Tag Archives: Reasons We Judge You

Dog Related Craigslist Ads that Make us go “Huh?!”

16 Mar

Against our better judgment, all three of us at The Dog Snobs occasionally look at the “pets” section on Craigslist, and each time, we are reminded exactly why this is a such a bad idea.  Some of the posts are admittedly depressing, but in between wanting to throttle idiot dog owners, we consistently manage to find some particularly laughable posts. Between the atrocious spellings (pro tip:  you shouldn’t own a dog you can’t spell), made up breeds, and absurd stories behind the dogs, Craigslist pet ads are basically the “Walmart” of the dog world.   One doesn’t have to look far to spot the stupid.

Below are some of the most head-scratchingly awful ads we saw posted in the last week.

Ah yes, the elusive “purebread” dog.  Is it whole wheat? Pumpernickel? Perhaps a nice Rye?  We suddenly find ourselves hungry….

Hmmm…a Burmese, eh?  Like a snake? Oh… like a cat?  Color us confused.  Oh wait, and it’s mixed with a boarder collie.  That clears it all up.  Aaaaaaand you spelled mountain wrong.  Nicely done.

In line with text | Fixed position

So much wrong.  Chabrador.  Chiwawa.  The confusion as to how the dogs managed to mate.  Do you think a diagram would help?

This one is a two-fer.  A “miniature t-cup” that can’t breed or be fixed lest it dies (and yet owner claims it has no problems…mmmhmmmm) AND it falls into one of our naming pet peeve categories, “The Mismatch”.
Just so much wrong with this ad. Ignoring the numerous spelling mistakes…. they’re basically telling us that buying a dog from a breeder at a flea market is the same thing as rescuing an adult from a rescue. We aren’t sure what compelled the original poster to write this ad, but we’d like to.

If you don’t know how to spell the breed name, don’t get the breed. We’d like to petition that as a cardinal rule of dog ownership. Who’s with us?

 

Again with the spelling errors, but this ad has bigger issues going for it. Wolf? Really. We’ve removed the location for the protection of the idiots posting it but let me assure you… there are no wolves in central Alabama. None that are available to breed to your “Shepard” anyway.

 

Questionable ethics aside, this is a terrifying ad. Not only does the other dog in the photo look like she consumes human souls for sustenance, but the dog looking for a home is “short and stalky”. All the better for hiding in your bushes with some binoculars and a bottle of lotion.

 

While we proudly admitted our love of Toddlers & Tiaras, we aren’t quite sure this is what we had in mind.  Renting/lending out a puppy seems like a swell idea.  What could possibly go wrong?! You know, besides the havoc a young energetic puppy could wreak. Or the emotional damage dozens of screaming girls in cupcake dresses could inflict on said puppy. Either way, Potnoodle is searching for the location of this pageant with intentions to watch the fun.

Have any “favorite” breed misspellings of your own?  Find any local ads that make you want to bang your head on a wall?  If so, please share!  But pretty please, don’t post any identifiable information like contact information or names.  We’d really like to avoid inciting a hate crime.

10 Reasons Why Dog People are Like Pageant Moms

14 Mar


While our love of dogs and snark originally brought The Dog Snobs together, it quickly became apparent that we shared several other interests (read: morbid fascinations).  Namely, all three of us are regular “Toddlers & Tiaras” viewers and have spent many an hour dissecting episodes of that trash-tastic tv show.  Upon reflecting on “Toddlers & Tiaras”, we realized that there really isn’t much of a difference between pageant moms and dog moms (Completely ignoring the similarity between weave poles and other kind of poles…).  In fact, we find it hard to differentiate between the two in most cases. Much to our own shame, it’s not just with others that we see these similarities.  We have accepted the fact that we also routinely play the role of the Pageant Mom.  In this post we will highlight 10 Reasons why Dog People and Pageant Moms aren’t all that different.

1.  Motivational catch phrases: Like the battle cry of many a demented pageant mom (“sparkle, baby, sparkle”), we’ve found that most dog owners use specific motivational phrases to bring the best out of their dogs.  Within The Dog Snobs, we use phrases varying from “Up, Up”, “Hurry, Hurry”, to “Go, Go, Go”.   There have been several times while shrieking these words to our dogs that we’ve all realized how ridiculous we must sound to outsiders.  But does that stop us?  Of course not.  Much like the pageant mom, we have no shame in being the loudest person in the room.

“Work those weave poles!”

2. Regimented Diets:  Fang routinely refers to herself as a Texas Cheerleader mom when it comes to her dogs’ diets. Every calorie is accounted for on a daily basis and weights are managed extensively. The super-high performance kibble she feeds has an embarrassingly high price-bracket. The protein boosters to keep weight on her skinny dog, the bone and joint supplements, the fish oil… Their bowls look like something akin to a four star bistro in processed kibble form. Trial days? It all goes to hell. Hotdogs, Pupperoni, BillJac, whatever her little princess demands she gets and she gets it RIGHT NOW! Or rather she steals it out of her cooler because that’s how cattle dogs roll. BusyBee and Potnoodle are not immune from this diet obsession, as both of us feed raw diets and are incredibly aware of every morsel of food that passes their lips.   We have been known to keep journals containing meal plans, nutritional facts, and general feeding guidelines. Anyone who has ever watched “Toddlers & Tiaras” will instantly see the similarities. While she’s yet to funnel Mountain Dew and Redbull (Go Go Juice!) down their throats, Potnoodle’s dogs have been known to get an energy boosting powder on long trial weekends.

Z after gorging herself on stolen hot dogs.

3. The classes: Attending classes, assisting in classes, volunteering to get discounted classes–you name it, we’ve done it.  While pageant moms invest thousands of dollars in coaching, dog people spend just as much time and money finding suitable classes and trainers.  People involved in the dog world know that there each town has a hierarchy of trainers, and in case you wonder, going to the “best” trainer in the area is a badge of honor for many owners.  Similarly to those gossiping pageant moms, dog people are not immune to bragging about working with certain trainers, receiving extra help, or dropping the names of the amazing people they work with.

I wouldn't brag about that

I wouldn’t brag about that

4.  The Appearance Enhancing Products: Whereas pageant moms rely on hairspray, spray tans, and buckets of makeup, conformation dog owners use hairspray, chalk, dye, nose coloring and an incredibly disturbing product called a  “Wiggie”. All of these are, like blue eye shadow in a ‘natural’ pageant, illegal. That doesn’t stop dog show exhibitors, of course. They go right on spraying up those topknots and dying those mismarks like it’s their job… which it is, come to think of it.

They’re both toys

5. The Cash vs. Reward Paradigm: Much like pageants, dog shows are not a place of profit. One might invest three hundred dollars in a comparatively cheap weekend. National level or invitational level competitions (much like pageants) have costs that increase exponentially. With that much cash invested, the most you can hope to win is a bag of dog food you won’t feed (See above), a stuffed toy your dog will destroy on the car ride back home, or if you’ve gotten really lucky enough cash to cover maybe one of the classes you entered that day. This fact makes us a more than a  little jealous of the toddlers and their cash taped to paper plates.

Money Can’t Buy You Class… but it can buy a lot of glitter.

6. Maximizing Potential: This is one of the few ways where as dog owners, we have it made over those pageant moms–we can select our dogs. The moms are just kind of stuck with (really it’s the kids who are trapped, but keep with us here) whatever pops from their hoo-ha, slime and all. There are puppy tests from the earliest days to pick out the best prospects. Imagine trying to test for glitter affinity or most vacant expression in newborns.

Klasseigh.

Klasseigh.

7. Bribery and Begging: While we’ve yet to offer our dog a pony for a successful weekend, we aren’t above pointless begging. “Just one clean, fast run and I’ll buy you a hamburger on way home” has been uttered Potnoodle on many weekends. The dogs don’t get it, but that doesn’t stop her from trying. Fang has resorted to promising to buy a sheep for her herder if she’ll just maybe not sit with the judge and watch the heeling pattern rather than doing it. Upon further reflection, she realizes this is disturbingly close to a pony.  BusyBee just asks that Mr. T not embarrass her, which sadly, is often too much to ask.

We realize this is Dance Moms, but…

8. Judges: At least the dog’s judges aren’t creepy possible pedophiles, or so we hope. Anyone that has ever thumbed through an edition of ‘Dogs In Review’ or ‘The Dog Chronicle’ knows that the judges are a big deal and being well known to judges is the way to go. Every dog show ad has a “Thanks to Judge Fancy McSnootypants for a great weekend” shout-out. None of us are subscribed to ‘Prostitot Weekly’, but we’re pretty sure those ads are in there too.

“Nothing’s wrong with a grown man ogling a little girl in cupcake dresses”

9. Disappointment: As in all competitive endeavors, disappointment arrives and it’s not always well received.  Tantrums thrown by children are not entirely different than dog tantrums.  Both involve flopping on the floor, whining, and generally just being a lousy sport. Owners are not necessarily immune to it either though they will more frequently resemble the child.

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10. SO. MUCH. GOSSIP.  You cannot get away from it. You just can’t. These are both ridiculously tiny communities and everyone knows, knows of, or knows someone who knows everyone. Conveniently, someone always manages to hate someone in the trial you’re attending and are not shy in letting anyone else know what’s going on, ringside. Preferably in front of as many people as they can gather in their corner. No single event is immune from this and bad-sportsmanship abounds. If TLC were interested in a reality show, getting involved may be worth the paycheck, but as they haven’t called any of us, it’s good practice to just nod, smile and walk away.

Owner Profile #2: The Faux Avid Sportsman

9 Mar

Next up in our rampant profiling we have…. *trumpets blare*

Taa Daa

The Faux Avid Sportsman

Description: The Faux Avid Sportsman is that dog owner who talks a big game, but when it comes down to it, they’re just as lazy, if not lazier, than the rest of us. Filled with grand ideas, seemingly endless funds, and a gift of blarney, the F.A.S, has all the best intentions and none of the follow-through. Notable in their ability to bluff their way through any conversation about their chosen non-venue, initial contact will be surprisingly pleasant. They seem knowledgeable and they will certainly be dressed the part. To their credit,  the F.A.S. usually has impeccable, if rather overpriced taste. Seynaeve, Ruffwear, Vibram (which is a whole other post) or custom–only the best will do. As time passes however, and you yourself develop the same knowledge, you begin to notice that the F.A.S. is unusually silent about their actual accomplishments. As practical training issues arise you and you seek out their help (since they have after all, sold themselves as experts), it is nearly impossible to not find their superficial, generally unhelpful, and condescending tone rather grating. After realizing they can no longer coast on a Google search or partial chapters of books, the F.A.S. begins to make excuses as to why their dog “can’t”. In reality, they just can’t be bothered to actually attend or even sign-up for the classes they profess to know all about. Even the simplest of tasks becomes too difficult to the point that even walking their under-exercised pooch is inconvenient and too difficult. They will however remain undeterred in their belief that they would be the best ‘If only <insert excuse> wasn’t <insert faux obstacle>”. Active dog sport enthusiasts and anyone who’d ever helped in an obedience class typically find these types infuriating in their laziness. In their case a little knowledge is a dangerous and extraordinarily irritating thing.

At least the dog finished the whole book.

Common Locations: The F.A.S. can be frequently found trolling the internet dog forums informing everyone and anyone who will listen about all the marvelous things they intend to do with their dogs. In reality however, good luck finding this elusive beast. They are home-dwellers rarely straying from the safety of their custom built kennels.  You will occasionally find them meandering through specialty pet stores or even the large chains, dressed in full pet regalia. Their premier location however, and where you can view them in their natural habitat, is at specialty dog events.  From festivals, Pet Days, local kennel-club events, to large-scale adoption events, the F.A.S. thrives in these environments. They like nothing better than amazing the public with their faux-experience.

“That’s not how you train 2x2s, MACH8!”

Breeds Owned: German Shepherds, Border Collies, or any other breed that is commonly found in the dog sport and performance world. These dogs are often from top-notch breeders but don’t be fooled– a good performance breeder rarely sells an actual performance dog to someone with no previous experience.

HerdingYou-re-doing-it-wrong-dogs-11954498-450-342

Skill Level:  Moderate. Although these owners have the best of intentions and a reasonable amount of dog knowledge, it is difficult to assess their true skill level since they rarely follow through with their plans.

“Follow the yellow brick… Oooh! Pony!”

Catch Phrases:  “We’re totally going to sign up for that next!”, “Oh yeah, I’m waiting for my new bite sleeve”, “We’ve done novice obedience” (read: they took a class once)

Anecdotal evidence:

BusyBee:   In one of the first puppy classes I attended with Mr. T, we met an older woman with a Newfoundland puppy.  Within minutes of meeting her, the woman spouted off all sorts of plans to get the puppy involved in water rescue.  She claimed to have done water rescue with her previous Newfie and was certain that her newest pup would be an amazing candidate.  When she asked me what my goals were for Mr. T, and I said “to not be an asshole”, she scoffed and told me that I had to find some sort of sport to do with him to give his life purpose.  Every week at our puppy class, the woman bragged about her plans for her puppy, her contact with the local Newfie club, and the latest gear she had gotten (ranging from life-vests, long-lines, a bevy of bumpers, life-rings, and so on) while shaming me for not finding a suitable sport for Mr. T.  Over the next year, we ended being in several more obedience classes together, and each time, I was bombarded with the same information as before, but realized that no progress had actually been made toward this goal other than having a closet full of gear. Eventually we took a break from classes and didn’t see the woman and her dog regularly anymore.  That is until, about a year later (our dogs were now 2 years old), I saw her at a local dog park with beach access.  Curiously, her dog wouldn’t go anywhere near the water, which seemed odd given surely he was well on his way to becoming a water rescue dog by now.  Upon catching up and asking how her dog was doing, I found out that she never actually enrolled him in any water rescue training because she got too busy,  and now at age 2, he refused to swim.   While Mr. T paddled around merrily in the water, I had to chuckle that somewhere in this woman’s basement, stashed along with her dreams of water rescue, was a whole lot of gear, most likely still with price-tags on it.

“I’m more of a water rescue dog than you’ll ever be.”

Fang: These are the dog owners who frustrate me endlessly. Several months ago work clients showed up in our obedience classes with an active herding breed puppy. Weeks of obedience and working with this puppy had the owners excited and interested in the possibilities of dog sports with him… or so they said. They struggled with basic boundaries at home and despite his near-perfect class manners he was in their opinion a different dog at home. Hours were put into this dog and his owners on the best way to solve simple puppy/jerky teenager issues in a way they felt comfortable. Suddenly they stopped attending classes all-together and less than a month later show up with a second puppy. The lone requirement for the new puppy was a specific coat color. Initial puppy is now an adolescent menace who they can barely manage due to a lack of boundaries and being underexercised. The new puppy is actually a fantastic sport prospect and it kills me to see him wasted on people who talk a good game but have zero intention of putting in the grunt work achievement takes.

Potnoodle: My experience with the F.A.S.began when I started my first agility class, there was someone in my class that fit the profile perfectly. Of course, at the time, I didn’t recognize the Faux Avid Sportsman. She had a fairly impressive breed that she intended to show in conformation. She was in my agility class, which was intended for people that wanted to compete. She was also in an AKC obedience class and a member of an IPO (then Schutzund) club. In fact, she was a member of every available dog club in the area. She also had all sorts of stories about what she had done with her childhood dogs. Her first dog turned up as a monorchid (one balled, for those not in the know) and instead of neutering and pursuing the interests she could with an altered dog, she bought another dog from the same breeder. When that dog was deemed too shy for bite work, she bought yet another dog from the same breeder. At this point, she dropped out of my agility class. When I next saw her, she had euthanized one of the dogs for behavior issues and had yet another puppy that she and her then fiance had gotten from the same breeder. That’s five dogs, if you’re keeping count. None of them with a title. At what point do you figure out that maybe the dog isn’t the problem? Eight years later, she still does nothing with her dogs, and when I last saw her she was telling me all about the miniature horses she had and how she was going to enter them in driving competitions. Perhaps she’s a big name in the miniature horse world now, but somehow I doubt it.

Types of People that Frequent The Groomer

8 Mar

Here are The Dog Snobs, very little gets us laughing as much or as rage filled as discussing bad customer stories, and very few animal businesses have as many neuroses or insane requests as grooming. Potnoodle, our resident groomer, and Fang, an apprentice groomer, have both experienced and witnessed a fair number of customer meltdowns and general patterns which we broke down for our own (and now your) amusement. BusyBee is more of a ‘wash and go’ type dog owner and has never actually stepped foot into a grooming salon and not-so-secretly hopes she never has to.

 

The Co-Dependent

If a suitable in-home groomer can not be located, you will find these people first in for appointments and sitting by the phone or in the grooming lobby until their poofykins can be retrieved post-haste. From entry to exit, this person is a bundle of nerves and projects their nerves to their dog in a high-pitched attempt at comforting (i.e. “It’s okay baby! It’ll be fine!”) that sounds more like a fire alarm. Most dogs remain unaffected by this aural hostage-taking, but those who are promptly turn to mush. These people will film their dogs’ first appointments with groomers, lightly brushing away their hysterical tears insisting that their dog is sensitive.

 

Make it the groomer, and you've got the same idea.

Make it the groomer, and you’ve got the same idea.

The Last Minute Squeeze

In an appointment-based grooming shop, this person is enough to send the whole schedule reeling. The Last Minute Squeeze *always* needs to get in right away. Family pictures, friends visiting, a major holiday perhaps? This person needs an appointment RIGHT NOW and “Could you please, please, pretty please, groom Snickers two hours ago so he’ll be pretty for my mother-in-law?” While less self-important than the Indignant Procrastinator, the constant begging soon becomes irritating. It also seems to set in their mind a precedent for rewarding poor-planning. Conversely, these are also the people you can charge out the nose for the privilege of being annoying.

 

Still More Dignified than the Owner

The Indignant Procrastinator

The bossy older brother of the ‘Last Minute Squeeze’, this client will never ever book an appointment in the recommended time frame. Ever. When they finally call two days before their desired appointment time, how dare there not be a spot for them reserved, ready and waiting. There are angry recriminations and passive-aggressive commentary on how maybe they’ll just need to find someone else to groom their dog. They will usually however settle for an appointment with the promise (*snort*) of calling them with any cancellations. Pro Tip: You’ll never actually be called.

 

You want to leave?  We've never been so lucky.

You want to leave? We’ve never been so lucky.

The Late Bloomer

This is among the most frustrating of clients. This person is the ideal client when they’re leaving with their dog. Everything is “perfect” and exactly how they requested until six to eight weeks later, where the list of what was done wrong has gone from zero to ten thousand. Their litany of complaints range outside of the plausible and jump right to the bizarre: ‘You took away his character’ or ‘His left ear was 2/13ths of a millimeter shorter’. In some extreme cases they’ll return months later demanding refunds for their grooms. No matter what means are taken to appease these complaints, they will keep coming back with even more vague complaints from out of the blue. This is a battle that cannot be won.

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The Perfectionist

As implied by the name…everything must be perfect. From bow placement to the precise circumference of an ass-ball (Which Potnoodle says are called rosettes. but I like our version better) the perfectionist has an opinion on everything and what exactly can be done to “fix it” and how, despite never having groomed a dog in their life. The Perfectionist is also occasionally ready with the scissors to “correct” what they find in error which can earn them the secondary title of ‘The Butcher’.

funny_poodle

The Telepath

The unfortunate love-child between ‘The Perfectionist’ and “The Late Bloomer”, the Telepath expects you to know what they want and to execute it without real instruction. Not to be confused with ‘The Clueless Spouse’, the Telepath has very precise ideas on how their dog should look, and you should be able to decipher it with only the vaguest of clues. Simple questions on length or style are met with blank stares, shrugs, or detailed surrealist visions of melting clocks and “feeling like the ocean”. Inevitably, when the groomer fails (And they will fail), they will move along to another groomer, incensed at the lack of psychic ability.

 

“I foresee a ‘Pain in the Ass’ Charge in your future”

The Forrest Gump

Perhaps the most reviled of the types, The Forrest Gump client has the bolded and underlined quality of never knowing which sensory horror you’re going to get. Their dog will always retain an odor or a stain that is rarely explained, yet repeatedly resurfaces with the problem. This type of owner is usually divided into two subcategories; ‘The Owner with Children’ or ‘The College Student’. Not unlike an untended fridge, this dog should be handled in a hazmat suit, because there is no way of knowing the precise origin of the problem and the owner never seems to be aware of the issue.

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The Owner in Denial

It starts off easily enough, the owner drops the dog off and asks you to “do the same as always”. The dog appears to be unmatted, if perhaps a little frizzy. Upon digging in to the coat, an armor of matts is discovered. When the owner returns to find a shaved dog, they are furious. “I brush him every day!” they exclaim, full of righteous fury. Upon further investigation, it is discovered that the owner runs a slicker brush over the dog once or twice a year and gives up. This type of owner never seems to learn and the dog will come back in the same shape next time to repeat the process until a price increase for stupidity drives them out.

 

I thought Afghans came corded?

I thought Afghans came corded?

The Google Image Search

This owner has never actually seen an adult representative of their own breed. They do, however, have basic internet access and a rough ability to spell the breed. They bring in photos of a show groomed breed profile that their own dog could not fill even if it was liquified and poured into a mold. Sometimes, the dog is not even of the breed represented in the photo. Potnoodle was once asked to turn a maltese into a bichon. When she explained the hair texture difference, they said (and I quote) “Well, can’t you just tease it?” Sorry  Owners, no amount of aquanet is going to turn your shitty maltese into JR.

That’s a hella lot of hairspray…

Types of Dog Park People

4 Mar

Among The Dog Snobs, Fang is the only regular dog park user, and we respect her dedication to dealing with the idiocy within. (From Fang: It’s Private and I work for the owner. Everyone thinks I work there so I can flounce around with my dogs and do as I please without too much kerfuffle from the masses.) Despite not all being regular dog park users, we all do have some dog park experience and we have noticed some universal truths about the type of people that use Dog Parks. Inspired by this brilliant “Portlandia” bit we decided that it was high time we help classify the many other different types of people who frequent dog parks.


The Lothario:   Every park has one–the guy, usually in his late 30s or early 40s, who has turned the dog park into his own personal dating pool.  His M.O. involves sidling up to a woman (at least 10 years his junior), throwing out copious compliments (about the dog, of course), and then going in for the kill.  His typical uniform includes too-tight-denim, a leather biker jacket (note: he does not in fact, ride a motorcycle), and sunglasses, even on a cloudy day.  When not trolling the dog park for babes, The Lothario can be found in vintage record stores or chilling at the local coffee shop with the cutest (and youngest) baristas.

That cooked liver smell just does something for him.

The Helicopter Parent: Not to be confused with ‘The Nervous Mother’, the Helicopter Parent is on their dog like a pageant mom is on ‘pretty feet’. The Helicopter Parent is usually a novice dog owner with a Type A personality who has read every book on dog raising ever written and they’ve applied all the advice they’ve ever gotten. You can recognize them by their specific park-wear (usually lycra with color-coordinated polar fleece).

Pretty Feet! PRETTY FEET!

The Nervous Mother:  The nervous mother, although related to the helicopter parent, is less pushy than the helicopter parent, but a whole helluva lot more uptight.  This person is generally a first time dog owner with limited dog experience and even less skill at reading dog body language.  Easily identified by their constant outcries of “Ooh…is that ok?  I  can’t tell…are they playing?”, The Nervous Mother has ten-thousand questions and the memory of a garden slug. The amount of reassurance they require to make it through a twenty-minute outing is any capable person’s comfort-quota for a year. Thankfully, these parents are among the most metamorphic types and frequently grow out of their nervous status, particularly if they have young puppies. If not taken in hand early however, you risk them becoming ‘The Victim’.

“Are you sure he’s okay? What’s that other dog! Oh god he’s hemorrhaging!” ‘That’s just poop, Susan”

The Victim: A distant cousin to the Nervous mother and the Helicopter parent, The Victim is among the most annoying of park-goers. The slightest noise by any four legged creature is a direct assault on their snookums. Think your dogs are playing a raucous game of fetch? Nope, it’s a blood hunt, and the prey is their pooch. Dog’s playing in the pond? Nope, it’s an attempted drowning. You will hear the victim’s favorite phrase “CONTROL YOUR DOG!” shouted at nearby patrons as their own dog frequently ignores any semblance of commands spewing from their down-turned unhappy mouth.

“Reginald come back! I won’t let that Labradoodle molest you!”

The Antisocial Chuck-It Owner:  From the moment this person walks into the park, they make it perfectly clear that they are there to play fetch with their dog, and nothing else.   They will actively shoo any dogs away that dare try to interact with their focused pooch.  It gets really ugly if another dog takes the precious ball (cue Gollum, “my precioussssss”) away from their own dog.  Antisocial Chuck-It Owners have been known to loudly announce that they didn’t come to the dog park to “play” and enforce a 20 feet safety bubble around them at all times.

“Me, My dog, this plastic do-hickey… this is my happy place”

The Lazy Observer: “Oh is that my dog pooping? Oh. Well that’s inconvenient.” The Lazy Observer is often sitting on a park bench as far away from their own dog as humanly possible, and can usually be found fiddling with their smart phone.  When informed that their precious fluffy has pooped/started a fight/is being a pain in the ass, the Lazy Observer will momentarily raise their eyes from their smart-phone/tablet, scream, feebly call their dog (who almost always has a poor recall), and mutter some sort of apology while returning to their texting. Never expect the Lazy observer to pitch in. Poop right next to their chair? Indignant screeching will ensue if assistance is requested.

“Hauling this recliner here wore me out, could you clean up after Rex?”

The Park Emperor:  Taking their self-appointed role as Park Emperor very seriously, this person can usually be found dictating to the masses anything from poop shovel locations to whose dogs can socialize where. Thrones have been staked out so be wary of finding a place in their court without creating some unintended drama. Many within the park nobility also fall under the Lazy Observer heading purely because ruling over such a small fenced area is exhausting.

“That is NOT authorized use of the poop shovel!”

The Expert: The Expert knows it all, has done it all, and is going to tell you all about it. Have a Doberman? They bred Dobermans, who saved children from a wells, protected him their owners from all harm including identity theft, and could do advanced calculus. The Expert always has a story to out-story you and if those stories happen to resemble old episodes of Rin Tin Tin, it just adds to the experience.

Your dog has an obedience title? Well his dog has a movie franchise.

The Advisor:  Instantly recognizable by their passive-aggressive introduction of “If that were, my dog…”, The Advisor offers unsolicited advice at every turn. Although well-meaning, the advice is often inappropriate. The dog of The Advisor is often the worst behaved in the park, often causing mayhem while the owner is busy advising other park goers.

“If that were my dog I’d… wait, that is my dog.”

The Princess:   Waltzing in wearing white linen capris and ballet flats, this person is woefully unprepared for the realities of a dog park.  Not wanting to clash with her outfit, The Princess refuses to wear a bait-bag or other utilitarian dog tote, and chooses instead to stuff her treats into her Coach brand tote, not realizing that a) every dog in the park will soon be circling her like sharks to get to her treats, and b) her white linen pants are unlikely to stay white.  The Princess refuses to sit on any of the park benches and is hesitant to interact with any of the other plebeian park goers.  Don’t worry though, The Princess only makes an appearance at the dog park a few times per year.

“Keep your filthy paws off me, you animal!”

The Trainer: Similar to The Advisor, but with “professional” qualifications to back them up. These trainers are most often employees of large pet chains. They are usually seen commanding other people’s dog’s to sit, as if their six week certification course makes them a God among Dogs. Dogs, even well trained ones, usually stare at them as if they have two heads.

Even the dog is judging you.

Even the dog is judging you.

Can you think of any we missed? Share your experiences in the comments!

10 Alternative Uses for Retractable Leashes

2 Mar

Flexi-Leash Haiku

By BusyBee

 Oh how I loathe you

Small invisible wire

Flexi-leash  of doom


Here at the Dog Snobs, few things annoy us more than retractable leashes, or flexi-leads.   Seriously, those corded death-traps and the people holding them send all of us into a blind rage.  However, given the sheer amount of them we see, we realize it’s not realistic to completely get rid of them.  So, instead of burning them all with fire, we’ve come up with 10 alternative (read: better) uses for retractable leashes.

1) Jump rope.
Extend to the maximum length, lock, and have at it.  This could possibly the next big fitness trend.

2)  Trip wire for home security.

Given how effective these are at tripping people (BusyBee knows from personal experience), it makes perfect sense to put them to good use to keep home invaders out.  Simply extend the leash and pull taut in front of your door.  No burglar will be able to bypass the flexi-leash of doom, trust us.

3) Paperweight.

Flexi-leashes seem to come in all sizes and colors, so with the leash fully retracted, it will make an excellent decorative paperweight for any desk.

If you want a tacky paperweight, that is.



4)  Torture device

Have you ever gotten a rope burn from a fast-moving flexi-lead?  Yeah. That shit hurts.   A  lot.  People have had fingers chopped off due to getting tangled in a flexi-leash.  Seriously.

5) Dog-proof fridge lock

BusyBee’s Mr. T is what we like to call, “mechanically gifted”, and has learned, on his own, how to open the household refrigerator.  Even the installment of a child-lock only kept him out for 24 hours.   Perhaps tying a flexi-lead around the fridge, looping through the handles, and then using the convenient locking function will keep him out….

Lock it up.

6) Garotte

Nothing says “The Dog did it” like a murder weapon that hides its own evidence in a spring-loaded carrying case. You probably don’t want to reuse that lead though…

7) Bludgeoning

While we can’t understand why anyone would choose to carry around such a large hulking handle, we can see the potential use as a weapon.  Who needs mace when you can beat someone over the head with a flexi-leash handle?

Totally a weapon.

8) An Introduction Aide

Little gets you as up close and personal with someone as when your unruly labrador wraps their flexi-lead around the ankles of an unsuspecting date candidate. From a distance you can gauge fitness and dexterity without ever having to speak to the person. If you’re not interested, release the handle and allow it to snap back with amazing force on the stranger’s knee to punish them for wasting your time. If you’re interested, call your dog while throwing their favorite toy over your shoulder. Your next date should be arriving in less than 10 seconds, likely slightly disheveled, and maybe a little mad, but really they should be flattered.

9) Toddler Control

We at Dog Snobs will judge you horribly for using a flexi to control your dog, but it seems the perfect tool to corral your sticky spawn. The length of the line allows you to give your child room to be independent while still allowing you the power to yank them back if they take off into oncoming traffic. Press lock and hang it on something high and you have a handy tether system for the tyke. Get a friend to come over and have toddler races, first child snapped back at the end of the twenty foot line wins. Toddler Yo-Yo, corralling unruly children like a bundling rope, extreme red rover. The possibilities are endless when you unhook the leash from your dog’s collar and onto your toddler’s… well…. whatever you can find to hook it on.

What better way to control them without touching their grubby little hands?

10) We honestly couldn’t come up for a tenth reason for using these harbingers of doom (other than hanging the dog owners who use them).Get a real leash.

Have your own alternative use? Let us know in comments!