Sex Toy Saturday Round 5

Sex Toy Saturday

 

Ok minions, it’s on.  Which is the dog toy?

 

This is a tricky one…

Option A

Option B

 

Option B is the dog toy.  Kong has done it again, this time with the “Squeezz Stick”, which if we’re being honest, sounds like the name of a sex toy far more than it does a dog toy.  The bumps seem to say “ribbed for her pleasure”  while the shape says…well, we’re not quite sure we can say what the shape says.  According to the Kong website, the Squeezz stick “comes in four vibrant colors” and is loads of fun to play with.  Loads…hehe.  Option A, while eerily similar to the Kong product, is called a “Pepper Bumpy”.   Much like the Kong, it too comes in several vibrant colors and is designed for “phenomenal play”.

Types of Dog Forum Users

Even a brief foray into the world of internet dog forums can be quite an adventure.  Any type of internet forum has their own standard issues, trolls, and so on, but we’re pretty sure that dog forums bring out the worst and weirdest in people.  When navigating these internet forums, it is often helpful to understand what type of people you are likely to encounter.  The Dog Snobs are glad to offer a field guide to ensure your safety when delving into the dangerous world of dog forums.

 

The Know-It-All

The Know-It-All (or KIA for our purposes) is the internet equivalent of that guy you avoid at parties. Got a question? A KIA has the answer, usually in conjunction with a story long enough to bore you to death. Got an answer? The KIA does too and it’s better than yours because theirs has unicorns, so ‘Ha!’. The big difference between a KIA and a relatively normal poster is broken down into four easy to remember categories. Firstly, the KIA isn’t in it to answer the question asked, they’re in it to talk about themselves. The story usually only has a vague connection to the original question and it really may not relate at all. Secondly, KIA’s have the uncanny distinction of having done absolutely everything in a universe where time apparently doesn’t exist and you are immediately successful at everything you touch. Experience and activities usually overlap so badly (and nonsensically) the only logical assumption is a time machine. We get multi-sport crossover but there are only so many hours in a day and announcing that your dog not only cured cancer but ran a marathon in 20 minutes just isn’t keeping up the facade successfully. Thirdly, the KIA’s go to defense from criticism is the filibuster. Disagree with their assessment? There will be a fourteen page diatribe responding to your critique, while still not actually answering the question. Lastly, KIAs rarely if ever have actual proof of these accomplishments. Googling them will turn up nothing. In fact a little bit of internet stalking frequently turns up proof of what they haven’t done. Pieces of their stories won’t fit or something will set off your bullshit detector and then it’s just a competition to see who can get the person to backtrack fastest. KIAs will often “substantiate” their answers with posts that end with references to friends or relations who are scientists, references, authority figures, or anyone with direct experience about the question being asked. Despite the fact that anecdotal evidence doesn’t have as much weight as actual authority references, KIAs insist on being “right” all the time.

And then my Chiunicorn saved the planet in a perfect focused heel.

The Nit-Picker

The Nit-Picker is annoying in the process of clarifying an issue. Really, that’s all there is to say. While they may not actually correct your grammar, if you use a word they deem incorrect, you will be getting  first hand smack-down on your incorrectness. The Nit-Picker is also excessively concerned with word usage when in many instances the person has explained their (not actually incorrect) understanding of the word and used it accordingly. They’ve turned patronization into an artform. Rest assured however, if you’ve been victimized by the Nit-Picker, it’s usually not because you’re wrong, it’s because they dislike you personally.

“I just hate that you breathe”

The Professional

Not unlike the Know-it-All, The Professional has a lot to say but weirdly, not a lot of it is helpful. This person claims to get paid to work with dogs but a short conversation makes you wonder if their clients actually exist. Their total lack of understanding of simple concepts baffles the mind. The Professional can be either innocuous and open to suggestion or absurdly reckless.They start most forum posts by proclaiming their profession and how that makes what they are saying more correct than any of the other posters.

 

He’s sitting! Good Sit!

Sympathy Seeker

Recognizable by their frequent posts complaining of the latest malady afflicting their dog, the Sympathy Seeker appears to use the internet as a tool to receive digital hugs.   Every affliction, ranging from a broken eyelash to constipation, is presented in a most-dramatic fashion.  Sympathy from fellow forum users only seems to hasten the frequency of their posts, each one a little more fantastical than the last.  It doesn’t take long before people begin to wonder if this is in fact the unluckiest dog and owner in the history of the world, or if Munchausen By Proxy indeed exists with dogs.

Pretty sure this dog has Swine Flu…. maybe ebola.

 

Shit Stirrers

The Shit Stirrer frequents dog forums with the sole purpose to ask inflammatory questions that are bound to cause trouble.  Seemingly benign questions such as ‘What do you think about Cesar Milan?” are actually calculated inquiries meant to cause a cat-fight (dog-fight?) among forum users.  The Shit Stirrer knows exactly what the hot button topics are and makes sure that each and every one is thrown into the mix as fodder for “discussion”.  These individuals usually don’t actually want answers to their questions and will seldom follow up after their shit-stirring original post, but rather they like to sit back and watch the fur fly.

Little known fact, this is actually the Second greatest. The greatest is on a forum called…. Wait… we can’t mention names? damn.

 

Training Terrorists

Even a newbie in the dog world is aware that there are several different lines of thought when it comes to dog training and that each side has fervent supporters.  The Training Terrorist is someone on any side of the training spectrum who absolutely refuses to see any middle ground or consider different perspectives.  They will look at like you kick puppies for fun if you use the word “no”, or on the other side of the spectrum, think you are cookie-pusher if you use rewards based training.  To these people, regardless of what side of the training spectrum they fall on, training in a way not totally in line with their beliefs is viewed as a personal affront, and they will use any tactic necessary to try to convince the other side that they are right.   There is no such thing as a gray area for the Training Terrorist, and suggesting as much is tantamount to heresy.

The Sycophant

Unlikely to be found fighting their own battles on dog forums, the sycophant is much more concerned with sucking up to certain other forum users (usually the Know-it-all or Training Terrorist).  It is often unclear what their own beliefs are, since they have so closely aligned themselves with others and tend to parrot their posts. These are the annoying sidekicks of the internet forum world.

 

The Total Novice

1001 questions on every little thing. Not entirely sure they know what a dog actually is. These are often children and have their first dogs. Instead of seeking a trainer, they take any and all advice from other forum users. If they stick around, they usually evolve into the sycophant category, with their nose planted firmly up a KIA or Professional’s ass.

 

The Victim

This person seems a normal poster until someone’s opinion counters their’s, then they run screaming. Every other poster is a bully and is picking on them. They often run crying to the moderators and are rarely told to suck it up. They never stomp off, always coming back for more “abuse”.

*sobs*

 

The Defensive Dog Owner

The Defensive Dog Owner is the person who routinely asks questions, and when they don’t like the advice they get, they become livid and launch a full attack on anyone who dare suggests that they aren’t doing things correctly.  It not entirely clear why this person even asks for advice since clearly they aren’t amenable to actually taking it.   The Defensive Dog Owner is usually short-lived on dog forums, as they tend to remove themselves (often in a blaze of hateful glory) from the site when people call them on their bad attitude and inability to take constructive criticism.

“I asked, but I’m not listening!

The Lying Loon

The Lying Loon is a somewhat regular entity on internet dog forums.   Although they can fly under the radar initially, anyone paying an ounce of attention will begin to realize that their stories simply don’t add up.  Each post on the forum tells an even more wildly unbelievable story, and usually contradicts a prior post.  This makes sense however, because it is awfully hard to keep track of so many lies.  When called out on their inconsistencies, the Lying Loon will take a break from the site, but not for long.  Their desire to lie to complete strangers on the internet overrides any common sense, and before you know, they are back online spinning a new web of lies and infuriating observant forum users.

The Multiple Personality

When other forum users don’t agree with the MP, they create alternate accounts to back themselves up. This particular quirk appears in posters ranging from those  that are very obviously the same person to posters that go to great effort to hide that it is all one crazy person.

 

Active on a dog forum? Tell us which ones we missed!

WTF Wednesday

It’s Wednesday, and that means it’s time for you guys to wonder about what exactly is in our search history. (Spoiler Alert: A lot of sex toys.)

“Fuck My Life”

It’s a fanny pack…. for dogs. A Fido Pack, if you will. We don’t know about you guys, but we here at The Dog Snobs have dogs with working legs. That means when we go for our daily power walks, we strap on our sweat bands and leg warmers like it’s 1985 . However, we don’t usually strap our dogs to our sides, despite how much Potnoodle’s I would really be in to that. Does that dog look happy? He kinda looks like one of those sad horses they airlift out of mud pits… The pressure points are weird and we’re pretty sure the dog is getting nothing out of it, besides his life long dream of being taller than all the other dogs.

Ten Things *NOT* to say while visiting an animal shelter.

If you want to pretty much guarantee that you will not be going home with a dog from an animal shelter, saying any combination of the following should do the trick.  (Note: These are all things BusyBee has been told or overheard while volunteering at the shelter)

 

1.  “I love dogs.  In fact, my dogs have had had several litters”

 Bragging about the multiple accidental litters your intact dogs have had the past few years is really uncouth in a shelter.  Know thy audience.

 

2. “Who around here does cropping and docking?”

Yeah…..I’ve been asked this about adult dogs before.  Asking about docking and cropping an adult dog certainly raises some red flags about your intentions, humanity, and common sense.

3.  “I’m looking for a guard dog.”

 We want all of our dogs to be loving members of a family.  Keeping your dog tied outside on a chain is not something we will allow our dogs to do.  If you insist on having a guard dog, find somewhere else to get a dog.  We will not knowingly adopt out a dog into that kind of situation.

That’s more like it.

4.  “Is it alright if I let my kid go in the kennel and tug on the dog’s tails and ears to see how it responds?”

 Ummm…no.  Seriously.  Just….no.

 

 

5.  “Is there anyway you can send this dog home without being neutered?”

 All dogs coming out of our shelter will be spayed or neutered.  Deal with it.  And if you don’t like that, adopt elsewhere.  We don’t make exceptions.

 

6. “I know it says not to touch the animals, but I figured it wasn’t a big deal”

See those signs on each kennel door that say “Please do not touch the dogs”?  Yeah, that means you.  Please do not place hands, fingers, toes, or noses through the kennel doors.  Seriously.  And don’t think I don’t see you doing so when I turn my back for a second.

 

 

7. “Look, this dog freaks out when I put my hat on and stare at him.  Wanna see?”

It is not funny or cute to knowingly freak out a dog, most of which are already stressed out by being in the shelter in the first place.  Shoving your face in theirs, staring them down, or laughing at them as they bark is really uncool. If you notice that a dog is scared or reactive towards you, kindly step away.

 

“Make the Idiot go away”

8.  “Our last three dogs didn’t work out because they were too much work.”

 Oh sure, let’s give you a 4th dog that will be returned as soon as you realize that it too pees, poops, and requires exercise.   Dogs take work, and we’re pretty sure at this point you are unwilling to put the effort in to any dog, so you certainly aren’t going to take one of ours just to dump it back in the shelter a few weeks later.

“Perhaps you’d prefer our high tech model? Unlike a real dog, you can just remove the batteries when it requires you to get off the couch.”

9.  “That adoption fee is too much.  Can I strike a bargain?”

Please do not try to haggle with us over adoption fees. The adoption fee that we ask doesn’t even begin to cover what we spend on each dog.  We neuter/spay, groom, deworm, heartworm test, vaccinate, microchip, treat injuries and illness, buy quality dog food, bowls, tags, collars, leashes, heartworm and flea preventative, crates and anything else we need.  Also, if you can’t afford, or aren’t willing to pay the $150 to adopt a dog, I have serious doubts you can afford a dog in the long run.

 

10.  “I can’t wait to surprise my girlfriend with a puppy!”

No, you may not get a dog as a gift for someone.  Seriously, worst idea ever.  Don’t even ask us. Do you know how many dogs get returned when the recipient of the gift is either not prepared to deal with the dog, allergic, or just unwilling to keep it?  Dogs are commitments, not a substitute for having forgotten to get flowers on your way home from work.

 

“Next time, try a nice card or a bottle of merlot.”

Sex Toy or Dog Toy? Round 4

 

A)

B)

If you guessed option A as the dog toy, you would be correct.   We must admit that option B is remarkably (and creepily) similar.  Seriously.  Who designs these things?!

 

The dog toy is “Toys R Us Pets Suction Cup Surprise”, and according to their website, it is designed to “stimulate and entertain”.  The website also claims that it is fun to set the suction cup and watch your dog play with itself.  We really aren’t sure we want to know what the surprise part is referring to.

 

Potnoodle actually owns this toy and her dog I is a fan.  Check him out having loads of entertaining and stimulating fun below!

 

Dog Breed Pros and Cons

Here at the dog snobs, we aren’t just snobby about people. We do a whole lot of breed-wide judging. Not to be accused of kennel blindness or anything akin to it, we’ve decided to compile a list  of pro and cons about our chosen breeds.

 

BusyBee:

 

Chosen Breed(s):  Pitbulls (yes, I realize that it is not technically a breed, but go with me….), pit mixes, bully types.  For the sake of this blog  I will be referring to “pitties” as a general type of dog that could include several breeds (American Pit Bull Terrier, American Staffordshire Terrier, mixes of these breeds, etc).

 

Why I chose this breed:  I admit that I entered the “pittie” world rather haphazardly after falling in love with Mr. T’s little puppy face at an adoption event.  His personality shined at the adoption event–he was outgoing, brave, wiggly, and very people-focused, all things that I would eventually learn were hallmark traits of pitties.  It wasn’t until getting him and doing extensive research (yes, I know, in a perfect world research should be done before getting a dog) that I realized I had inadvertently found the kind of dog that suits me rather well.   Volunteering at the shelter and interacting with dozens of pitties has only reaffirmed that these are the dogs for me.

Pros:  

 

1) Across the board, the pitties I have met are incredibly happy, affectionate, cuddly, and eager to please.  These dogs were born to love and they go about it with an incredible level of devotion and joy. These are dogs that want nothing more than to be with you (or in Mr. T’s case, on top of you) and find being with their people more rewarding than just about anything else.  Although it can border on clingy (I call Mr. T a velcro dog), pitties will worship the ground you walk on and will let you know how much they love you at any given moment.  There’s no guessing what these dogs are thinking–it’s written all over their wiggle butts and huge pittie grins.

 

Mr. T loves his mama.

2) Pitties are the consummate clown of the dog world.   They approach life with such sheer joy that it’s almost impossible to not be happier when in the company of one.   They are complete attention whores and love to soak up attention.  It never fails that each pittie I meet has their own quirk that makes me laugh hysterically.  These are dogs that are full of personality and know how to turn on the charm.  Mr. T has become a celebrity amongst my friends and neighbors in part due to his silly antics and clownish approach towards life.

Derp

3) Enthusiasm is a pittie’s  middle name.  Most will chase Frisbees, fetch sticks, run after balls, tussle with their family members, and, generally play until they drop. These dogs are FUN.  They are truly young-at-heart and never outgrow their fun-loving spirit.  They are active dogs that will take on any challenge you give them and do so with a smile.  I refer to Mr. T as my ‘adventure’ dog because he literally will try anything, and does so with reckless abandon.

 

Wheeeeee!

Cons:  

 

1)  If potential dog aggression/reactivity is a deal-breaker for you, then this is not your breed.  That is not to say that all pittie/bully types will display this behavior, but you do have to acknowledge the possibility of it developing and take steps to prevent it from becoming an issue.  Mr. T is actually rather dog social (getting more selective as he gets older), but I am always watching his body language and behavior in order to ensure that I am not missing any signs of discomfort/aggression.  I don’t personally consider it a con, but owning one means you have to go above and beyond in terms of socialization, and many people do not want this extra work or responsibility.

 

Learn it, Live it

2)  The biggest downside to owning a pittie is quite frankly the stigma attached to them.  You have to have (or develop, as I did) a thick skin when you owned a much-maligned breed.  I was honestly not prepared when I first got Mr. T for the nasty comments, people avoiding us on the streets, and general reactions of people when they found out that I owned a pittie   Because of the stigma associated with them, it is imperative that pittie owners and their dogs be ambassadors, which often means that our dogs have to be “better” than others just to not be seen as monsters.   It’s a lot of responsibility and it’s understandable that a lot of people aren’t prepared for, or don’t want to deal with the issues that come along with owning a pittie.

 

Potnoodle

Chosen Breed(s): While I plan to own many breeds in my lifetime, the breed I currently have is Standard Poodles.

 

Why I chose this breed: When I got my first standard, L, I had been in the company of border collies and a border collie/ australian cattle dog mix for way too long. L was given to me by a teacher that knew I worked for a groomer at the time. I was going to use L as a competition grooming dog and maybe dabble in a little agility with her. Now, I have two standards and can’t see myself going back to border collies.

 

Pros:

1) Poodles have personality plus. They’re hilarious and really enjoy making you laugh. They are absolute attention hogs and their hijinks makes sure the attention stays on them. Both of mine have their little tricks and acts that make me laugh everyday. A poodle is a constantly happy dog, nothing can dampen that spirit.

That face. All. The. Time.

 

2) If cleanliness is next to godliness, I’ll anxiously await my dog’s sainthood. They are tidy, no smell, no shedding. I hear people talk about having hair all over their clothes and I’m not completely unfamiliar with the concept thanks to my cattle dog mix. However, I’ve been shedding free lately thanks to the poodle. I’m pretty sure I shed more than they do.

Well… after the bath anyway.

 

3) Intelligence is a huge pro on the poodle. They are quite often proclaimed as the second smartest breed and I believe it. They pick up behaviours quick and really thrive off of pleasing their people.

Smart… with a dash of nerdy.

Cons;

1) All that hair. I mentioned above that poodles don’t shed? Yeah… the hair keeps growing. Forever. That means you either have to have the cash to get it cut, the inclination to do it yourself, or the patience to deal with cording. Even with cording, some parts of the dogs still have to be cut. Hair even grows out of poodles ears, and has to be plucked to keep the ear canal healthy.

So much hair…

 

2) They can be downright naughty. They get bored, just like any other dog, and have no issue destroying things. They will demand your attention, good or bad. They aren’t a traditional working breed, but they do have to be kept entertained.

Can she see me?

 

Fang

 

Chosen Breed(s): I have four dogs in four different breeds but only two were deliberate acquisitions, so we’ll focus on my girly who’s an Australian Cattle Dog.

 

Why I chose this breed: I got my two bigger dogs for performance events. I deliberately chose driven, high energy dogs to be competitive in obedience, agility and whatever else happened to come my way. I grew up with Shelties (too much hair for me, thanks) had my Golden Retriever until late teenage years and then remained dogless through university mostly by circumstances. The cattle dog had been on my radar since high school and I toyed with the idea of one for a long time before emailing a rescue about a particular dog. They suit me perfectly and my house will never be without one.

 

Pros:

 

1) Cattle dogs are pretty. They are truly a gorgeous dog albeit utilitarian. No two look exactly alike and their ticking and masks and Bentley marks (The white spot you’ll frequently see on the top of their heads) make a striking contrast. I do prefer the lighter boned dogs but the heavier conformation squareness has its own appeal.

 

2) Cattle dogs are owner oriented. These dogs love their people. They may not all show it the same way but they bond tightly to their humans and many times seem like mind-readers. They want to be with you and more importantly working with you. They are extremely sensitive to their handler’s emotions and are adept at reading a situation. Owner is probably not-accurate since these dogs are the ultimate team players, and would probably take offense at their opinions not being held in the same regard as another contributing member of a household.

 

3) Cattle dogs are incredibly intelligent. If your cattle dog doesn’t pick up something in short order, you’re doing something wrong and you need to try something else. Things are never boring with a cattle dog thinking through a problem.

Cons

 

1) Cattle dogs are incredibly intelligent. Theirs is an immensely trying version of intelligence however. It’s a practical and sneaky intelligence that can get them into immense trouble very easily. Leave a car window open? Your ACD has gotten in through the window and eaten all the groceries. Shut them in their crate in the bathroom? You’re coming home to a new dog tunnel through the drywall.

 

2) Cattle dogs are independent. As a dog who was originally bred for dangerous work, a cattle dog required a fair amount of independent thought. They’d need to problem solve on their feet in order to avoid trampling and as such have a decided streak of ‘I’ve got a better idea’ in most of their thought processes. A simple run through the agility course becomes “But it’s faster to the tunnel if I take these jumps” and an Open obedience run becomes “Let’s skip the middle-man, I’ll take the dumbbell to the judge for you!”. If you lack the sense of humor and willingness to ‘Just roll with it’ a cattle dog will never be for you.

3) Cattle dogs are the fun police. If it’s not explicitly written in the cattle dog handbook of ‘Things that are allowed to happen according to my Mama and Me too’, it will not be cool with a cattle dog. Aside from their general propensity towards dog aggression (Most cattle dogs are not dog-park friendly) cattle dogs are nitpickers. They don’t like it when things aren’t ordered, scheduled, stamped, and signed-off on in triplicate (You can keep the green form). They tend to approach life very seriously and that makes it difficult if you want to have a dog who just loves everybody… That’s not the norm for them and expecting it will leave you disappointed.

4) They will bite the crap out of you… That’s sorta important.

Get used to it

**We want to hear from you!  What are your chosen breeds and their pros and cons?  Share in the comments section!**

WTF Wednesday

If you need a contraption like this to deal with dog poop, Get a Ficus.

Human Shaming: The Dog Snob Edition

By now, most of you have probably seen the website known as “Dog Shaming”, where people share stories about the naughty things their dogs did.   Here at The Dog Snobs, we are not immune from these often embarrassing moments.  We’re actually fairly certain that some of our dogs actually bathe in the glory of making us look like idiots.   Here are a just a few examples of the ways in which our dogs like to bring us shame.

BusyBee:

 I honestly don’t really know where to begin.  Mr. T is a dog that likes to make a scene–a real center of attention type.  Always has been.  He’s a complete ham and will “show off” for people if he senses they find him amusing.  Usually this ends up being at my expense.  If I had to choose the three most embarrassing things Mr. T has done to me, they would be (in no particular order):

Indecent exposure:   Mr. T came to me as a pup with a bad habit of tugging on clothes, and although we had been working on it, this unfortunate “trick” was still likely to make an appearance when he got overly excited.  One morning while out on a walk, we passed by a bunch of construction workers who wanted to come say hi to him.  Apparently having a bunch of men in construction hats cooing over him was just too much to bear, so he jumped up, tugged the back of my pants, and dragged them all the way down to my ankles.  In the daylight.  In front of about 20 construction workers. Yep.  This all resulted in a few whistles and cat-calls and me grabbing Mr. T and running back inside as quickly as I could.  I spent the next few weeks slipping out the back entrance of our building so I could avoid my new fan club.

Shitting at the Ritz:   On one of our daily walks as a young pup, I decided to take Mr. T on a stroll through our neighborhood, which was lined with fancy hotels.  We were walking merrily on our way when suddenly, and in the middle of the circular driveway for the Ritz Carlton, Mr. T stopped and had epic diarrhea.  As I sat there mortified trying to figure out how to clean it up, I was immediately greeted by several disgruntled doorman as well as a handful of really disgusted hotel patrons waiting for their limos to come pick them up.  Except the limos didn’t dare pull up since Mr. T’s mess was smack dab in their way.  I apologized profusely, cleaned up what I could, and scurried out of there.  Not that I’m the type of person to hang out at the Ritz anyway, but I’m pretty sure I was black-listed there after this incident.

Tourist Trap:  And there was the time that we unwittingly became the highlight of a large group of Japanese tourists visiting the Washington monument.  Sigh.   Mr. T went through a phase (fine, like a two year streak) of flopping emphatically on the ground and refusing to move when he didn’t want to leave what we were doing.  Given he weighs 75 pounds, this usually meant that I would wait it out until he decided that getting moving again was more rewarding than playing mule.  However, this time, right as he started to throw a tantrum, a group of roughly 50 Japanese tourists stopped dead in their tracks to look at us, and before I knew it, cameras were flashing, people were giggling, and a few brave souls even had their pictures taken next to Mr. T (who was still playing mule) and me.  The more they huddled around us and laughed, the more Mr. T ate it up.  He tends to think any attention is good attention, so he stayed on his side, wagging, and mugging for the crowd.  Now, I don’t speak Japanese so I didn’t know for sure what they were saying, but I am pretty sure that we ended up on quite a few of their vacation slideshows.

Fang:

I tend to block out the many ways in which my dogs have embarrassed me and generally speaking I have fairly biddable creatures. They’re fairly content to come along quietly so generally speaking their transgressions tend to be minor.

The Closet: I tend to bring my larger two dogs to work. Z is fairly content to hang around the desk (and in fact has a bed underneath it for uninterrupted napping). M is 1) Too large 2) Too exuberant and 3) Too much of a Malinois to appreciate people reaching over the desk, and as such he can either be in the grooming area or he goes out to daycare to run out his zoomies. This particular morning was unusual in that grooming was too busy to accommodate him and daycare was not running because of inclement weather so M was hanging out in the office. Inside the office is a large walk-in closet with some shelves and some boxes and not a lot else. Several dogs came in at once to get nails dremeled, one of which dislikes M intensely, so being inventive, I shuffled M into the closet to wait while we sorted out who was in the office. After returning the first of the six dogs from their pedicure, a noticeable odor had permeated the office. Three of us wandered around trying to locate the inevitable poop pile, but put it down to one of the dogs having gas. As the smell intensified after each dog, we all quickly turned into bloodhounds trying to locate it as even clients were commenting. As you can predict, I traced the smell to the single locale I had been dreading. Inside the closet looking pleased with himself sat M, surrounded by smears of the giant poop he’d taken on the floor. I grabbed his collar and shuffled him outside as quickly as I could manage but the evidence was all over him and the floor and the wall, in front of clients. It took over 15 minutes to clean and deodorize the area.

The CGC Test: M tackled the evaluator for kisses and hugs.

The Heel Free: Z heeled beautifully down one side of the ring in her first UKC Novice Obedience class. We took the left turn and she decided she wasn’t going to repeat herself, turned, trotted to the judge and sat in the center with her to watch me complete the heeling pattern sans dog. By the time I finished she was leaning on the judge’s leg. It was not a fun car ride home.

Potnoodle:

 At this point, I’m basically immune but I do have a few standout occasions.

Awkward Agility: The First time I remember being truly embarrassed by my dogs, was my first time in the agility ring. I set B, my cattle dog mix, up at the start , tossed her leash to the side and led out to the first obstacle. I looked back over my shoulder and called. B promptly turned, grabbed her leash, hopped over the first obstacle with leash in mouth and then turned and left the ring. My mother had to catch her going out of the ring, I was mortified.

Fancy, yet Farty: L is a lovely dog, very lady-like in movement and action. There is, however, one big divergence from her polite behaviour. She’s gassy. It rarely stinks, but it is always loud. It never fails that I ask her to sit and as soon as her bottom hits the floor she farts. I always get awkward looks. People assume it is me, I guess. I sometimes gesture half heartedly at L but I’ve given up mostly. I’ve been accused of blaming it on the dog. It wasn’t me, it was the dog. Really.

Putting on the Brakes:My most recent Dog Embarrassment is thanks to my boy, I. We compete in dock diving and he constantly makes fools of us. He hits the dock running, spinning around, screaming for his bumper. I set him up back at the 20 foot line, walk to the end of the dock, release him. He comes thundering down the dock, ninety miles an hour… and puts on the brakes. Nearly sliding in half the time. He then proceeds to scream and spin at the edge of the dock. I am constantly tempted to just push his ass off in the drink. Apparently, that’s frowned on. He does, eventually, go in. Not before eating up all of our time though.

What are your most embarrassing dog-related stories?  We want to hear them!

Sex Toy or Dog Toy?: You Be The Judge, Third Edition

Time for our third round of “sex toy or dog toy”.  We know you love this game.  Admit it.

A)

The demon plunger of rubber town.

B)

Urinal plunger? Whip? Pope swingy thing?

*Drum Roll*

If you chose “B” as the dog toy, you would be correct.  Option “A” is an anal douche (can we say that on the internet?!) If you are still confused, perhaps you can ask someone to draw you a diagram.  Just please don’t ask us.  We’ve already hit our uncomfortable quota for the day.

According to the Leerburg site (where you can find this gem), this puppy tug is “very flexible” and is approximately 12 inches long.  Not that size matters…(Pfft. Of course it does.).

Dog Related Craigslist Ads that Make us go “Huh?!”

Against our better judgment, all three of us at The Dog Snobs occasionally look at the “pets” section on Craigslist, and each time, we are reminded exactly why this is a such a bad idea.  Some of the posts are admittedly depressing, but in between wanting to throttle idiot dog owners, we consistently manage to find some particularly laughable posts. Between the atrocious spellings (pro tip:  you shouldn’t own a dog you can’t spell), made up breeds, and absurd stories behind the dogs, Craigslist pet ads are basically the “Walmart” of the dog world.   One doesn’t have to look far to spot the stupid.

Below are some of the most head-scratchingly awful ads we saw posted in the last week.

Ah yes, the elusive “purebread” dog.  Is it whole wheat? Pumpernickel? Perhaps a nice Rye?  We suddenly find ourselves hungry….

Hmmm…a Burmese, eh?  Like a snake? Oh… like a cat?  Color us confused.  Oh wait, and it’s mixed with a boarder collie.  That clears it all up.  Aaaaaaand you spelled mountain wrong.  Nicely done.

In line with text | Fixed position

So much wrong.  Chabrador.  Chiwawa.  The confusion as to how the dogs managed to mate.  Do you think a diagram would help?

This one is a two-fer.  A “miniature t-cup” that can’t breed or be fixed lest it dies (and yet owner claims it has no problems…mmmhmmmm) AND it falls into one of our naming pet peeve categories, “The Mismatch”.
Just so much wrong with this ad. Ignoring the numerous spelling mistakes…. they’re basically telling us that buying a dog from a breeder at a flea market is the same thing as rescuing an adult from a rescue. We aren’t sure what compelled the original poster to write this ad, but we’d like to.

If you don’t know how to spell the breed name, don’t get the breed. We’d like to petition that as a cardinal rule of dog ownership. Who’s with us?

 

Again with the spelling errors, but this ad has bigger issues going for it. Wolf? Really. We’ve removed the location for the protection of the idiots posting it but let me assure you… there are no wolves in central Alabama. None that are available to breed to your “Shepard” anyway.

 

Questionable ethics aside, this is a terrifying ad. Not only does the other dog in the photo look like she consumes human souls for sustenance, but the dog looking for a home is “short and stalky”. All the better for hiding in your bushes with some binoculars and a bottle of lotion.

 

While we proudly admitted our love of Toddlers & Tiaras, we aren’t quite sure this is what we had in mind.  Renting/lending out a puppy seems like a swell idea.  What could possibly go wrong?! You know, besides the havoc a young energetic puppy could wreak. Or the emotional damage dozens of screaming girls in cupcake dresses could inflict on said puppy. Either way, Potnoodle is searching for the location of this pageant with intentions to watch the fun.

Have any “favorite” breed misspellings of your own?  Find any local ads that make you want to bang your head on a wall?  If so, please share!  But pretty please, don’t post any identifiable information like contact information or names.  We’d really like to avoid inciting a hate crime.