Put it back, you don’t need that! a.k.a. Picking the correct breed is important. Don’t fuck it up.

Every year the AKC comes out with statistics on the most popular breeds. For several years the Labrador has reigned supreme (Much to the chagrin of Labrador people in both the show and working divide) as the most commonly registered dog in the United States.

Popularity sucks.

Unsurprisingly, these statistics have very little to do with the realistic ownership pool, (e.g. people who really can handle the best and worst traits of the breed responsibly, provide adequate exercise and training, and not just let their dog run amok and terrorize the neighborhood).

Fluffy!! Stop chasing Mrs. Jones!

 

Every asshole we know with a dog they can’t or won’t manage put very little thought into their decision to own a dog let alone select an appropriate type, so we’re here to help. Before you get your dog, consider these factors, or we’ll mock you via inappropriate stick figure dramas.

He’s asking how we’ll kill him today.

 

1) Do you actually want a dog or do you want Lassie?

This is not your dog. Stop expecting your dog to be this dog.

We want you to brace yourselves. This may come as a shock. Dogs have individual personalities! We know. It surprised us too (It didn’t). While we’re glad your neighbors German Shepherd rescued a family of ducklings from being eaten by Kanye, and your childhood Collie didn’t eat your homework, but rather he did it better than you were able to, we can pretty much guarantee you that the puppy you picked from the litter is not that dog. Don’t get us wrong, there are certainly one in a million dogs (Heart dogs, usually) who know us better than we know ourselves. These dogs are made, and not born despite what everyone with their magic dog tells you.

2) What is your current energy level?

Are you a couch potato? A runner? Pro-tip, don’t get a dog made for who you are not. There is no shame in wanting to stay home and nap. If you want to sit in the house and do cross-words, get a Pug. A Border Collie will only bring you misery and bring the dog fatness and bad behavior.

Let’s be honest, you’re probably too lazy for this too.

3) Have you ever trained a dog before? To what level? No, be serious, what have you actually done?  

Saying you want a high-drive full-speed dog is all well and good but if your current pets don’t even have manners, it’s like demanding to do a heart transplant after completing that 6th grade unit on “the human body”. It’s just a dumb idea. Some breeds are ‘trainers’ breeds and some breeds are ‘pet breeds’ and most breeds fall somewhere in the middle, and even individuals of breeds can be more or less intense. Aim for what you know you can handle now, not what you’d like to handle in the future.

 

“We’ve handled this dog really well. Let’s move on to a Chessie!” said no one ever.

4) Why do you want this breed?

If “because it’s cute” is your reasoning, just go away. Really, walk away. If you can’t give a comprehensive list including the potential (Or extremely likely, depending on how carefully you pick your dog) negatives, you’ve not done your research and you need to go back to the drawing board.

Mommy, why is the kitty in the teddy bear’s mouth?

5) How many have you met in person? How many breeders have you talked to?

If your answer is “Less than one” you don’t need to get that breed. If your answer is “One”, you need to try harder. A reasonable sample size is more than three and talking to 3-5 breeders or breed enthusiasts. Posting a lone question online doesn’t count, neither do breed message boards or Facebook. Make a phone-call, write an email, or just get out and head to a dog show. It’s not that hard.

If you have to ask yahoo answers, you can’t have one.

 

6) How much time (or money) are you willing to put toward grooming?

So you think you want a Puli? Malamute? Afghan Hound? How much money do you have to groom it? None? Go away. Really. If you don’t have a good cost estimate from a local groomer, you don’t have a clue.

I have some Fiskars and a leaf-blower. I got this.

7) Once again, why do you really want this breed?

Really, why?

 

8) Are you on drugs?

Some breeds seem to require it as a prerequisite to ownership.

One of the only valid Fila owners.

 

9) Did someone laugh at you when you said you wanted said breed?

If experienced dog owners laugh when you just mention the breed name… it’s time to walk away.  In the dog world, it’s safe to assume you know nothing compared to people that have lived with the breed for years.

Wait, did you just say FIla? Excuse me while I die laughing.

 

10) Do you want this dog because it’s novel?

Sometimes breeds are rare for good reason.   Imagine a world with Presa Canarios roaming city sidewalks on the end of flexi-leashes?  Yeah.  We don’t want to think about it either.    If you insist on being a Rare Breed Braggart, at least look into a dog that you can manage using the above criteria.

Having a dog no one has heard of doesn’t make you special, it just makes you stupid.

 

If you made it through our list without running away crying and you think you may actually still want one, you… still need to do a shit ton of research. No, watching Dogs 101 doesn’t count, neither does reading the wikipedia article. Talk to breeders, talk to owners, read the literature on the breed and then, if you still think you want one, pray to the flying spaghetti monster that the breeder is willing to let you have one. Pro tip: If the breeder tries to give you one on your first visit… walk away. A good breeder of a difficult breed is just as difficult as the dogs themselves. You have to work for it.

 You’re welcome.

That’s Just Shitty: A Monday rant courtesy of BusyBee

Picking up dog poop should be common sense, right?  Seems pretty obvious.  Your dog takes a dump out in public, you pick it up.  Easy.  Well…easier said than done given that common sense is not exactly common and there are a lot of self-involved, oblivious, or just down-right disrespectful people out there.

 

Yesterday I stepped in two different piles of dog shit while out and about in my neighborhood.   Seriously.  Nothing makes me rage more.  I don’t understand people who don’t pick up after their dogs.  Sure, it’s not glamorous, but what parts of dog ownership are? (Certainly living with Mr. T who routinely belches in my face, farts in bed, and licks his not-junk in my presence has robbed me of any delusions of glamour I may have started with).

So why don’t people pick up after their dogs?  I’ve pretty much heard it all.

1. “ Dog poop is natural.”

    So is arsenic.  I don’t want to drag that home with me either.

To infinite amounts of poop…and beyond!

2. “ I didn’t want to carry it with me.”

Oh, so letting other people carry it home on the bottom of their shoes is a better option.  Got it.

Truth.

3.  “I forgot a bag.”

Be creative, then.  It’s amazing how many things can be used to scoop poop.  Channel your inner MacGyver and use leaves, a twig, or a napkin to pick it up.  Or here’s a novel concept…ask someone.  If you live in the city like I do, there is always someone around and most of us are responsible dog owners and carry extra bags.

WWMD: What would MacGyver Do?

4.  “I didn’t see where it went.”

I live in the city where leash-laws rule, so either your head was completely up your ass or your dog was off-leash and you weren’t paying attention.  Both are crappy excuses.  Is it dark out?  That’s fine.  Use a flashlight.  Don’t have one?  There’s this nifty little thing called an app that can give you one instantly on your smartphone.

5. “It makes me gag.”

If you can’t deal with dog poop, you shouldn’t get a dog.  Dogs poop.  Sometimes it’s gross.  Sometimes it’s REALLY gross.   But you know what, it comes with the territory.  So suck it up buttercup, and clean up after your dog.

If you’re going to spew, spew into this…or an extra poop bag

 

So how do I handle this? (Other than venting on the internet?).  Usually I offer up a combination of dirty looks, passive aggressive offers to lend them a poop-bag, or simply yelling across the park to pick it up.

 

How do I *want* to handle this?  Oh, I have lots of fun ideas I’ve toyed around with.  Does anyone else remember “John TV” where local stations aired the names of men who had been caught soliciting prostitutes?  Well, I  have imagined airing a segment on the local news or neighborhood blogs with photos of the assholes who routinely don’t pick up after their dogs.   I’ve also joked about starting a vigilante poo crew that hides behind bushes and upon seeing a poopetrator, jumping out, yelling, “ah ha!!” and then shaming people into picking up.  And if they don’t?  We follow them home and light burning bags of their dog’s crap on their front patio.*

Or this. I could get behind this.

*I am not really suggesting poo-filled revenge or vandalism.  Relax.  Let a girl have her dreams.

 

So, anyone else feel the rage?  Think I’m being too uptight?  Have any clever ideas to deal with the idiots who can’t be bothered to clean up after their dog?  Share below!

Sex Toy or Dog Toy Saturday

Ready to play another (a)rousing game of which one is for the pooch and which one is for the cooch? Sorry. We’ll never use that word again. Moving on…

Option A

 

Option B

One of these has the word “squeezz” in its name.  The other is the sex toy.  We’re not quite sure how we feel about that.   Actually, we do.  Uncomfortable.

Have your guess yet?  *Drumroll Please*

Option A is the Kong Squeezz toy for dogs and Option B is an eerily similar sex toy.  Both claim to be made of “a unique and durable material”, and based on appearances we can only assume they share the same patent. We can only hope the sex toy doesn’t make that bizarre noise when in use… unless dying rabbit noises are what gets you going. If so… we ask that you seek help. Please.

 

WTF Wednesday

Tonight’s WTF Wednesday is for all those Bros who felt personally victimized by Monday’s post.

This is yet another example of why dogs are better than kids. Strap a beer opener to your dog? You’re the dude everyone wants at their party. Strap a beer opener to your kid and suddenly CPS is involved. Apparently, this is not a novel concept because there are at least two different collars that have a bottle opener option. We were unable to find a single onesie with a bottle opener. Jussayin’.

The first option is pretty nifty, since it’s made out of recycled bike intertubes. For those afternoons when you’re chilling after a long morning thrift shopping on your fixed gear bike and drinking your micro-brew, just call over trusty Salinger and he’ll be happy to assist you in opening your hipsta-brew.

Option two is, in our opinion, the only acceptable retractable thing to attach to a dog… ever. Drinking brewskis with your bro-skis? Then this is the collar for you. Just pull it out and pop the top. Just be careful not to get ‘totally wasted’ and pop your dog when you open that last natty. Juggs won’t appreciate it.

 

 

Owner Profile: Abercrombie & Bitch Bro

Description:   

We all know him, most of us avoid him, that’s right, it’s the Abercrombie & Bitch Bro.   Equal parts “bro” and douchenozzle, the ABB obtained a dog with the sole purpose of picking up chicks.  While the ABB may genuinely enjoy his dog, he primarily views it as a means to a (happy) end(ing).

yeah….not so much

Common Locations:

Lurking at dog parks waiting to strike up conversation with female park-goers or sitting outside of coffee shops for extended periods of time, the ABB only walks his dog during peak times when the chances of seeing ladies jogging in sports bras is maximized.

She’s probably a Lesbian anyway….

Breeds Owned:

Labs, English Bulldogs, French Bulldogs, Boxers.  Basically anything smooshy and soft that women can’t seem to resist.

Bitches love when I snort. Bitches love Brachycephalic Syndrome.

Skill Level:

Low.  Given these individuals put little thought into getting a dog beyond the potential female-attraction quotient, the ABB has done very little research and even less training.  If they have trained their dogs, it’s to do things like fetch a beer (Natty Light, of course) out of the fridge or find a hot woman in a crowd.

 

Wardrobe:

“Trust Me I’m a Doctor” t-shirts, Polo shirts (collar popped),  cargo shorts, nautical themed flip-flops

 

Catch Phrases:

“Chicks love Winston!”, “Oh wow, Mugsy really likes you.  You must be pretty special”, “Did you see those sweater puppies?!”, “Duuuude”

Anecdotal Evidence:

 

BusyBee: I have a neighbor, let’s call him “Chad”, who is most certainly an ABB.  I’m fairly certain that he chose his dog (and subsequent dog-related pick-up lines) from reading askmen.com, GQ, and other male-friendly publications.  Everything about him is textbook ABB.  I mean, who walks their dog year round wearing flip-flops, a blazer, and novelty logo tees?   Granted, he never seems to actually walk his dog.  Instead he just kind of mills around the local park waiting for an unsuspecting woman to come up and ogle his Frenchie (and no, that’s not a euphemism).  While I’m sure he thinks he looks pretty slick hanging out in the park all day, he comes across more like that creepy dude that causes parents grab their children and flee.  I do occasionally see him snare a woman into his Frenchie trap, but it never seems to last long.  Apparently even a cute dog isn’t enough to make this guy tolerable for more than a few minutes.

Pretty sure this *is* a euphemism.

Potnoodle:  I go to a university in which Greek Life is a fairly big deal and last semester I was in class with an ABB. Classic Bro, he was a frat boy from his boat shoes to the frosted tips of his gelled hair  His english bulldog (Named Juggs… I wish I was joking) was basically the frat dog and I’m pretty sure he survived on cheetos and beer. He and his ABB owner could often be seen hanging out on the quad, watching the girls playing ultimate frisbee. I often saw girls go up to pet the dog, so apparently his plan was working.

Hey Gurl

WTF Wednesday

Not gonna lie.  We actually kind of loved this.

What’s that, you say?

Besides a glorious topknot.

 

It’s one of the new ads for a luxury pet hair care line called Wildwash.

We must admit that we had never heard of them before this, but consider us intrigued.  Mainly we want to see more breeds.   A Bichon could be epic, right?  What about a Pekingese? An Afghan?  The options are endless.

If Wildwash can’t make that happen, our male friends better watch out, because we’re coming at you with wiggies, grooming shears, and a whole lot of hairspray!

Introducing the Puli

 

Love it or hate it?  What breeds would you want to see? Share below in the comments!

 

Sex Toy or Dog Toy Saturday

So remember yesterday when we said we were done mentioning tentacle porn….

We lied.   So, which is an innocent toy meant for dogs and which comes to you from a dark corner of the wide world of web?

Option A

 

Option B

This week is a tricky one, but our longtime players and sex toy experts know that option A is the sex toy… we think. Option B is still looking pretty sketchy to us. It even has a flared base for safety. On the other hand, we’re pretty sure option A is made from a discarded Kong mold from their Squeezz JELS line.

He would have been on the end, but he got sent to the wrong factory.

Ten Things You Should Really Stop Doing

You may have noticed. We’re pissy people. Shit annoys us. Here’s a short list of what’s annoying us lately. We reserve the right to expand on any of them later.

1. Using Acronyms and industry-babble you don’t really have a grasp on .

LAM, LAT, BAT, CC/DS, OC, R+, P-, VSR, DOR, and so on.   We get that acronyms are an easy way to remember complex terms, but if you are using multiple in one sentence it just becomes alphabet soup.  And if you don’t understand these terms and continue to throw them around, we’ll notice.  It doesn’t make you look smart to toss around acronyms at a rapid-fire pace…it just makes it look like you are trying too hard.  We have a fun acronym that should maybe be inserted into some of the more acronym-laced forums we read….STFU.

2. Using Hopeless cases as the mascot of your rescue.

You know what’s great for getting dogs adopted?  Social media exposure. Seriously, it does wonders. You know what doesn’t help? Keeping a dog alive just so it can push your rescue. For every four thousand dollar drive you have for that albino, blind/deaf chihuahua with a seizure disorder, cleft palate, legless, with a hole in its heart you could save ten other perfectly happy healthy dogs. We get that people are dumb, they need a case to put their money behind but you are prolonging the suffering of that dog. Stop it.

Quick, capture it. We’ll make a killing when we post the photo on facebook.

3. Stop posting pictures of horribly abused dogs on Facebook

Bombarding your Facebook friends with graphic images accomplishes one thing. It makes us want to de-friend you or block your posts.  It’s not that we aren’t sensitive to the plight of abused animals, but there are better ways to raise awareness than making us ill whenever we log on to Facebook. In fact, just about anything is more effective than clogging up Facebook feeds of people who ignored you in high school. Talk to your legislature about increasing penalties for animal abuse, be on the lookout for animal abuse in your own neighborhood, talk to your children about the proper way to treat animals.  And if you must post a story on Facebook, please leave the photo out.

4.  Over-using the word “reactive”

Let’s look at the word first. Reactive. Google tells us it means showing a reaction to a stimulus. So, unless your dog is catatonic or dead, let’s hope he is reactive. Go ahead, go poke him. We’ll wait. Did your dog wake up? Good. We all have reactive dogs, let’s invest in front hook harnesses and pounds of beef liver. We kid, we kid. Every tool has a use, blah blah blah. Your dog barking or even snapping at a rude dog in its space? Yeah, that’s reactive. That’s also PERFECTLY normal. We’ve touched on that, we won’t rehash it here. Your dog isn’t just reactive to dogs that get all up in his business, you say? He’s willing to go over a fence and chase a dog down eighty yards? Well then your dog isn’t just reactive, he’s over reacting and he’s being an asshole. Stop blaming it on the latest buzz-word in dog training.

5.  Baiting fights in internet forums by mentioning Cesar Millan.

“That was a really productive Cesar conversation!” said no one ever.  For real.  We know that he is a controversial figure and that there are clear factions for and against him, but we’re pretty sure that every possible talking (yelling?) point has been touched on by now, so continuing to post questions in dog forums like “What do you think about Cesar Millan” is just asinine.  Do you really think there will be some breakthrough the 10 millionth time people get in internet screaming matches over him?  Probably not, but you do know you are sure to get a lot of responses.  We can’t help but think that people who frequently post about him are just giant attention whores.

Clearly a much better use of your time.

6. Analyzing Dog Body Language in one photo.

A Picture’s Worth a Thousand Words, right? That doesn’t mean we need a damn essay on someone else’s photo just because you can  see the white of one of the eye’s of the dog. Unless someone asked for your advice… It’s none of your damn business. Follow thumper’s rule, This isn’t a one man/woman crusade to save every dog from every uncomfortable photographed moment. It’s one moment in time, and you have no idea of the situation… calm down.

Don’t mock it, he’s sensitive

7. Calling balanced training abuse.

Everyone is allowed to have an opinion, and when it comes to dog training… everyone does. That’s cool, we have an opinion too. What you SHOULDN’T do is call a training method you don’t agree with “abusive”. We’d show you actual abuse but that violates rule three. When you use it to describe a training method, you cheapen the word.

Honestly, we’re just really amused by this picture.

8.  Making shit up.

The internet is a vast and wondrous place, made smaller by search engines like Google.  It’s pretty darn easy to figure out if people’s stories are inconsistent with the truth, or at least with what they have said on other internet platforms.   You’re calling your dog a wolf hybrid on one forum when you’ve previously referred to them as a purebred Akita on another forum?   You say your dog has titled in AKC?  Your dog saved the mayor of a small town by rescuing him from a well (oh wait, that’s Lassie)?  Guess what…it’s pretty easy to confirm.

We recently got our TTX, Time Traveler Excellent.

9.  Make Animated Dog/People Hybrids

Nothing creeps us out more than those weird animations where you can put your dog’s head on a human body and post it all over dog forums.  We really don’t need to see your Shiba as a Rockette or your Lhasa as a sexy nurse.   That type of thing should stay relegated to the dark corners of the internet along with squid porn.

Last tentacle porn joke for a while, we promise.

10. Publicly Shaming/Judging people on the origin of their dog.

Can we repeat the “none of your damn business” thing one more time? If you must judge, judge silently. If the dog came from a shitty breeder, it’s too late to do anything about. If it came from a good breeder and you wanted it to come from rescue, It’s STILL too late and you’d be an asshole. If it came from a rescue and you think it should have come from a breeder, you’re probably an even bigger asshole. Moral of the story is, you’re not going to change someone’s mind about their dog by publicly flaming them.  So just stop.