And finally, like many dog owners, I have a “dog walking wardrobe” that I put on when I am heading out with Mr. T.  These are clothes that are practical and that I don’t mind getting wet, muddy, or hairy (see Nice Thing #1).  I was feeling quite ok about my dog clothes until my mom came to visit and told me I looked like a homeless person.  When I told her that I really didn’t care how I looked when I was taking Mr. T on two hour walks, she looked at me with all seriousness and said, “Maybe you should.”  I thought it was just my mom being, well, a mom, so I blew it off.  Not long after,l a male neighbor saw me heading to work and literally said “Wow, you are wearing real clothes!”  Um yeah…maybe it’s time I realize that what makes for practical dog-walking clothes may not be the most attractive or alluring to men.  And if you think this act of public shaming has changed the way I head outside with my dog…you’d be wrong. I keep holding out hope that there must be reasonably attractive single men in their 30s who are attracted to dog-obsessed, song-singing, dog-fur covered, yoga pant wearing women, right?  RIGHT?! Sigh.


Soooo not what I meant.

Nice Thing # 3:  Sleep


When I first got Mr. T, I had this (naive) idea that we would be snuggle buddies and sleep peacefully side-by-side and wake up refreshed and happy in the morning.  Sadly, I was mistaken, as I have been cursed with a “morning dog”.  Seriously, this dog does not understand the concept of sleeping past 6 am.   As much as I love him, every time I see his smiling face before 7 am (especially on a weekend), I resort to calling him names and grumbling expletives.  I swear sometimes he wakes me up and doesn’t even want anything other than to tell me how much he’s missed me, despite having spent all night literally suffocating me (Note to Mr. T:  While I am glad you are comfortable, having 75 pounds of dog sleeping on my head doesn’t exactly work for me.)  If my calculations are correct, he owes me roughly 8,942 hours of sleep.


Replace that leg with his head and that sleeping person with a squinty-eyed rage beast and it’s accurate. 



Nice Thing #1: A Not-Embarrassing Wardrobe.


I am not exactly a fashionista, but pre-dogs I wasn’t exactly a slob either. While I own a fair selection of hoodies and jeans, they were interspersed with skirts, nice shirts, and occasionally a dress. My dogs, however, have no such appreciation. In the past year alone I’ve lost 5 pockets, one knee, and several hems to dog antics/poaching and my budget can’t take much more.


That Bastard shrunk it in the dryer. I knew I shouldn’t have let him browse at Saks.

Nice Thing #2: A Clean Car


I admit it. My car is a mess. What was once a beautiful Subaru is now a hovel of dog training detritus and the wrappers from treats, both human and canine. I spend a lot of time in the car with the dogs, and I mean a lot. Between work, training, classes, and just plain old errand running, it’s always full of something and rarely is that something you want. I am actually embarrassed to take it to the dealer. I can feel the judgment and I don’t have the big-ass Malinois in the back to frighten off commentary.


“Yes it is a Panda Express Wrapper, racist! I was hungry! It was late! I was busy! Fuck off!”

Nice Thing #3: The Ability to Talk to People


Really it’s more the ability to not talk to people like they’re one of my dogs, and talk may be generous. A typical meeting with me since dog ownership has turned from a somewhat stilted but at least normal conversational to what I could only describe as demented charades with some imperatives thrown in for good measure. It’s never more obvious than interacting with my friend’s little boy. He’s three, adorable, and smart yet somehow I acquire the same tone as I do with Z. It’s identical to the point of being commented on… frequently. Whoops. I suppose I could defend it in saying that good dog training has a lot in common with kid training (I’m sure you call it training.) but… eh. At least I’m consistent?


Braylee! I said Heel!


Nice Thing #1: A Social Life

BusyBee’s boyfriend conundrum aside, I’d settle for just a decent social life. I’m a soon-to-be college senior and the amount of time I spend partying is… nothing. I don’t go out to bars with friends very often because I’m at home, tending my dogs. When not at home with them, I’m at work (tending dogs that are not mine) so that I can pay to support their expensive hobbies. Weekends at trials, afternoons training… I have no time to hang out with peers. The time I do have is spent talking to other dog people, mostly online.

Woo hoo! Crazy Weekend!

Nice Thing #2: Money

From the freezer I bought just for my dogs to the thirty plus collars to trial weekends… I invest a lot of cash in to my dogs. Add vet bills to all that and it gets ridiculous. And to think, I groom my own dogs so at least I don’t have to pay for two standard poodle grooms at least once every six weeks. Of course, I could be cheaper. They probably don’t NEED quite so many collars and there are cheap kibbles out there but what can I say, I have to keep them in the lifestyle they’ve become accustomed to.

Send that back. I wanted my liver RARE! Not medium rare!


Nice Thing #3: Privacy

Pet owners joke about it all the time. Get a dog, never pee alone. Thing is, I LIKE to pee alone. Also shower (I’m looking at you, I. Stop moving the shower curtain while I’m showering.) I’d even be happy taking a nap without a clingy white poodle attached to me. I live in the south, I do not need a living fur blanket. My female poodle is a good girl. She’s happy outside the bathroom, and will leave the door alone. Not so much with my boy. He whines and cries. Eventually he will give up and lay down but then I trip over him when I walk out of the room. I love him, but we’ve reached critical levels of cling.

The varying levels of cling.

Dog ruining your life? We want to know about it!

Doodle Rage: Potnoodle’s own private issues with this ”breed”

22 Apr

I have quite a bit of rage in my heart. Almost  30% of it is dedicated to jaywalkers that I just want to run down in my car, but that’s off topic.

It’s like grand theft auto. In a volvo.

An even greater portion is dedicated to the breeding and breeders of “doodles”.

This is a doodle.

This is why Potnoodle sobs at night.

Honestly, I’m not even one of those people that can take the high road and forgive the dogs of their owner’s folly. They’re gross, they’re dumb, and they’re ugly. And I don’t like the way their mommy dresses them either.


When I worked for a groomer, we had at least one a week come in, mostly goldendoodles, both miniature and standard sized. They usually smelled like ass, often had foreign objects embedded in their pelt, and were invariably named something like Carlton.

It’s not unusual… to be a total fucktard if you own a doodle.

The Owners:

Real Dog People don’t own doodles. Doodle owners sometimes evolve into Real Dog People when they wisen up and go for a rescue or a breeder for their next dog. If a RDP wants a mixed breed, they go for a rescue or perhaps, if they’re a special kind of idiot, a purposeful sport mix.

Probably not this kind of sport dog but close enough.

Most Common Reasons for getting a Doodle.

1. We wanted a hypo-allergenic dog.

There are many, many reasons this is wrong. Most importantly, even actual non- shedding breeds are not hypo-allergenic. That’s right. Every lie every poodle back yard breeder has ever told you is just that– a lie. Sorry.

It’s not so bad… but I can’t reach my butt.

2. We want a dog that doesn’t shed.


Sorry, dumbass,  there’s no guarantee that f1 cross isn’t going to leak hair like an Alaskan Gas line leaks oil. I’d say get a poodle if you want something that doesn’t shed, but I don’t want you besmirching the good name of my breed. Get a stuffed animal, we’ll all sleep better at night.

Get this. We’ll like you if you get this.

3. “We want a dog with the hair of a poodle and the brains of a lab/golden”

No. I can’t even. Just get out. If you’re the sort of person that says that and you read this blog… just stop. We don’t need your views.

109 stones. How’s that lab brain sounding now?

The Dog

Doodles are dumb. Ask any trainer, groomer, or person that has looked at one for more than ten minutes at a dog park. Poodles are incredibly intelligent. Golden Retrievers are smart and very willing to please. Labs are… well labs are labs, but whatever, they’re smarter than doodles. I’m not really sure what happens in that fuckery of gene muddling that doodles are, but it’s bad. They run in to shit. they have no dog/dog manners, and they’re no good at what either breed was bred to do. For science*, I googled “Doodle retrieving ducks” and I got…. nothing. There were a few pics of doodles being the ugly ball of scruff that they are, several of standard poodles retrieving and even a few of Irish water spaniels. Pro tip: those aren’t doodles.

*Science. It works, Bitches.


Got Doodle rage? Got Potnoodle rage because she hates doodles? Feel free to get it all out in the comments.

Stupid Questions DO exist.

20 Apr

One of the things that makes us the most rage-filled here at The Dog Snobs are some of the inane questions that we are repeatedly asked about our own dogs.   These questions range from remarkably stupid to downright offensive.  In this entry, each of us will share our least favorite questions we get asked on a regular basis.





Given the amount of time I spend out and about with Mr. T, it is no wonder that I get asked a lot of questions.  I consider myself a fairly outgoing person and normally don’t mind talking to strangers (I know, I know….something must be wrong with me), but when the questions are dog-related and markedly stupid, it’s all I can do to remain calm.


1.  Given that I own a pitbull mix, I can’t even tell you the number of conversations that I’ve had that go a little something like this….


Ignoramus:  Oh wow, is that a pitbull?

Me:  Yes, a mix.

Ignoramus:  Oh wow, did you rescue him from a fighting ring?

Me:  Nope.

Ignoramus:  I read about Michael Vick online.  Is he like one of those dogs?

Me:  Nope.  Definitely not a former fighting dog.

Ignoramus:  Really?

Me:  Seriously.

Ignoramus:  Oh, then, what is that scar on his nose?

Me:  He crashed into a fence while playing.

Ignoramus: Oh, well what about the big scar on his neck?

Me:  Sigh.  That is from when he got attacked by a Golden Retriever.

Ignoramus:  Wow, if he looks like that, I can only imagine what the Golden looked like.

Me:  Actually, Mr. T didn’t fight back at all…

Ignoramus: But he’s a pitbull….



Variants of this conversation include asking me if I am scared Mr. T will turn on me suddenly (yes, I live in fear) or asking if I know about their lock-jaws and heads-too-small-for-their-brains (whose brains are too small??).  As much as I try to educate people and be a good ambassador for the breed, people who don’t actually want to listen and instead want to prove how much they know about pitbulls (because everything you read online is true) just infuriate me to no end.   I’m pretty sure these are the same people who spout political rhetoric word-for-word after hearing a pundit say it on TV.   It’s all I can do to stop myself from kicking these people in the babymaker and running away.


Mr. T: 0 Fence:1

2.  “Awww, she’s so cute!”

Um, yeah.  Mr. T has a penis.  I know it is small, but it is there.  I swear*.   I won’t go more into now this since Potnoodle thinks I should devote an entire blog entry about my feelings on this subject, but seriously people, if you squint and tilt your head at at 38 degree angle, you can clearly see he is a male.


*It’s laughably tiny. It’s like a little innie belly button.


Spot the not junk

3.  “What kind of dog is that?  Let me guess…Rottweiler?  No….Poodle?  Oh, he’s definitely a Boxer.  Wait…I got it!  Jack Russell?”

While Mr. T’s origins are mostly unknown (clearly there is some pittie in there), some of the breeds people guess for him are downright laughable.  I’ve gotten Rottweiler more times than I can count, and given Mr. T is solid white, I am fairly certain these individuals don’t actually know what a Rottweiler actually looks like.   I also once had a person *insist* that there was such a breed as a Giant Jack Russell (you know, like a Giant Schnauzer).  I’ve found that other people are much more eager to label Mr. T than I am. I’m going to start calling him an “Russo-American Smooth Speckled Terrier” and see what people say.

The closest Mr. T will ever get to being a poodle.


I love to take my dogs in public. They like to get out, I enjoy being around them. It’s win/win. Then you add in the general public… I hate questions. I don’t like to interact with people I don’t know. When the people I don’t know are asking stupid questions I don’t even know how to respond. Some examples;


1. “How much did that dog cost? That dog looks real expensive!”

I have poodles. Not the ratty little kind your grandmother used to carry around but actual real Standard Poodles. They are generally well groomed and they just look fancy, to be honest. Still, that does NOT give anyone the right to ask me how much I paid for them. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than someone asking how much I paid for my dogs. Usually I laugh it off but I’m always more tempted to ask them what they make in a year or how much their pants cost. It’s tacky, people, stop doing that.

“I was pretty cheap but you might as well feed me money for all the shit I’m going to destroy.”

2.” Is that really a poodle? I’ve never seen one that size. “

No,  I just told you that for shits and giggles. This is actually a giant fuzzy muppethund. Very rare. Yes, asshat, it is a poodle. Your runny nosed four year old has been screaming poodle since she saw us across the park. Does IQ go down as you age or is she just the genius of the family?

Pictured: The Extra Giant version of the Giant Fuzzy Muppethund

3. “Is that a ____doodle?” or “Look Muffy, it’s your cousin!”

I get this from doodle owners a lot and NOTHING pisses me off like my dogs being compared to doodles. I have a deep, deep loathing in my soul for purposefully bastardized dogs, I should probably talk to my therapist about it because there are a lot of rage issues there. This is the one question that will get a less than civil answer from me. Usually, I respond with “No, they are purebred Standard Poodles. Your dog is a mutt.” I’m a bitch about it and I have no shame. I love mixed breed dogs. I grew up and started training with an australian cattle dog- border collie mix. So-called “designer dogs” are a whole other story. I can feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about it.

I tried to find a picture but I was pushed in to a rage.

*What annoying questions do you get about your own dogs? Share below!*

Confessions: I’m in an abusive relationship with my dog

11 Mar

Lest you think The Dog Snobs are perfect, we will occasionally be confessing sad truths about our own dogs.  In today’s first installment, we tackle the touchy subject of dog abuse…as in, how our own dogs abuse us.


In the four years that I’ve had Mr. T, not one, but two physicians have asked me in all seriousness during an exam if there is anything I needed to tell them about the bruises and cuts on my legs and arms.   At first I was confused by their questioning, but upon seeing their concerned expressions, I quickly realized they thought I was either self-harming myself or being abused.  When I laughed and told the first doctor that I just have a large exuberant dog who likes to be on top of me at all times, she smiled and said she that she had a Great Dane and totally understood.  The second doctor however, was not convinced.   He assured me that if I needed to talk, he was there for me.  Clearly this man was a) either not a dog owner or b) owned civilized dogs.

If anyone has ever owned a bully breed, you know exactly what I mean when I say these goofy, big-headed beasts love with exuberance.   Mr. T approaches everything in life with gusto, and loving me is no different.  Between flying leaps (with running starts, of course) onto my lap when I am on the couch, trying to sleep on top of me, crawling into my lap at every possible moment, and generally just being a bull in a china shop, it’s no wonder that my body bears constant reminders of his affection.  In addition to countless bruises and scrapes, Mr. T has concussed me at least once (that’s been confirmed), given me a bloody nose several times, and knocked me silly on multiple other occasions.  When you have a 75 pound dog who thinks he is a lap dog and throws his GIGANTIC head around in unbridled glee, bad things are bound to happen.   But honestly, I  don’t think I would change it.  His enthusiastic affection is part of his charm, and after four years of living with Mr. T, I’ve accepted that sometimes love is pain.

“Even when trying to sleep, I can’t avoid his gigantic head!”


Dog ownership isn’t always cupcakes and rainbows. When you own a dog that acts before he thinks… bleeding is just part of the job description. Before I came into my life, not once had I ever been made to bleed by one of my dogs. L isn’t mouthy at all and my cattle dog mix before her would never lay teeth on a human (dogs were a whole other story, of course.) When I brought I home at a year old, I sort of knew what I was getting in to. I had seen his grandmother and mother run in agility and I had seen both of them jump up to bite his breeder’s hands at the end of their runs. Since I’ve had I, he has broken my thumb, left several puncture wounds and I can’t even begin to count the bruises. He isn’t aggressive, of course. His bites are never ill intentioned, really they can’t even be called bites. He just dances around with his mouth wide open, swinging his teeth and usually catching flesh. It isn’t just the mouth you have to watch though, he also enjoys using me as a springboard. You really can’t fault his enthusiasm, but I do wish there was a little less damage done by it. His enthusiasm isn’t just limited to play though, he honestly can’t go anywhere at a walk. He dashes about, paying no attention to what he is doing. He has knocked me down our front steps, not once but twice. He’s that dog everyone hates, bouncing off knees like a pinball . Of course, training him out of it is an option and I have settled him down quite a bit. He no  longer takes flying leaps at my face, for instance. Really though, the flying around with his mouth open is just part of his personality. I just ask that he does it with at least three feet between us.

Now replace that ball with my arm and you understand my day to day life.

Fang (Unacceptably delayed but still awesome): I have bitey dogs. You can call it what you like–mouthy, nippy, whatever, but they view the world through their usually open mouths and they interact with everything teeth first. Both M and Z‘s favorite activites are extremely physical and involve a lot of flying incisors. Luckily,  I’ve avoided major damage beyond some pinches in the midst of play and a long puncture wound from a “Don’t eat that!” hand reach into a mouth. My dogs however aren’t prone to being as careful with my own friends, who incidentally have to be careful playing tug in their placement or they get what could only be described as a ‘purple nurple’.

Blissed-out on boobs. Surprising, but true.

Do any of you want to confess as well?  Be sure to leave a comment!