Love the one you’re with, idiot.

“My next dog will be awesome!”

Low key and truthful.

A reasonable sentiment for most dog people.

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“My next dog will be super awesome at this thing I’m a novice at but I really like and I would love to continue this in the future!”

Get out your pen. We’re being awesome.

Also reasonable.

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“My next dog will be the best dog ever at this thing I’ve never really seen outside of youtube or the odd morning cable station but I’m pretty sure it’ll be a prodigy like Mozart or that kid I saw on Ellen! I read about it on the internet and therefore I know this to be true.”

It’s like this all the time.

Considerably less reasonable, also apt to piss off about 50 people who know more than you and aren’t in the mood to tell you all the ways you are wrong because it’s exhausting and they don’t feel like being “the meanest person ever”/’Hater/”just jealous!” before 9am.

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Occasionally Potnoodle gets a little song of her own invention stuck in her head while reading through facebook groups and forum posts. She has a horrible singing voice, so she won’t perform it for you. All you need to know is the title is “Train the one you’re with” and it goes to the tune of ‘Love The One You’re With’.

 

Answer us this, Dear Readers, what is it about young eager dog people that makes them constantly plan for the near-mythical next dog? The type of person that starts a sentence with “My next dog…” often has a perfectly good mixed breed/backyard bred lab-ish thing that is wasting his talent on occasional bouts of fetch and maybe a novice agility class while the owner sighs and dreams of Malinois and Border Collies yet to be.

 

No, we sit. That’s what flyball is; Sitting.

 

We get it. You have a dog who isn’t the class prodigy. It is too old, not as drivey as you think you deserve, too not interested, or doesn’t have the same aptitude for what you are trying to accomplish as that other woman’s border collie who is her 6th OTCH/MACH/HC/ONYX and obviously that’s the dog you need to succeed with…. Umm. No.

 

No one says this to novices.

 

Here’s the thing, most high drive dogs are a giant pain in the ass. You nod like you understand, but if you’ve never lived with it you have no clue. And you want to know the serious kick in the ass? Those super-high drive dogs are a bitch to train. You are bottling lightning with little regard for personal safety and a super interest in literally everything. The most successful performance dogs do not always have the highest drive… we know, shocker right? Also the more you bandy about the word drive, the more we hate you.

“I’m gonna need to take this because it’s mine and you are irrelevant to my purposes”

 

Did we also mention high drive dogs (Or even medium drive dogs) are assholes? Potnoodle and Fang can attest to teeth related injuries because one of the dumbasses decided they needed “THAT THING RIGHT NOW NOW NOW NOW!* and guess whose delicate and prone to bleeding teeny human fingers/wrists/legs got in the way? It’s not even the occasional asshole moment, it is a cavalcade of consistently assholic behavior packaged into a furry beast whose adorableness can and does wear very thin particularly when you’re prone on the ground writhing in agony because that bastard bit your pinkie again while taking you down at the knees over a tug toy and this time you swear you’ll file down his canines into divots! Did we also mention these are the fully trained adult dogs? Not even the assy adolescents? We joke about brain-damage to own some of these dogs but on some level, it’s really not a joke. These dogs are a lifestyle and while you’re just starting to walk, and really talking more about walking than making actual steps, it’s not a good idea to get an ultra-marathoner who already does everything better than you do.

 

Head wounds bleed profusely.

 

So here’s a secret. Your dog will be screwed up. It’s probably not the dog’s fault. It’s your fault and that’s okay! You’re new! You’re allowed to fuck stuff up. We’ve all done it. That affable pet you have now is going to be incredibly more forgiving (BusyBee can attest to this) than that super drivey hell beast you have planned for your next dog. Trust us. The woman on her 6th absurdly talented dog had a fat little Sheltie or Beagle or Lab who started her on the journey too.

Just to make sure it’s irreversible.

 

Another secret, no decent breeder is going to sell you a drivey hell beast if you haven’t done SOMETHING with a dog before. Decent being the key word here. Those who fall over themselves to hand you a dog, probably don’t actually own the drivey hell-beasts and haven’t seen it turn into nightmare scenarios with previous purchasers just like you. Sure, you can run out and get a crappy backyard bred dog of your desired breed, and then you get to use the excuse of his poor breeding and you’re back in “My Next Dog…” land. The lovely land of internet forums also makes it so you can also talk a good enough game to appear knowledgeable and fleece a good breeder who isn’t as naturally skeptical of buzzwords as others. That makes you an asshole.

And our readers, obviously.

 

Basically kids, you need to learn what it is that you really want, rather than what you think you want. So you think you might want a Bordernoisterriattle Shepherd? Go visit people with them. Make nice. See if you can borrow or dog sit for a day or even just hang out. Talk to owners about trials and tribulations. Compare battle scars (Not that you have any yet). That woman with six dogs who have more titles than you thought existed? She’s paid her dues in literal blood, sweat and tears. Until you’re bleeding, sweaty and crying, you don’t need that dog and we promise you, you really don’t want that dog just yet. Keep your training wheels on for a while yet and dance with the dog you came with.

Who says success only comes in one package?

 

So you want to start a dog forum fight…

We’ve all seen it.  A seemingly innocent question is asked in a dog forum and then suddenly….MASS CHAOS.  From shaming, to name calling (pro tip:  Please come up with something better than poopyhead if you ever want to be taken seriously.  We suggest assmarmot or shitweasel), to complete psychotic breaks, we’ve seen it all.  If you want to avoid being “that person” who flamed the fire, we suggest avoiding the following topics.  And alternatively, if you are a shit-stirrer like we suspect many of you are, take your pick!

1.Asking what people think of Cesar Millan

Ah, CM, the trolliest topics of all.  Guaranteed for at least 100 comments, 3 personal insults, and at least one mention of Hitler. Proceed with caution.

Truer words were never spoken.

 

2. Posting a picture of your child riding your dog like a pony.

This never ends well. For bonus rage, mention neighbourhood pony dog races and ask where to buy a custom dog saddle that is lightweight and comfortable.

 

3. Ask if Kibbles-n-Shits is a good dog food.

People get crazy when it comes to what they feed their dogs.   We’ve literally seen people refer to kibble as ‘death nuggets’ before in forums.  DEATH NUGGETS. We’re pretty sure some of the funniest and most outlandish forum fights stem from what starts as a simple discussion of canine nutrition (or lack thereof).

 

4. Mention getting a dog anywhere but a reputable breeder or rescue 

Was your breeder reputable? Were they reputable… enough? It doesn’t matter if your breeder has 10 generations of CHIC numbers, All GrCh dogs and titles on the other end too…. someone will bring up SOMETHING. And they’ll judge you for it. To a lesser degree, this happens with rescues too but it’s much more evident in dogs from breeders.

Kid, you don’t know the half of it.

 

5. Bring up your training style.

Frankly, it doesn’t matter what your training style is.  Some people will love it.  Some will hate it.  Lines will be drawn and a war of words will begin.

I only use organic, free-range clickers

 

 

6.  Proclaim your love (or hate) for Doodles.

Do we even have to explain this one? It’ll mostly be Potnoodle yelling at you, but if that’s how you get your jollies, who are we to judge?

Just read our past blogs for evidence.

For another post on the shit-shows that are dog forums, check out our post on the types of people who use dog forums.

 

That’s a lot of -Insert Breed Here-: The National Breed Specialty, Fang and you.

So a crazy-ass boss (Not mine) and vehicular concerns (Very much mine) have shortened my trip to my breed’s National specialty somewhat suckily I figured I’d offer a recap on my findings and some hints that may make it moderately less crushingly awkward (Or more so because I am not an un-awkward individual) to attend your next or first breed-event. So just some quick things I feel were worthy of comment…

If you think I’m joking that works too.

1) Spectating is usually more fun than participating.

I came, I saw, I golf-clapped.

Time crunches and throwing dogs at people is the normal way of things at overbooked dog shows. While I’m personally all for entering what you feel comfortable in, don’t stretch yourself too thin. Two or three things a day is more than enough and often too much. It’s a very very long week even for spectating, so take a breath on the whirlwind tour and give yourself a day to acknowledge how interesting the dogs, and probably more importantly the people are in your breed. Don’t be compelled to participate in everything, however tempting. Under-booking is a less stressful experience than overbooking.

2) Everyone’s dog is wonderful and don’t you forget it.

All the time.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but for many people, most of whom you will meet at specialties, their Snookums Sugar-Pie Price of My Heart hung the moon, invented the cell phone and is the lead litigator in the libel case against this blog for hurting their feelings. Even the vernacular is painful. Their dogs are flawless specimens of perfection and that’s all anyone will ever talk about (Other people’s dogs are fair game). If you’re looking to improve your knowledge, these are not the people who can assist you. It’s fairly easy to spot the bullshitters but people are more easily drawn in than one might expect. Honestly assessing your own knowledge level and comparing what you know to others in the breed *forever* is always a good policy and never will you get an opportunity like a National.

Also, don’t be that person. Everyone is proud of their dog. You don’t need to take out a banner ad and carry it with you from sunrise to sunset. Answer questions and celebrate your dog, but no one needs a minute by minute recap, or your assessment of the competition. Graciousness is a worthy goal. Bragging is annoying, and no one is as impressed by you as you are. There’s a fine line between excited and obnoxious. Tread carefully.

3) A picture isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

That these aren’t real is a source of great distress.

Holy crap do some dogs look entirely different from page to reality. It’s shocking how big a variance there is between printed and shared vs. human contact.

 

4) There is such a thing as offensively competitive.

Exactly.

If you’re going to a national to win and you are not in the top five ranking dog in your breed you’re quite possibly deranged. There are many many many reasons to attend a national, “winning” is obscenely low on the list. Tacky behavior* to get that win is frankly inexcusable, and usually doesn’t pay off.

5) Get your alone time in

Sometimes I can barely stand at the end of the day.

Unless you are so extroverted you can suck the life from the joy of others, make sure you get some time in by yourself. Go for a walk, bring the dogs and zone out for a bit. It’s an exhausting stretch of time. Fun, yes, but tiring.

6) Be a trend spotter

It is in fact that crazy.

Notice something weird happening in your breed? Make a note of it because it’s probably not going away. Weird heads? Bad Toplines? Bad rears? Bad temperaments? Yup, they’re back kids and they’re fairly inescapable if you’re not thinking about the future.

7) Applause is for everyone not just your friends

It really is that remedial

Nothing is more disheartening than crickets when you take your dog around the ring following thunderous applause. You don’t have to like the dog, respect the person or even care one way or the other to pull out your best golf clap and give each competitor their proper respect.

8) Be Useful

Woot!

You don’t have to solve the world’s problems but taking some initiative to help organizers or even fellow breed people isn’t rocket science.

9) Sleep as much as possible

It’s just not. Stop Trying.

You don’t get a special badge for doing it all on three hours a night even if you should.

9.5) Buy a damn catalog

Or you have to borrow and it’s annoying and you get yelled at when you make notes in it.

10) Don’t be a Tacky Bitch

It is.

This seriously bears repeating. If you have to think about whether or not it’s okay to do, it probably isn’t.

On the whole I’ll say the experience was entertaining with moments of eye-opening crazy. In conclusion, Tutus were worn, money was raised, dogs were (mostly) well behaved, I have enough ribbons to make a small ribbon nest, no one talked to me (Typical since I’m not social) and we didn’t shame ourselves. See ya next year, peeps.

Full on heel-click.

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*Also I haven’t forgotten about the shares t-shirt. Wit the Facebook change-over it’s not so easy to track shares but we’re figuring something out.

This is not Burger King, you cannot have it your way.

Supersize me!

We aren’t here to judge if you supersize your meal, or order a Happy Meal because you’re  broke and you like apples and chicken nuggets make great training treats… wait. That was a tangent. Moving on. Our point was that we really need you to stop custom sizing your dogs. And by ‘you’ we mean shitty breeders. And by custom sizing, we’re thinking of your tea cup Saint Bernards and your Royal Standard Poodles.

Not this kind

 

They say size doesn’t matter (that’s what she said), but apparently to many people it does.  What’s more special than a Malamute?  A Giant Malamute.  More precocious than a Lab?  A Miniature Lab.  From Pocket Beagles to Miniature Rottweilers, they’re pretty much making it all nowadays.

Among her vices, BusyBee counts an obsession (mostly so I can snark…I swear) with celebrity gossip.  So naturally she was among the first to see that Paris Hilton recently bought herself a micro-teacup Pomeranian.   Not just any micro-teacup Pomeranian, mind you, but the WORLD’S SMALLEST micro-teacup Pomeranian.  In case you’re sitting here thinking “Oooh, I need one”, let me take a second to give you some solid life advice: If you find yourself doing the same thing as Paris Hilton, it’s time to rethink your life choices.  

First of all, keep him out of the light, he hates bright light, especially sunlight, it’ll kill him. Second, don’t give him any water, not even to drink. But the most important rule, the rule you can never forget, no matter how much he cries, no matter how much he begs, never feed him after midnight.

I, Potnoodle, have standard poodles. I get the appeal of a dog breed that comes in multiple sizes but so often they’re bred by the shittiest of breeders. While visiting  Fang in another state that is not the state I live in, I always drive past the Miniature Dalmatians sign. Do you know any responsible breeders that thinks a billboard on a major highway is a good idea? Can you imagine how many families going on vacation are lured in by the idea of a pocket sized version of that one dog from those movies? Because I can, and it keeps me up at night.

Miniature? That’s pointless. I’ll need at least two hundred and one for a decent coat

 

The real question we have for you, gentle readers, is why humans are obsessed with the size extremes. You could get either a beautiful and responsibly bred thirteen inch beagle or you could go get a Queen Elizabeth Pocket beagle which will most certainly have shitty knees, probably has Dachshund in the lineage somewhere, and will likely get larger than 13 inches anyway. That’s the thing about the tiny breeds ( and some of the larger ones)… they have something mixed in there to make them tiny. Papillon, Pomeranian, Chihuahua, Demon Bat…. something.   Whatever it is, we beg you to step away slowly.